Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Can It Be the "End"?

Today is supposedly my LAST AVASTIN TREATMENT!!!!! I say supposedly because after a year of doing it, for some reason it doesn't feel like it's really going to be the end. I don't think it will really feel over until after my PET scan in January. But this is such a great Christmas present!!! Even though Avastin doesn't have the extreme side effects as a full chemo drug, after a year+ of it, the small side effects start to wear on you. I will miss coming to the infusion center because I like meeting and talking to other cancer patients. I love bringing treats to share and I love making people smile during one of the most miserable times in their lives. I hope I make the time to come back to visit as a volunteer.
I got another certificate of completion and a penguin blanket. It's official and real!!
Pictures of: My first day of chemo, my most pathetic looking self, my last day of chemo, and my last day of treatment!


I am actually really going to miss my port! I won't get it out until after my scan, but little Gouda has come to be a part of me. I don't even remember I have him most of the time. But its a great conversation killer :) If I ever want to make someone feel awkward, all I have to do it make them ask "what is that?" "Oh, its just my port. I had cancer" .....silence.....awkward stammering.....mention of how they know someone who went through cancer......silence.....change of subject. Hahaha. Am I evil that I think this recurring conversation is great? Probably.

I was thinking about life the other day. I have a passion for it. A passion for life I mean. I love living. I LOVE adventures. I love the unknown. I love change. Have I always been this way? Did I have the same passion for life before cancer and divorce? As I pondered these questions, I concluded that, yes, I have always had a passion for life. However, I have not always been as expressive or true to myself as I am now. Going through the fire and brimstone the past two years have brought me has strengthened my sense of self and lowered how much I care what other people think of me. I am not afraid to be myself anymore because I don't care if people think I'm weird or not cool. Because I am weird sometimes! Weird and crazy and funny and reserved and adventurous and silly.
Case in point. I found a wand. An icicle to some. A wand to me. 
Go, live your dream! Beeeeeee yourself! Let it go, don't hold back anymore.

Just a few tidbits of Disney advice :) (Tangled, Aladdin, Frozen) If you haven't seen Frozen yet, SEE IT NOW. It was soooooo good. I liked it almost as much, maybe even equal to Tangled. And you all know how much I love Tangled. The music was amazing. The princesses were beautiful and spunky. And the "prince charming" was actually a man you'd want your daughter to marry. I loved the message of the song "Let it Go". All her life Elsa has been holding herself back, forcing herself not to feel--hiding her emotions. I feel like I've done a lot of that in my life. I think most people have. But holding back and suppressing herself like she has done her whole life only leads to trouble. It's only when she finally lets go that things work out and she is finally happy. So let go! Be yourself. 

Another way to say it is YOLO! This is the motto of the new generation--You Only Live Once. While it is silly and trendy, it's true. You do only live once. So enjoy it! I have a severe case of wanderlust: strong longing or impulse toward wandering and/or travel. I finally am at a point in my life that I can do the things I want. I loved being an athlete at UVU, but it was quite a commitment. Now I am committed to nothing and to nobody. It's great. I love being in charge of myself. I am still planning on traveling to Thailand for at least a month or two or maybe three or four. Or if my friend commits to it, we will backpack southeast Asia together for 5 weeks. Either way, it is going to be quite the adventure!
      

To end, here is a good article that kind of describes what it's like to be a "cancer person". Maybe it will give people a little insight into what it's like.
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html

You never know what you are capable of until you try

8 comments:

  1. Just want you to know I still follow your blog and love it! Every post is a gift. Thank you for being awesome. Eliza S.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your are awesome Kalina! This is great, made me smile! Together we are cancer warriors! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. Just have to tell you how much I love you and this blog! I wish I could express how much strength it has brought me over the past few months just to read this.
    Also I totally agree with the Frozen statement!! I love that movie so much, it made me cry watching it the first time, and the second. :)
    I loved seeing you at the Thanksgiving 5K and thank you for being such a great example to me!

    ReplyDelete
  4. You are such an inspiration. I have followed your blog throughout your journey and am always amazed at your strength and courage and ability to smile and shine through adversity. I long to be more like you, to live a life for me, not for everyone else ... to be able to find my happiness. I pray for you and hope that you are able to live a beautiful life filled with endless blessings. God bless you, Karina. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself with the world.

    ReplyDelete
  5. My apologies, Kalina. I spelled your name wrong and it won't let me change it. God bless you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You are so cute - reading this brightens my snowy day! xoxoxoo

    ReplyDelete
  7. While perusing airfares, look for the one in green. That's the flight Google has identified as the single best deal. It's a small thing, but also a handy time-saver. Note, however, that this flight won't always be contained in the "best flights" box, which represents the best combination of price and flight time. https://www.google-flights.online/

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am very pleased with this site. This is very useful to me. I like it It's a very exciting job. Thank you very much! .

    Click Here : Crawler dozers for sale Cat D8L 53Y01551

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for your comments! I love them all, it makes me feel so loved :) Feel free to comment as much as you want :D

Sorry about the capatcha thing, I was getting so many nasty spam comments so I had to put it on. I hate them too!