Saturday, October 19, 2013

Wanna Know a Secret?

Wanna know a secret? Life rocks. Like really rocks. I love my life. I loved summer. I love fall. I love traveling. I love crafts and running and being outside and the mountains and my dog and my friends and my family.
Frolicking. I love crunching leaves.
I've been busy living the past couple months which is why its been over two months since I last posted! I mean with Instagram and Facebook these days most people have a day to day update of my life. But those social media platforms are not the place for sharing feelings and in depth details so, for my future posterity's sake, I am going to update this public journal of mine (because yes I do believe my children will read my blog someday and see how awesome and amazing and fun I am....hahahaha. Insert funny meme here).
Rainbows are one of my favorite things in this world. Last summer I was having a REALLY hard day. I prayed for help and strength and courage and peace and when I looked up there was one of the brightest rainbows I've ever seen. And the most peaceful, warm feeling enveloped me like a hug and since then rainbows have been very special in my life. This particular rainbow is from hiking King's Peak in September/
Summer was amazing. I worked a lot but I also played a lot. I got really into rock climbing. I LOVE to boulder. I even am getting kind of good at it! I mean for a beginner anyway. I got to hike King's Peak, the highest peak in Utah which was super awesome!!! It was so much fun and I realized that I love backpacking. A lot. I also realized that all the outdoor things I love to do are extremely expensive because you have to get all sorts of gear and such! How lame. I am still working at Zion's as a teller which even though it sounds like a lame dumb job is really fun. I get to meet and talk to all sorts of crazy and interesting people. I love it. I love the sweet elderly people that come in and want to stay and talk to me forever because they are probably lonely and going to the bank is their social interaction for the day.


I recently got back from a five day trip to New York. First of all, I am a mountain girl. I would die without them. But there is something about New York City that I absolutely love. I could definitely live there and be a real city girl. For like a year probably. It's my favorite favorite big city. But I actually spent most of the time in upstate New York in the teeny tiny town of Chestertown. It was SO incredibly beautiful I can't even describe. Every single time my eyes were open my breath was taken away at the beauty of my surroundings. Like dang, Heavenly Father is the most incredible artist there has ever been. Obviously. But still. It amazes me. I was a bridesmaid in a long-time (since middle school) friend's wedding. It was so fun! I got to wear a super cute dress and walk down the aisle and see her and meet a ton of new friends and cool people. 
Forgive me, its a selfie while I was running.

Is it ridiculous that I feel extremely overwhelmed and sad that there are so many amazing and cool people in this world that I will never get to meet? I met lots of awesome people and friends at the wedding that I would have never met without it and I realized that there are so many incredible people that I'd love to meet and might not ever get to! That's why I might have to become a hippie bum traveler. A new age nomad. "Hold me fast cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer" [lyrics from one of my favorite bands, Mumford & Sons]

I felt like a real grown-up traveling all by myself. Especially on the last day when I got to wander NYC alone. I went to my favorite gluten-free bakery, my favorite dessert place, ate lunch in central park, and of course wandered aimlessly around times square area....checking out cheap clothes. And of course I spent a while in a bookstore. Sorry for my Facebook friends that have already seen all these pictures....but I had to put them on the blog too!


Cancer......its a funny thing. People ask me all the time, "so....like....is it gone now? Like, are you good?" Well, I mean, yes, there is no evidence of cancer in my body but is cancer really ever gone? I don't feel that I can just walk around saying, "I don't have cancer" because I think I'll always "have" it. Cancer isn't something that just goes away. Maybe the dumb little cells that multiply and destroy the insides of your body will stop growing, but the side effects and the doctors visits and the small voice of worry that you pretend isn't there never go away. Especially since I'm still finishing up my maintenance/preventative drug Avastin, I don't feel like I'm done with the whole cancer thing. I still go to the hospital every three weeks. I still sit there for at least an hour, hooked up to an IV tower. I still see my doctors. I still have cancer friends. My mom is trying to get me into a clinical trial that is working on developing a vaccine-like treatment. I would travel to either Dallas, TX or Buffalo, NY once a month to get the drug. So is my cancer gone? No. It's not. It never will be. It will always be a part of me. There's a lot of long-term side effects to chemo that nobody thinks about. Being done with chemotherapy doesn't mean everything is happy daisies and rainbows and you are a normal healthy person all the sudden. Fortunately for me, I am very healthy and happy and have very minimal lasting side effects. Some of my friends aren't so lucky. It's just something we cancer people deal with that others don't understand. I think that's my point of this rambling--to maybe help others understand that cancer isn't like a broken bone. It's not something that heals and then goes away and is something you remember when trying to think of a good story to tell. Maybe in twenty years I'll feel differently, who knows?

Banana man....this is my friend Dov that I've mentioned a few times here on the blog. He is the ultimate example of bravery, courage and humor when it comes to dealing with life, and cancer in particular. Talk about never ending, he's been in treatment for six years. This is his way of dealing with it. Not only does it help lighten things up for him, it really inspires and helps other people. He gets nervous on scan days so naturally dressing up as a sexy banana makes it easier to handle :)


I only have three treatments left though! My last treatment is scheduled for December 10th :) And sometime after that I will get my port taken out! I think I might miss my little Gouda buddy. I've gotten so used to having it now that its going to be sad to take it out. I mean like just a little sad. 

So the next thing on my bucket list that I'd like to do is fly to the cheapest destination that is offered for the weekend. Just randomly pick up and go. My next weekend off I'm going to do it. Not sure how you search for "cheapest airline ticket right this second" but I'm going to figure it out. Even if I end up somewhere random like the middle of Kansas. Won't that be fun! 

I found this song on Pandora a while ago and fell in love! One day I wanted to listen to it, so naturally I searched for it on Youtube. Turns out its the cutest Youtube video in world history and now I'm even more in love! I had to share. If at least only for my Camp friends to enjoy :)

Also, this quote from general conference gave me real hope in the boys of this world. Love like this must exist somewhere. Can you imagine a love like this?
I about cried.

I realized as I've been working and meeting lots of people that there are quite a few angry people in this world. I think I have a lot of legitimate reasons to be a pretty angry person. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I was truly angry. Annoyed yes. Bugged yes. Indignant once. But like blow up-yelling-wanting-to-punch-something angry? Nah. Not my style. I have a forgiving disposition. And man is my life so much the better for it. It's a lifestyle I think more people should adopt. To the lady that got F-word-in-my-face angry at me at the bank for miscounting her money....I'm really really sorry. It was an accident. I'm not a money counting robot. If only you knew what has gone on behind my fohawk and name tag. And if only I knew what you were going through. Then maybe we'd have more compassion and kindness to each other.


I think that if I could have one sentence said about me on my headstone it'd be that because of me, someone didn't give up. I hope that I can be a tool in God's hands to inspire others. Even just a tiny bit. Even just one person. Then everything I've been though, the cancer, and the getting un=married thing, then it would be worth it. Actually, I think it already has been worth it. I understand life and God's plan and feel His love more than I ever could have without my experiences.
How true that has been.


I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.
Loon Lake, New York
Salt Lake City, UT


Lastly, (for now), I learned how to use a chainsaw and an axe recently! I'm not very good with an axe so I'm crossing axe murderer off my list of possible career choices, but I was quite decent with a chainsaw so chainsaw massacre-ist is still in the running. If only I had a picture of these monumentous events of my life.

Till next time, au revoir. Peace love and happiness. 

I dare you to do something brave today.

4 comments:

  1. Hey Kalina. Its been an eternity, but do you remember me? Some how I came across your blog a long while back and have been reading it ever since. Today's post seemed like an appropriate time to tell you how much I look up to you and that you inspire me so much! Your happiness and faith is contagious. Thank you. P.s. I love your hair! - Jocelyn (Schmidt) Matheson

    ReplyDelete
  2. Loved your pictures, loved hearing about your trip to NY, loved hearing about your cancer, love your optimism and cute personality. You made my day! Thank you and lots of love, Margaret xoxo

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