tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-62583877693801786392024-03-13T02:49:32.852-06:00Fallen in ChocolateEach day is a gift to do with what you likeKalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.comBlogger98125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-23343143784633924602020-07-02T12:40:00.000-06:002020-07-02T12:40:25.382-06:00Grief over the loss of MotherhoodI wrote this two years ago and thought I'd never share this publicly. And I've shared a lot of personal emotions publicly. But this...this is just too raw. It makes sense when people mourn the loss of a child, but what about mourning the loss of the children I never get to have? I'd rather have a child and lose it! But would I really? Probably not. It just seems like the better option in my position.<br />
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It really really really really sucks knowing that I will never be a mother. That Mother's Day will come and go every year, and every year I will still just be....a dog mom? That I will raise and love children that will never be mine, that will never call me mom. It hurts that I won't get to be there for my daughter's first date, or her first high school dance. That I won't get to sit by her side in the temple when she gets married.<br />
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I want to be a mom more than anything in the world. I want to be there for my child's first steps, their first words. I want to teach them to read and to be like me. I want to dress them and decide when they get their ears pierced. I want to decide what extracurricular activities to make them try. I want to take them to school and pick them up from school. I want to be annoyed that I have to be a mom 24/7 and that I can never go to the bathroom alone. I want to wish I had a night off for a date night. I want to hold a baby that I know I get to keep and love and raise. I want to be called MOM.<br />
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Why don't I ever get to be a mom? Why was I put here on this earth and told that motherhood is next to Godliness and then have that taken away from me? I don't understand and I know that I will never get those questions answered in this lifetime. I have never had the "Why me?" question run through my head. Not when I was diagnosed with cancer, not when I went through a divorce at 22. But now, for whatever reason, I have thought the fearful and faithless question of "why me?". I know I shouldn't. I know that it means that my fear is greater than my faith. But why. Why do meth addicts get to have children. Why do mentally ill people that try to commit suicide while pregnant get to have beautiful healthy babies and keep them to raise? Why do people that don't want kids get to have them? And why not me? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Could I have done something different years ago so that I could be a mother? I didn't know. I didn't know that I'd even want to be one this badly. I didn't know that I would get to taste the joy of Motherhood, but not actually get it. I didn't know how much it would hurt.<br />
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Being a stepmom isn't anything like being a mom. "Mom" may be in the title, but a stepmom is hardly anything like a real mom. I don't actually get much say in how they are raised when they aren't with me, in what they are involved in, in what schools they go to. Will it be different in the future as I've been in their lives longer?? Maybe. But what if its not? What kind of expectations should I have? Will they love me? Will they see all the sacrifices I made for them and the time I spent being LIKE a mom, but not being mom? Will they understand how much it hurt every time I got told when and where I had to drop them off back to their MOM? When I was told I don't count as a parent? Will I ever get over these feelings??<br />
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It hurts to hear my parents say they kind of get to be grandparents, but not really. It hurts to see that they feel like my dog is more their grandchild than my husband's children. It hurts because I feel the same way.<br />
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I'm terrified to be in a family ward at church. Where everyone is a mother and a family and can talk about their kids and raising kids and their frustrations. Because I don't fit in there. I can't relate. I'm not a young married couple going to have kids someday. But I'm not a mom. I'm a ..... semi part-time step parent. It's a role I've never learned about. It's a role that I don't know where it fits in. Where is my place in this parent filled world??<div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF84HWXwoWA9zEhxvKM98FA9-7dcXdbDscO2bCnjJbuvwB2KF_Ipm9nwMciDzC4UtRyjhuO-8IRvriipnzscYrch9nhGg61Yz7kGm_dF6hFvu-sbntRiCRBNx989tKXTLAUYu7o5ZnRX4/s2640/20200630_160154.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1980" data-original-width="2640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgF84HWXwoWA9zEhxvKM98FA9-7dcXdbDscO2bCnjJbuvwB2KF_Ipm9nwMciDzC4UtRyjhuO-8IRvriipnzscYrch9nhGg61Yz7kGm_dF6hFvu-sbntRiCRBNx989tKXTLAUYu7o5ZnRX4/s320/20200630_160154.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnCfjibOParPZlHAagFhu22W8B3Rh3C4m_8otsJYA-aU-PR2kUnF1lG9Uxamb7iZMxYCDVjEtb3NmmH8NqplvKajhvClIsXYWObetUS2uP128wndCMK3BuCUUd7Jdw_SuZySPYP0ruvDM/s2640/20200603_144708.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2640" data-original-width="1980" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnCfjibOParPZlHAagFhu22W8B3Rh3C4m_8otsJYA-aU-PR2kUnF1lG9Uxamb7iZMxYCDVjEtb3NmmH8NqplvKajhvClIsXYWObetUS2uP128wndCMK3BuCUUd7Jdw_SuZySPYP0ruvDM/s320/20200603_144708.jpg" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifajSYjN2L9RwaCjPLNk8H5jKvIsLlSBalVRA44yk4oJcugR2VJipj0jGbsjL713gTOimrCDfZhDclVi4Q0yOZj0YcDwA4DCgEYS1A5yRrutHJHwJtpI2FvI1GAsSBSKS4RNet9M9cFqM/s4032/20200418_125216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3024" data-original-width="4032" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifajSYjN2L9RwaCjPLNk8H5jKvIsLlSBalVRA44yk4oJcugR2VJipj0jGbsjL713gTOimrCDfZhDclVi4Q0yOZj0YcDwA4DCgEYS1A5yRrutHJHwJtpI2FvI1GAsSBSKS4RNet9M9cFqM/s320/20200418_125216.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSuKDYhRpP8fvHDElJ7JXmMY1fMbS47El7uWI0Gkuk7JDPxk0_mnJ5B6wej8O7s2VU1uzoeU4ArXym6QeOHQEmxJO0fINpK96KSFsD3rm6JcbxMd1mNYI-s6tm_gXNSC4u-Uu0DPZWT4E/s2640/20200618_101637.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2640" data-original-width="1980" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSuKDYhRpP8fvHDElJ7JXmMY1fMbS47El7uWI0Gkuk7JDPxk0_mnJ5B6wej8O7s2VU1uzoeU4ArXym6QeOHQEmxJO0fINpK96KSFsD3rm6JcbxMd1mNYI-s6tm_gXNSC4u-Uu0DPZWT4E/s320/20200618_101637.jpg" /></a></div>Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-63355151124083708872016-08-11T20:47:00.000-06:002016-08-11T21:55:18.894-06:00Survivor GuiltCOURAGE: TO TELL THE STORY OF WHO YOU ARE WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART<br />
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Wow, I haven't written in what....almost 2 years?! Whoops! Life got crazy and then I guess I kind of tried to move on from this chapter of my life. I think I've subconsciously tried to break away from cancer, compartmentalize it maybe. But I've been learning that I'll never really "move on" from the cancer chapter. I'm kind of stuck with it forever. Between my bi-annual check-ups and all the friends I have that are constantly in and out of treatment, cancer is in my life to stay.<br />
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Luckily, MY bill of health is clean as a whistle. However, I have SO many friends now that are not as lucky as me. This has been a huge struggle for me this whole year. It's something that the cancer community calls "survivor guilt". It seems so unfair that I am healthy, strong, happy, running hundreds of miles and climbing all the mountains while my friends continue on through treatment, get told they have only months to live, struggle through two years of weekly treatment.... My friend's adorable 7 year old daughter was just diagnosed with cancer on Monday...these things all SUCK so much. SO MUCH SUCK. It just isn't fair you know?<br />
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I've been reading Brene Brown's <u>Rising Strong</u>. She is an incredible researcher in the field of vulnerability, shame, and being your most authentic self. One of the lines from her book particularly stood out to me the other day, "We run from grief because loss scares us, yet our hearts reach toward grief because the broken parts want to mend." We can't run from grief. Eventually it catches up and manifests itself in depression, anxiety, PTSD, stress, feelings of unworthiness, etc. This is the "rumbling" I've been working through for months. After visiting my sweet 7 year old friend in the hospital today, I sat down in my car and just wept. I cursed cancer and cried and cried. I've been learning to accept grief- and to allow myself to feel it. Because I have so many cancer friends, I lose a lot of friends every year. Those losses build up until I break down and finally let the sadness happen.<br />
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"You can't selectively numb emotion--when you numb pain, you numb happiness and joy." And so we learn eventually to accept pain. To use it, to relish in it, to come out stronger on the other side. "Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others." As I've been rumbling through my dark places this year, accepting emotional pain and sadness, I feel that I've become a much more compassionate person. And no, nothing that we experience in life is really fair. It's not <i>fair</i> that I'm healthy and so many other sweet people aren't.<br />
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I saw a video on the interweb today that told a really wonderful parable.<br />
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On the first day of class a professor held up a twenty dollar bill. He asked who in the class wanted it. All 200 students raised their hand of course. He then folded the bill in half twice. "Who wants this still?" he asked. Again, all 200 students raised their hands. He took the bill and crumpled it up. "Who wants it?" 200 hands in the air. He threw the bill on the ground, stomped on it, rubbed dirt on it, and picked it up. "Who still wants this?" Of course all 200 students still raised their hands. Because no matter what happened to that twenty dollar bill, it was still worth $20. We are the same. No matter what we are dragged through, no matter what happens to us, we will always hold our value. <span style="font-size: x-small;">(Motivational speaker Jay Shetty)</span></blockquote>
I loved the way that concept was demonstrated. The whole survivor's guilt and stuff I've been feeling throughout this year has worn down on my feelings of worthiness. We all get down in the dumps about ourselves for one reason or another, and this story is a beautiful reminder to me.<br />
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Why am I sharing all this?? I'm not 100% sure. I think that writing things down is the best way for me to understand and recognize what I'm feeling. It is a coping process. I am in love with vulnerability. I feel much more real and alive when I am open. I think it's a good reminder to me that everyone has deep internal struggles that they are dealing with every single day. We have to be willing to feel our own darkness so we can be compassionate and kind to others. How would we treat others if we assumed that everyone we interact with is <i>doing the best they can</i>?<br />
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One more quote from Brene Brown to end with today :)<br />
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When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don't go away; instead, they own us, they define us. <i>Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending</i>--to rise strong, recognize our story and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends. </blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Love with your whole heart, even though there is no guarantee.</td></tr>
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I guess I will always be Kalina the cancer survivor, but I can still be Kalina the ultra-runner, Kalina the crazy girl that wears dresses on mountains, Kalina the chocolate eater, Kalina. Me.<br />
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PS I HAVE AN EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT!!!! I graduated from the Diagnostic Medical Sonography program on August 4th and was just offered and accepted a full-time position with the University of Utah Hospital!!!!! EEK!<br />
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<br />Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-81262346004409814072014-01-07T19:12:00.001-07:002014-01-07T22:22:01.877-07:00I Am LovelyI've debated sharing this for a really long time....but I think it's time.<br />
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I love the lyrics in this song-- I feel lovely just the way that I am<br />
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In a way, this post is a love letter to myself. A lot of people might think I have the best self-esteem in the world. I mean, I have everything going for me so of course I think I'm great, right? Not always so. I've battled body image issues since high school. At times it has been worse than others. Particularly my last two years of college. I was married and a highly competitive college athlete (which alone spells disaster for body image problems). I got really sick for a while and dropped a ton of weight. Then it went to my head. I loved it. And then since I was working out so much and so hard, the weight stayed off even when I got better and started eating gluten free. Also, I think subconsciously I knew I wasn't as happily married as I thought I was. Obviously I didn't see it at the time. But as time wore on, the view I had of myself became more and more warped. I was freaking out when I started to gain weight my senior year of college (Spring 2012). Then I was diagnosed with cancer. They removed 3 huge tumors and I was in the hospital for 9 days not eating anything because I was so sick. I dropped all that weight again. It was great. Then I found out about my husband's infidelity. Now I am NOT blaming him for my eating disorder or my body image problems. To his credit he tried to do all he could to make me like my body. However, hating myself and my body became the way I dealt with the problems and stress in my life. I was happy in every other way. I was dealing with cancer and treatment and making the most of life. I was working through marital problems best I could. But my body became the thing I took out my stress and anger on. It got to the point that I couldn't think about anything else except how fat my legs were and how skinny every other girl's legs looked. I let it consume me. I tried everything I could to be anorexic (now I say try because 1. I love food 2. I love to run 3. You can't run well on no food and 4. I have very little willpower). I tried everything I could to be bulimic. [Un]Fortunately, I guess I have been blessed with a gag reflex of steel because not a thing in the world could make me throw up (except being in the hospital for 9 days).<br />
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I hated myself. Literally. It was terrible. Finally, I broke away from the unhappy situation I was in. I moved home. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I didn't have to deal with anything. I had a broken heart and time on my hands. My family embraced me. I did things with them. I did things with my girlfriends. And most importantly I went to <a href="http://www.falleninchocolate.com/2013/06/out-of-darkest-nights-come-brightest.html" target="_blank">cancer camp</a>. I had friends who loved me more than I've ever had a friend love me. They loved me because of my smile, my happy attitude, my love for life and adventure. And suddenly my body wasn't me. I was me. My character was me. It didn't matter what I looked like or where I came from.<br />
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It's still taken time, I still would love to have skinnier legs (and no, no matter what you tell me, your words cannot change my perception of myself). See that's the problem with having a body image disorder, it doesn't matter what people think or say to you. Every person in the world could have told me I was the prettiest, skinniest girl they knew and it wouldn't have changed my view of myself. It's hard because when I felt that way, I wanted everyone to look at me and think "wow, she's so skinny" and yet I wouldn't believe it if someone told me. Or if I did hear it, I would force myself to fulfill that expectation and it would just perpetuate a vicious cycle. I had someone tell me "wow, you've really gained a lot of weight haven't you?" It just about killed me. I knew they meant that I didn't look sick from chemo anymore. But my brain heard those words as "you are a huge fat whale. FAT FAT FAT".<br />
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In our world today, hearing about one's body is inevitable. It's nice to hear someone say you have a nice body or nice legs or you are pretty or whatever. Everyone likes those compliments. No one likes "you've put on some weight, you're looking good" no matter how kind the intent is behind it. Well I bet some people do like that actually. I don't. At all.<br />
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I don't know exactly what has happened that has helped me love myself. I think a lot of has to do with getting out of a destructive and loveless relationship.(Like I said before, it wasn't his fault. My <i>own</i> problems were just exacerbated by the problems in my life). A lot of it is that I'm not competing as a college athlete in a situation where my body is everything; where you constantly compare yourself to every girl that is faster and come to the conclusion that if you were just a few pounds skinner you'd be able to shave an extra 10 seconds off your mile. A lot of it is that I have learned to be independent again. I'm not relying on someone else to make me happy. You can never rely on someone else to provide for your happiness. Especially in a marriage relationship. You HAVE to be happy all by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. A spouse should add to your happiness. Not create it.<br />
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For whatever reason, for the first time in my life, what other people think of me doesn't affect how happy I am. This is why we have trials. This is why you hear cliche phrases like "trials are blessings in disguise", "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God gives us trials in order for us to become more like Him". Everyone has to learn to stand on their own feet no matter how many times the storm knocks you down. That's why every person's storm is different. We each have to go through the storm that will teach us the lessons we personally need to learn and that we couldn't learn any other way.<br />
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What inspired me to finally admit and talk about my struggle? I looked in my swimsuit drawer today and saw my old bikinis (yep, sorry I am very immodest. Judge away). When I had surgery I thought I would never wear them again. When I had my second surgery I KNEW I would never wear them again. My stomach was hideous. It was lumpy and misshapen with a weirdo belly button and a huge nasty scar. But today I looked at those skimpy pieces of clothing in my drawer and I pulled them out. I tried them on. I looked in the mirror. And I didn't hate what I saw. I didn't see a nasty hideous stomach. I still saw just me. Just little old me who is the same no matter what I'm wearing. (Of course time has smoothed out my weird lumps and bumps and my belly button has gotten a little more normal so that helps :) haha). Just to try and give you an idea of the extent of how much I hated my scar and my stomach, I have to admit that I chewed out my surgeon for making me so ugly. Like literally. I told him, "you did a terrible job on my scar. Why couldn't you have made me less bumpy with a prettier belly button. I need plastic surgery to fix it". He replied "well that wasn't very nice" and immediately I felt like the meanest most horrible person in the world. Because I had been planning that retort for months. And I thought for sure I'd be getting plastic surgery. Can you believe how vain I am?<br />
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I never ever thought in a million years I would let people look at my stomach. Remember this first picture from my first surgery? It was a battle scar I was proud of. Now, more than a year later I am ready to show off my second battle scar. Because this scar is proof that I survived something crazy. This picture is proof to myself that I am okay.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#1</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYhIfewGnxYLKlxelm6ebXR8OsonZnLemScfL-lU_ME2_I95kEFFabniAxJQaKIgnM9Ijf-0WNbBds-twrf-wh-32zyPU-S9aNSVxWA4yvx48cEvR1c9tNUnq91t3vIHVxAxOU8sjhvtA/s1600/Jan+7,+2014+6:30:17+PM.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYhIfewGnxYLKlxelm6ebXR8OsonZnLemScfL-lU_ME2_I95kEFFabniAxJQaKIgnM9Ijf-0WNbBds-twrf-wh-32zyPU-S9aNSVxWA4yvx48cEvR1c9tNUnq91t3vIHVxAxOU8sjhvtA/s1600/Jan+7,+2014+6:30:17+PM.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#2</td></tr>
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So, Self: You are awesome. Your life is great. Your Father in Heaven LOVES you. He's given you so many trials because He knows that you can be great and He wants to help you get there.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/85/54/91/855491c698d42d75dc0e0cb1399f4811.jpg" height="367" style="-webkit-user-select: none; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I know this is the exact same quote as the cat/lion one, but this picture is so dang adorable!</td></tr>
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A few people I've gained inspiration from:<br />
This article: <a href="http://www.beautyredefined.net/to-the-mom-who-taught-me-everything-a-body-image-breakthrough/">http://www.beautyredefined.net/to-the-mom-who-taught-me-everything-a-body-image-breakthrough/</a><br />
Lindsey Stirling: <a href="http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865578461/Hip-hop-violinist-Lindsey-Stirling-overcomes-anorexia-critics-to-find-happiness-success.html?s_cid=Email-4" target="_blank">this interview</a> in particular. Also watch her "I'm a Mormon" video on the sidebar of the article<br />
Andrea Bolles: she gave a short talk in relief society one night about overcoming an eating disorder and now she's started this cool blog, <a href="http://livewhatyoucreate.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-journey.html" target="_blank">Creating a Life I Love</a><br />
And a few others I won't mention because I think I might embarrass people.<br />
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Oh holy crap, I just realized.....Today, January 7 is exactly ONE YEAR since my LAST CHEMOTHERAPY treatment!!!! Oh my gosh that is the craziest thing ever!!! HAPPY CHEMOVERSARY TO ME!!!!!!!<br />
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<i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Note: I've been very hesitant about sharing this very personal struggle of mine, in part because I don't want people to comment things like "Oh Kalina you are so beautiful and skinny, I wish I could be you" or whatever silly something someone might say. I don't want my family to make comments to me about my body. Any of my family. But I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with body image. I think every girl to some degree deals with it every day. I think admitting this so publicly is a huge step in overcoming it. At times when I am really struggling I want to be able to look back and be able to read this and remind myself that it is possible to not be consumed by the desire to be thin.</span></i>Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-12000251657409411862013-12-17T11:29:00.001-07:002013-12-17T11:44:17.928-07:00Can It Be the "End"?Today is supposedly my LAST AVASTIN TREATMENT!!!!! I say supposedly because after a year of doing it, for some reason it doesn't feel like it's really going to be the end. I don't think it will really feel over until after my PET scan in January. But this is such a great Christmas present!!! Even though Avastin doesn't have the extreme side effects as a full chemo drug, after a year+ of it, the small side effects start to wear on you. I will miss coming to the infusion center because I like meeting and talking to other cancer patients. I love bringing treats to share and I love making people smile during one of the most miserable times in their lives. I hope I make the time to come back to visit as a volunteer.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Az2UZZX3qivPbgUAMNM1A6TN4QWFFp2MMnypg5r6J7u4NLTEwQA0uol-OjwNw5nGmyjcU7idsrzJFGmNYKrgIyTyD_yN6jkRxbNE0Lhb-yN8eHAr8PttsMtUC0NNamwoTe9rZRRDXG8/s1600/20131217_111822+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7Az2UZZX3qivPbgUAMNM1A6TN4QWFFp2MMnypg5r6J7u4NLTEwQA0uol-OjwNw5nGmyjcU7idsrzJFGmNYKrgIyTyD_yN6jkRxbNE0Lhb-yN8eHAr8PttsMtUC0NNamwoTe9rZRRDXG8/s400/20131217_111822+(1).jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I got another certificate of completion and a penguin blanket. It's official and real!!</td></tr>
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Pictures of: My first day of chemo, my most pathetic looking self, my last day of chemo, and my last day of treatment!<br />
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I am actually really going to miss my port! I won't get it out until after my scan, but little Gouda has come to be a part of me. I don't even remember I have him most of the time. But its a great conversation killer :) If I ever want to make someone feel awkward, all I have to do it make them ask "what is that?" "Oh, its just my port. I had cancer" .....silence.....awkward stammering.....mention of how they know someone who went through cancer......silence.....change of subject. Hahaha. Am I evil that I think this recurring conversation is great? Probably.<br />
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I was thinking about life the other day. I have a passion for it. A passion for life I mean. I love living. I LOVE adventures. I love the unknown. I love change. Have I always been this way? Did I have the same passion for life before cancer and divorce? As I pondered these questions, I concluded that, yes, I have always had a passion for life. However, I have not always been as expressive or true to myself as I am now. Going through the fire and brimstone the past two years have brought me has strengthened my sense of self and lowered how much I care what other people think of me. I am not afraid to be myself anymore because I don't care if people think I'm weird or not cool. Because I am weird sometimes! Weird and crazy and funny and reserved and adventurous and silly.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG8q3HEU07TGY2lDLse6ekCaup4eppbgsfwNyiU6IA3IgL0xg7sDosGNlp9xRAMwvPT3iBNBVF1688AQPl-rdy1kGMNdzmvnN4LySpgoHB8gqnmn9uyPmywW8e4EoypWuh7lZTOVUuaUY/s1600/20131207_145902-MIX.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="270" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhG8q3HEU07TGY2lDLse6ekCaup4eppbgsfwNyiU6IA3IgL0xg7sDosGNlp9xRAMwvPT3iBNBVF1688AQPl-rdy1kGMNdzmvnN4LySpgoHB8gqnmn9uyPmywW8e4EoypWuh7lZTOVUuaUY/s400/20131207_145902-MIX.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Case in point. I found a wand. An icicle to some. A wand to me. </td></tr>
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<i>Go, live your dream! Beeeeeee yourself! Let it go, don't hold back anymore.</i><br />
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Just a few tidbits of Disney advice :) (Tangled, Aladdin, Frozen) If you haven't seen Frozen yet, SEE IT NOW. It was soooooo good. I liked it almost as much, maybe even equal to Tangled. And you all know how much I love Tangled. The music was amazing. The princesses were beautiful and spunky. And the "prince charming" was actually a man you'd want your daughter to marry. I loved the message of the song "Let it Go". All her life Elsa has been holding herself back, forcing herself not to feel--hiding her emotions. I feel like I've done a lot of that in my life. I think most people have. But holding back and suppressing herself like she has done her whole life only leads to trouble. It's only when she finally lets go that things work out and she is finally happy. So let go! Be yourself. </div>
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Another way to say it is YOLO! This is the motto of the new generation--You Only Live Once. While it is silly and trendy, it's true. You do only live once. So enjoy it! I have a severe case of wanderlust: strong longing or impulse toward wandering and/or travel. I finally am at a point in my life that I can do the things I want. I loved being an athlete at UVU, but it was quite a commitment. Now I am committed to nothing and to nobody. It's great. I love being in charge of myself. I am still planning on traveling to Thailand for at least a month or two or maybe three or four. Or if my friend commits to it, we will backpack southeast Asia together for 5 weeks. Either way, it is going to be quite the adventure!</div>
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To end, <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html" target="_blank">here</a> is a good article that kind of describes what it's like to be a "cancer person". Maybe it will give people a little insight into what it's like.<br />
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html</a><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You never know what you are capable of until you try</td></tr>
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Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-46730294381960972182013-10-19T00:31:00.000-06:002013-10-19T00:31:51.291-06:00Wanna Know a Secret?Wanna know a secret? Life rocks. Like really rocks. I love my life. I loved summer. I love fall. I love traveling. I love crafts and running and being outside and the mountains and my dog and my friends and my family.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Frolicking. I love crunching leaves.</td></tr>
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I've been busy living the past couple months which is why its been over two months since I last posted! I mean with Instagram and Facebook these days most people have a day to day update of my life. But those social media platforms are not the place for sharing feelings and in depth details so, for my future posterity's sake, I am going to update this public journal of mine (because yes I do believe my children will read my blog someday and see how awesome and amazing and fun I am....hahahaha. Insert funny meme here).</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rainbows are one of my favorite things in this world. Last summer I was having a REALLY hard day. I prayed for help and strength and courage and peace and when I looked up there was one of the brightest rainbows I've ever seen. And the most peaceful, warm feeling enveloped me like a hug and since then rainbows have been very special in my life. This particular rainbow is from hiking King's Peak in September/</td></tr>
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Summer was amazing. I worked a lot but I also played a lot. I got really into rock climbing. I LOVE to boulder. I even am getting kind of good at it! I mean for a beginner anyway. I got to hike King's Peak, the highest peak in Utah which was super awesome!!! It was so much fun and I realized that I love backpacking. A lot. I also realized that all the outdoor things I love to do are extremely expensive because you have to get all sorts of gear and such! How lame. I am still working at Zion's as a teller which even though it sounds like a lame dumb job is really fun. I get to meet and talk to all sorts of crazy and interesting people. I love it. I love the sweet elderly people that come in and want to stay and talk to me forever because they are probably lonely and going to the bank is their social interaction for the day.<br />
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I recently got back from a five day trip to New York. First of all, I am a mountain girl. I would die without them. But there is something about New York City that I absolutely love. I could definitely live there and be a real city girl. For like a year probably. It's my favorite favorite big city. But I actually spent most of the time in upstate New York in the teeny tiny town of Chestertown. It was SO incredibly beautiful I can't even describe. Every single time my eyes were open my breath was taken away at the beauty of my surroundings. Like dang, Heavenly Father is the most incredible artist there has ever been. Obviously. But still. It amazes me. I was a bridesmaid in a long-time (since middle school) friend's wedding. It was so fun! I got to wear a super cute dress and walk down the aisle and see her and meet a ton of new friends and cool people. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forgive me, its a selfie while I was running.</td></tr>
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Is it ridiculous that I feel extremely overwhelmed and sad that there are so many amazing and cool people in this world that I will never get to meet? I met lots of awesome people and friends at the wedding that I would have never met without it and I realized that there are so many incredible people that I'd love to meet and might not ever get to! That's why I might have to become a hippie bum traveler. A new age nomad. "Hold me fast cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer" [lyrics from one of my favorite bands, Mumford & Sons]<br /></div>
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I felt like a real grown-up traveling all by myself. Especially on the last day when I got to wander NYC alone. I went to my favorite gluten-free bakery, my favorite dessert place, ate lunch in central park, and of course wandered aimlessly around times square area....checking out cheap clothes. And of course I spent a while in a bookstore. Sorry for my Facebook friends that have already seen all these pictures....but I had to put them on the blog too!</div>
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Cancer......its a funny thing. People ask me all the time, "so....like....is it gone now? Like, are you good?" Well, I mean, yes, there is no evidence of cancer in my body but is cancer really ever gone? I don't feel that I can just walk around saying, "I don't have cancer" because I think I'll always "have" it. Cancer isn't something that just goes away. Maybe the dumb little cells that multiply and destroy the insides of your body will stop growing, but the side effects and the doctors visits and the small voice of worry that you pretend isn't there never go away. Especially since I'm still finishing up my maintenance/preventative drug Avastin, I don't feel like I'm done with the whole cancer thing. I still go to the hospital every three weeks. I still sit there for at least an hour, hooked up to an IV tower. I still see my doctors. I still have cancer friends. My mom is trying to get me into a clinical trial that is working on developing a vaccine-like treatment. I would travel to either Dallas, TX or Buffalo, NY once a month to get the drug. So is my cancer gone? No. It's not. It never will be. It will always be a part of me. There's a lot of long-term side effects to chemo that nobody thinks about. Being done with chemotherapy doesn't mean everything is happy daisies and rainbows and you are a normal healthy person all the sudden. Fortunately for me, I am very healthy and happy and have very minimal lasting side effects. Some of my friends aren't so lucky. It's just something we cancer people deal with that others don't understand. I think that's my point of this rambling--to maybe help others understand that cancer isn't like a broken bone. It's not something that heals and then goes away and is something you remember when trying to think of a good story to tell. Maybe in twenty years I'll feel differently, who knows?<br />
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Banana man....this is my friend Dov that I've mentioned a few times here on the blog. He is the ultimate example of bravery, courage and humor when it comes to dealing with life, and cancer in particular. Talk about never ending, he's been in treatment for six years. This is his way of dealing with it. Not only does it help lighten things up for him, it really inspires and helps other people. He gets nervous on scan days so naturally dressing up as a sexy banana makes it easier to handle :)</div>
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I only have three treatments left though! My last treatment is scheduled for December 10th :) And sometime after that I will get my port taken out! I think I might miss my little Gouda buddy. I've gotten so used to having it now that its going to be sad to take it out. I mean like just a little sad. </div>
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So the next thing on my bucket list that I'd like to do is fly to the cheapest destination that is offered for the weekend. Just randomly pick up and go. My next weekend off I'm going to do it. Not sure how you search for "cheapest airline ticket right this second" but I'm going to figure it out. Even if I end up somewhere random like the middle of Kansas. Won't that be fun! </div>
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I found this song on Pandora a while ago and fell in love! One day I wanted to listen to it, so naturally I searched for it on Youtube. Turns out its the cutest Youtube video in world history and now I'm even more in love! I had to share. If at least only for my Camp friends to enjoy :)</div>
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Also, this quote from general conference gave me real hope in the boys of this world. Love like this must exist somewhere. Can you imagine a love like this?<br />
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<img alt="I about cried." height="400" src="http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/a8/ba/61/a8ba6168d18860e20b0d2e5dc8c2b8d9.jpg" width="300" /></div>
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I realized as I've been working and meeting lots of people that there are quite a few angry people in this world. I think I have a lot of legitimate reasons to be a pretty angry person. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I was truly angry. Annoyed yes. Bugged yes. Indignant once. But like blow up-yelling-wanting-to-punch-something angry? Nah. Not my style. I have a forgiving disposition. And man is my life so much the better for it. It's a lifestyle I think more people should adopt. To the lady that got F-word-in-my-face angry at me at the bank for miscounting her money....I'm really really sorry. It was an accident. I'm not a money counting robot. If only you knew what has gone on behind my fohawk and name tag. And if only I knew what you were going through. Then maybe we'd have more compassion and kindness to each other.<br />
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I think that if I could have one sentence said about me on my headstone it'd be that because of me, someone didn't give up. I hope that I can be a tool in God's hands to inspire others. Even just a tiny bit. Even just one person. Then everything I've been though, the cancer, and the getting un=married thing, then it would be worth it. Actually, I think it already has been worth it. I understand life and God's plan and feel His love more than I ever could have without my experiences.</div>
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<img alt="How true that has been." height="319" src="http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/7e/8e/41/7e8e4124c15de40facb6966ae4b2f0a1.jpg" width="320" /></div>
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I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Loon Lake, New York</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Salt Lake City, UT</td></tr>
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Lastly, (for now), I learned how to use a chainsaw and an axe recently! I'm not very good with an axe so I'm crossing axe murderer off my list of possible career choices, but I was quite decent with a chainsaw so chainsaw massacre-ist is still in the running. If only I had a picture of these monumentous events of my life.</div>
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Till next time, au revoir. Peace love and happiness. </div>
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I dare you to do something brave today.</div>
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Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-41034583617872922562013-08-05T22:46:00.000-06:002013-08-05T22:46:06.225-06:00Life Ain't All That BadYou think your life is awesome and good and going really great. And then out of no where something really crappy and hard happens and life kind of sucks for a while, and then all the sudden, life is better than you ever imagined and you have suddenly grown a lot and become a new person. Its the one thing you can count on in life....this cycle of happiness and trials and greater happiness and harder trials. I've definitely been through a few in the past year. But right now life is super awesome :) I'd forgotten how happy I could be! I mean I thought I was happy, but now, I am so happy and just love life! I have so many blessings. It's amazing to know myself again. I definitely lost who I was for a while. I've found myself again.<br />
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I haven't written a blog in such a long time because I really just didn't have anything to write about! I'm just living a normal boring life these days. I work at Zion's bank as a teller, which is pretty fun as far as working goes (I just wish I could be rich and play and take adventures and never have to work haha). And besides that I hang out with friends and go running and rock climbing and boating and such. I don't have a lot of pictures to share, but I will put up what I have.<br />
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I was inspired to write a blog tonight because I had treatment today. It was a lot of fun. I know it sounds silly, but I think I am going to kind of miss going to the infusion center once or twice a month. I love the nurses there and I love talking to the patients and making people happy when they feel miserable. I brought some candy today because the last few treatments I've gone and just read to myself and haven't visited with people like I used to. So today I brought candy so I could have an excuse to walk around and talk to people. Everyone was excited to have candy or at least excited to have someone come over and smile at them so big and tell them to have a fun awesome day :) One lady come up to me after I'd sat back down and began to cry and told me thank you so much for having such a bright positive attitude and that I really made her day. I loved it. I love things like that. It makes me so happy to see that I can make others happy. I also made a new friend today!! Her name is Tami and she has colon cancer and has been going through treatment for THREE AND A HALF YEARS!!!!!! Oh my gosh. I can't even imagine how draining that would be. It would be so incredibly emotionally and mentally draining not to mention physically. She was so much fun to talk to, I love making chemo friends. We talked about how much different cancer patients view life and how stupid petty things don't matter anymore. She was talking about how she had to deal with drama at work and how it just seemed so ridiculous to her when she was just grateful that she even could come to work. I have definitely become a lot more loving and understanding towards others.<br />
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As I was driving home I was admiring the mountains and thinking how much I LOVE our mountains here in Utah. When I get to a lookout point on a trail run, I can't help but stop and take in the view. The top of a mountain I have just climbed is probably one of my favorite places to be/see. The view from a mountain that you have just hiked or climbed or ran is soooo much more gorgeous than a view that you get from driving to a lookout point or something. Even if they are the exact same view, you appreciate the grandeur much more when you have accomplished something to get there. It is the same in life. I appreciate things so much more than I ever have before. I'm glad that God knows what he is doing with me. He definitely has got an amazing plan in store for me. I would never have chosen this path for myself, but I'm glad he knew better than me :) Why is it that parents always know best? </div>
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Some pictures from the Teton mountains in Idaho. We spent a weekend there in July for the Bossard family reunion. I love my family. We are so awesome. We went river rafting, hiking and did a mud run 5k at our family reunion. Way cooler than the average family!<br />
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People always ask how I'm feeling. Even now, even seven months out of chemotherapy. No offense, but it seems like a silly question to me. I also don't really like when people tell me "Wow, you look so good!" As if I'm supposed to look like a sick weak person just because I had cancer? I know I know that no one means it like that and I don't really get offended, but I do get tired of hearing that. So....just tell me that you like my hair or just don't comment on how I look :) And if you do, I'll forgive you and know that you just care about me and are happy to see me looking healthy and not like a cancer zombie dead sick person.<br />
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But....to answer how I'm feeling since everyone always asks me, I feel great and normal like a normal person. I am not back to 100% myself yet, but I am comparing my 100% to when I was a collegiate athlete, so obviously I still have a way to go. I am still weak, but I've been rock climbing and slowly, very very slowly, I am getting a little stronger. My endurance has vastly improved this last month! I have been doing 9 mile runs about once or twice a week and one day I did a 10.5 mile run at an 8:15/mile pace!!! It was amazing and so fun. I still would like to get faster, but I know it will come in time. My goal is to get back to a 18:30 5k by next year sometime :) I would be sooooo happy if I could do that. On the 24th of July I did the Deseret News 10k. It has been a tradition for me to do it ever year with my dad since I was 12. I've only missed one or two years. Last year I couldn't do it because I was still recovering from surgery. This year I ran it in 42:40 :) I was so happy. I obliterated my goal of 45 minutes. I didn't really know what to expect because I haven't really had a real race since over a year ago. So it was very encouraging and exciting.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my friend Joey Plaskett. It was his first 10k ever and he ran it in 38 minutes! An awesome training partner, he's definitely made me faster and helped me push myself again.</td></tr>
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Here's some more pictures from the family reunion. We wore hula skirts and leis for the mud run 5k. It was a great idea. Until we had to swim through a river, jump over fire and army crawl through the mud. Then I was cursing that stupid skirt and how heavy it was all wet and muddy and I couldn't get it off! But it was an awesome race. Plus, I was the first girl to finish so I got this AMAZING trophy straight from Africa! Because the money they raise goes to orphans around the world and the race directors picked up these cool little statues last time they were in Africa helping the orphans. It was definitely the coolest prizes I have ever won.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Inside the cave at the top of the mountain we hiked to. It got pretty narrow and it was FREEZING inside. Like 32 degrees. There was ice. Brrrr.</td></tr>
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One of my best friends from camp had to go to MD Anderson in Houston for a scan and possible surgery about a month ago. She was nervous because this is a recurrence of her cancer. I made her a care package and I was so excited to send it :) You know those presents you just can't wait to give people? This was one of those times. I made her a Build-a-Bear and put in her favorite candy and cereal and some things to help pass the time while she was there. She lives in Tennessee so she had to stay at the hospital for a week. Luckily she doesn't have to get surgery! She just has to do chemo for a while.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I love her :) I love all the friends I met there! Such amazing and inspiring people. They know what really matters in life.</div>
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So I also decided that I am moving to Thailand next year because guess what?! I will be done with treatment in NOVEMBER!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! I am so happy and excited! I thought I was going to have to stay on treatment until next July and I was super bummed and really really sad. But my doctor said it'd be dumb to stay on it that long because the side effects are worse than the slight minuscule benefit that we might possibly have by staying on it any longer. So that means I will be free soon! My mom says "No you need to stay and work" Why? Why does society say that? I am 23. I have the REST OF MY LIFE to work. Someday I will probably have a family. I will never be single and young again. Why do I have to stay here and work? I don't. I don't have to do what society expects me to. I can have fun adventures right now. And I'm going to. Probably even as recently as a year and a half ago I would have talked about something like this, but I never would have actually been "irresponsible" enough to do it. But I realize now after what I have experienced in life, that a bucket list should be more than a wish list. How many people actually accomplish very much on their bucket list? Probably next to none. I've accomplished a lot. And I fully intend to do more. </div>
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Life is an adventure that is meant to be lived</div>
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<b>Adventure: an exciting or unusual experience. A risky undertaking with an uncertain outcome</b><br /><div style="text-align: left;">
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For my adventures this upcoming month I have planned to do a trail Ragnar race at Snowbasin, spend a week in Lake Powell, do a sprint triathalon and hike King's Peak in two days. </div>
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No more rambling. Go, live your dream! </div>
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(ten points to anyone who knows what that quote is from!)</div>
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Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-28435984994058086322013-06-30T15:39:00.001-06:002013-06-30T16:41:02.937-06:00Who I AmIn light of recent events I have had to do a lot of soul searching. When you are with someone for 4 years who start to lose your individual identity. Now that I'm on my own, I've had to get to know myself again. Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like? I have discovered that I am much happier now that I can be myself. Because I have found out, or been reminded, who "myself" is. I thought I'd write it down so I can look back at it in times of doubt.<br />
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<u><b>Who I Am</b></u></div>
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I like chicken nuggets</div>
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<img height="200" src="http://img2.findthebest.com/sites/default/files/530/media/images/Wendys_5_Piece_Chicken_Nuggets_1.png" width="131" /></div>
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I like chocolate</div>
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I like Nutella</div>
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I love frozen yogurt</div>
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I love to run</div>
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<img height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgW-fuQMLllCtABMUEMiSF52RjMnYPbp_inmY_MPQuaYHS-CWrj0FPuQHPc3qjv_hfkMjY9wmE-rDNhzB5ABih6dIsvgp3MuslCuAdCyY7uUEfvI-qvwFVTxpDC9L7IhYOWWCQcFqY6j7Q/w728-h484-no/mile2.JPG" width="400" /></div>
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I have to run to stay sane</div>
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I like Lucky Charms and Reese's Puffs and Trix</div>
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I sometimes like to eat 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast</div>
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I like to eat cereal after dinner</div>
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<img src="http://www.healthydivaeats.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/honey-monster1.jpg" /></div>
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I don't love to cook but I will do it</div>
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I don't mind having short hair</div>
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I love to dirt bike. I don't know why I let myself forget that and get all wussy about it </div>
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<img height="400" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-dqxIGkxgN7E/UZ0PCGIE66I/AAAAAAAADlI/vvvhwFa2aRI/w656-h875-no/P5250017.JPG" width="298" /><br />
I want to own a Harley someday</div>
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I'm not sure what my favorite color is anymore. I think maybe yellow or teal or light pink</div>
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I sometimes feel like my soul is really old. It is tired sometimes. (My soul that is)</div>
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I think that I will like being a mom</div>
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<img height="400" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-2_tzq51MEis/UagERu5UzMI/AAAAAAAAFI8/Dupdsvf3-u8/w656-h875-no/20130530_190832.jpg" width="298" /></div>
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I'm starting to realize that babies are cute and precious. Probably because I can't have one.</div>
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I like Christian rock, country and punk rock</div>
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I like Florence and the Machine</div>
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I like public speaking</div>
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I like to take pictures and to be in pictures</div>
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I like to make crafts with my friends</div>
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<img height="300" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-fNOK-C6XuHc/UEVckRKDl9I/AAAAAAAABQI/wG8Ho47W--c/w1166-h875-no/craft+making+2.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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I like to go hiking</div>
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I love the mountains</div>
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<img height="298" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-v_G1uHo5pN4/UZ0RTxfF6AI/AAAAAAAADpQ/bBuC8ArMA-Y/w1167-h875-no/P7230041.JPG" width="400" /></div>
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I love my dog</div>
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<img height="320" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-kaBPH4bAlac/UcuzZEQk_AI/AAAAAAAAFr8/_5Z6uvPqb7w/w656-h875-no/20130530_145955.jpg" width="239" /><img height="320" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-4FtmKPLDT8g/UZ1ObxGI8BI/AAAAAAAAD5Q/4CCO-XEWisw/w656-h875-no/20130423_112947.jpg" width="239" /></div>
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I love my family. Every single one of them- from my crazy aunts, to my quiet brothers, to my awesome grandparents</div>
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I like to be silly</div>
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<img height="310" src="http://www.studentsoftheworld.info/sites/animals/img/34837_cute_monkey-8533.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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I like to make cookies</div>
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I like to be outside</div>
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I love to read</div>
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Sometimes I like to be lazy</div>
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I secretly wish I could get a tattoo</div>
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<img alt="Breast cancer tattoo for dawnnie" height="320" src="http://media-cache-ak1.pinimg.com/550x/4b/c3/0c/4bc30ceb8b1ca88d7f8da8ef14641885.jpg" width="320" /></div>
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I can keep a secret</div>
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I love playing Scrabble/Words with Friends</div>
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Lake Powell is my favorite vacation in the world. Next to Thailand</div>
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<img height="298" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-0CGiLWsofbo/UB66_7iWS8I/AAAAAAAAA6U/WnE-62CqEOc/w1167-h875-no/IMG_1228.JPG" width="400" /><img height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibGovWIA4y10eqtioUGotP2fuefKMniI2Zj9dW1r1gFPPr_vyx_o7bKuUUoJPxOR5nHsih7Oe5Vh4N3XyGKqa1uXI3ISqjOh0RF8PF2LG3mfAoLyhbfaGbWiPLAOcpumq6Z6PqBXKx284/w1172-h875-no/DSCF4178.JPG" width="400" /></div>
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Okay actually Camp Mak-a-Dream is my favorite place in the world</div>
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<img height="300" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/995813_10201514798176568_74945044_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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I don't like tennis because I'm really bad at it</div>
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I like racquetball</div>
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I like perfume but I'm too cheap to buy it</div>
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I <i>love</i> picnics</div>
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I don't really like to shop</div>
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I LOVE monkeys</div>
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<img height="300" src="http://www.furrytalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/6.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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I love to read</div>
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I like surprises</div>
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I like humidity and hot weather </div>
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Paul Walker is gorgeous</div>
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<img height="320" src="http://www.pop-topia.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/Paul_Walker.jpg" width="400" /><img alt="Paul Walker..." height="400" src="http://media-cache-ec2.pinimg.com/550x/5d/31/e0/5d31e017787a515388c6abc2dc9fe3ff.jpg" width="287" /></div>
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I am independent</div>
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I love playing the piano</div>
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I can do hard things</div>
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<img height="400" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-_Mj2TRSavBc/UZ1SWsIV0gI/AAAAAAAAEzY/3KfMRSjc2H0/w656-h875-no/Image10102012075136.jpg" width="298" /><img height="400" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-GwqhUWlcyb4/UHhPAaR3Q4I/AAAAAAAAB6w/Bc0LiURibHk/w657-h875-no/IMG_1498.JPG" width="300" /></div>
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<b>I am ME</b></div>
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<br />Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-19131878048482679752013-06-15T21:26:00.000-06:002013-06-15T21:31:15.539-06:00Out of the Darkest Nights Come the Brightest MorningsLast week I had the opportunity to attend<a href="http://www.campdream.org/"> Camp Mak-a-Dream</a> in Goldcreek, Montana where I spent the <b><i>best</i> </b>week of my life. It was a young adult camp (YAC) for 18-40 year old cancer survivors/patients. It was seriously so incredible. I can't even begin to describe how fun and amazing it was. I didn't realize how much I needed some cancer friends.<br />
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When I first arrived at the Missoula Montana airport on Sunday June 2, I was scared to death and feeling extremely shy and awkward. I basically haven't really needed social skills for the past 3 1/2 years so I was unsure if I had any or not. However, that feeling quickly changed. As we got settled in for our first night at camp I quickly made friends. By the third day at camp I felt like I had known everybody for ages. It was amazing to me how quickly we all connected with one another. I guess there is just something about having cancer that connects people on a deeper level. The people there were the most inspiring, kindest and understanding people I've ever met. When you have to look your life in the face knowing it could be taken from you any minute something in you changes. The people there didn't judge you. You were just immediately accepted and loved and encouraged to do/be anything you wanted. I love every single person I met there and I miss them all a lot.<br />
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In the evenings we would have Fireside Chats which weren't really by the fire but inside, either with the people in our cabin or the whole group (there were 43 campers I think). It was really incredibly to hear people's stories. I loved that when we would talk about camp people would say things like,<br />
"This is the only time all year that I feel completely 100% myself."<br />
"I feel more at home here than I do at my own house."<br />
"You guys are family to me."<br />
"At home people are always telling me 'You can't', but here everybody tells me 'You CAN' and whether I actually can or not you guys are there supporting me and helping me do my best and pushing me to push myself."<br />
"I feel closer to the friends I make here than I do most of my friends back home, even ones I've known my whole life"<br />
"When I come here I'm not 'that kid with cancer' I'm just a normal kid. I can be me again."<br />
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I write these quotes because every single one of them is true for me too. I was afraid that I would get homesick, but I didn't. Not even for a second. I really did feel like I was home being there. It felt like I belonged. And for the first time in a long, long time, I was truly and completely happy. I can't remember the last time I felt so happy and whole.<br />
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There was so much to do there. In the mornings I would wake up before breakfast and go running. It was beautiful. Out in the middle of nowhere, there was like 3 roads to choose from, but it was just beautiful mountain country.<br />
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<img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1003641_10152928999050228_987154737_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/421371_10152928999680228_1750704510_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="300" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/998897_10200209629584361_902932976_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="298" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/943089_2024002803287_215757305_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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There was an Art Barn that had basically every single type of craft you could ever dream of doing. It was so amazing! I love doing crafts! The first two days were cold and rainy so I spent a lot of time in there. They had jewelry making, ceramics, tie dye, every kind of drawing medium, wood working, dream catcher making, yarn, fabric, things to paint....you name it, I bet it was an option. The first craft we all had to make was a Warm Fuzzy Bag. We all decorated a brown paper lunch sack and then hung it up on the bulletin board in the main lodge. Throughout the week people would write nice notes to you and drop them in your warm fuzzy bag. Reading the warm fuzzies you got from people was always super exciting :) Everyone is so nice and makes you feel so good about yourself! Camp was definitely a self-esteem boost. Especially after what I've been going through the past nine months.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm no artist, but I was proud of this oil pastel drawing I did</td></tr>
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There was also a ropes course, a rock climbing wall, horses, zip line, mini golf, basketball, volleyball, hot tub, swimming pool, foos-ball and pool table, archery...so much to do! And since we were adults it was fairly unstructured so you got to choose what you wanted to do. They had a few guest speakers come and present workshops. One evening we had a drum circle that was super awesome! This awesome hippie drummer guy taught us a bunch of cool rhythms on these sweet African drums.<br />
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<img height="400" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/301_10152929000135228_2135013045_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/7115_615471921798439_221151701_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/971756_615473018464996_1179945135_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="225" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/972148_569937306383889_1964660551_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="225" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/935902_569937429717210_1150358276_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/8682_10200209634144475_2073078937_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/5591_10201514601971663_456085875_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1006242_615475031798128_390342397_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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One morning we did a hike. There is a butte/peak right behind the camp that they hike. Me and my friend Ian made it up pretty quickly and there were a few people right behind us. But what was incredible was that every person that started the hike, made it to the top. One girl has to walk with the aid of a cane. She made it. One boy had a brain tumor and has had to re-learn how to walk and everything. He made it. One boy has really bad joint damage and said that a year ago he was confined to a wheelchair and his doctors told him he may never be able to walk normally again. But last year at camp inspired him and this year he made it to the top! It was the most inspiring thing to watch these incredible young people who have been through so much make it to the top of this peak. The last half of the hike is not easy. Its quite steep. I was so humbled watching them.<br />
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<img height="400" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1581_569932133051073_28922838_n.jpg" width="225" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/532499_10152943041995228_1135908934_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1785_10201514596051515_2108405382_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="265" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/5230_10152902085370641_1919472750_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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We made masquerade masks out of leather one night for the masquerade dance. That was way cool. We started with a flat plain piece of leather and cut out the design we wanted. Then we got the leather wet and molded it to shape and dried it. Then we could decorate it however we wanted. I airbrushed mine. On county fair night we had a fruit sculpting contest. My group won, of course! Woo woo Haley and Jimmy, best fruit sculpters around!<br />
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<img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/1530_10152928999110228_1126342831_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1004570_10152928999565228_1045618410_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/970724_10152928999275228_578424655_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1002429_10152928999515228_1436997935_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="300" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/9799_10152928999505228_1441476769_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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On Wednesday we drove into town (Missoula) and got lunch and walked around downtown. We got to ride the carousel which I was told is the fastest one in the US or something? Who knows, but it was super fun to act like a kid and be totally goofy. The funnest part was the weird hippie dancers in the middle of the park doing the weirdest dance moves. Me and two of my friends, Ian and Courtney, decided to join them. It was awesome! There was a whole crowd watching and it was totally weird, but really funny :)<br />
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<img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-g-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/969183_10152928998720228_1875996036_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/993522_10152928998745228_415789943_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/998379_10152943082840228_1426941742_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="300" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/600554_10200209654304979_1988731614_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/7815_10201514793096441_322939561_n.jpg" width="400" /><br />
The hippie dancer guy and his wife.</div>
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The dance was super fun. Everyone was goofy and crazy. The last night we stayed up all night long and took our sleeping bags out in the grass and watched the stars. It was a big ol' cuddle puddle of awesomeness! One of the funnest nights ever.<br />
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<img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/942590_10152928999650228_1897328934_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1003843_10201514873938462_233927044_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-e-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc3/999517_10201514871218394_1449802049_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/954811_569940533050233_1999124618_n.jpg" width="225" /><img height="225" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn2/1_10152893852065156_1199264828_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/6468_10201515064343222_1574331743_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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<img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/947134_10201515061223144_1298959813_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="400" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-b-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/1000540_615475715131393_89943116_n.jpg" width="300" /><img height="400" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc3/996691_10151706883731369_518902780_n.jpg" width="298" /><img height="225" src="https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-frc1/375748_569940209716932_382953850_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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And I've even kept in contact with a lot of the people still! We've had two Google Hangouts (like Skype but with more people) and we text every day :) Thank heavens for technology! I really really really hope I get to go back next year. I miss my friends a ton.<br />
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<img height="260" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1004577_10152943000745228_1198900787_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="260" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/1016360_10152943002095228_1852872607_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="260" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/994814_10201322583293066_1355411998_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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The amazing thing about Camp Mak-a-Dream is that it is offered free of charge to anybody diagnosed with cancer. You just have to pay your transportation to get there. They couldn't do it without donations from people. A lot of the staff up there was volunteer, and there were so many supplies and fun things they provided us that have all been donated. WOW. THANK YOU to anybody who has ever donated to them. And to anybody who is looking for a charity to donate to, they would be the ones. Every person that goes there comes back a changed and happier person. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity I had to go there. I really needed it. A really cool testament to how amazing camp is was a statement from my friend. She looked through all the pictures posted on Facebook from camp and we were talking about it and she said, "Everyone just looked so happy in all the pictures." It's true. Everyone there is just so happy.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My amazing cabin leader Sarah. She was the funnest girl in the world. She was also from Salt Lake. She got her cool pants in Africa and I got mine in Thailand. Someone asked us "so are those cool pants like a Utah thing or something?" It was super funny</td></tr>
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The saddest part about camp was when we had a Celebration of Life. Early one morning those who wanted to, gathered by the memorial wall and spent some time honoring those who couldn't make it to camp this year. It was heartbreaking to know that some of the people my friends knew hadn't lived to make it back to camp. It made having cancer so much more real to me. I couldn't stand to lose anybody I met this year. It's hard to believe that some people don't make it. Everyone at camp is so full of life. So bright and happy. But I guess that's why everyone there is so much more loving. We have all learned to appreciate life so much more. You learn that life is to be cherished and there isn't time to do anything but love people and live in the moment. Every person there has learned to live in the moment and be grateful for what they have. If you wanted you could light a floating candle to honor someone who had passed on.</div>
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<img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/935233_10201514969100841_216333969_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/943079_10201514968620829_221814013_n.jpg" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://fbcdn-sphotos-f-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/945654_10201514969380848_500468829_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
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I am so glad I got to go to this camp. It allowed me to find myself and remember who I am. It allowed to me be happier than I can remember being. It was truly a testament to me that after the hardest darkest times in your life will always come incredible times of joy. There will always be opposition, but the happy times remind you that its all worth it :)</div>
<br />Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-3724703831365769722013-06-06T09:31:00.000-06:002013-06-06T09:31:56.617-06:00The End.... is Often Just the Beginning in DisguiseYou may have noticed the lack of a certain person in my blog and pictures as of late. And as those of you on Facebook have noticed, my status has changed to single. I know people are going to wonder and gossip and I want the truth told in as few words as possible so as not to publicly humiliate or make it look like I am trying to be vindictive. I have had so many ask where my husband is, that is makes it uncomfortable for me and for them. Remember how I said I have been going through a really hard time lately? Well, truth is my marriage has ended because my spouse has struggled with fidelity issues for quite some time which has ultimately led him to choosing others over me and not wanting to be married to me anymore. Which left me with no option but to end our marriage. Let me tell you, this has been the hardest trial of my life. Much harder than going through cancer.<br />
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Sometimes life sucks. Like really sucks. And there's nothing you can do it about but just square up your shoulders and press on. Like I said in the title of this post....the end of something good is often the beginning of something great. I would not be able to handle my life if it wasn't for my faith in God. I don't share my testimony very often, but in this case, I really have to. I know that I'm going to be okay. I know without a doubt that my God has something incredible in store for me. Something so great I can't even comprehend it. I know that He wants me to be happy even more than I want myself to be happy. I don't know why I've had to experience the trials I've been given. With cancer the blessings were often immediate and easy to see. With this, the blessings are still in hiding :) But I do have faith that when I'm 95, on a long run on a beautiful morning, I will look back on my life and be so grateful that things turned out the way they did. For a while I decided that happy endings were a myth, a lie people have made up. But its not true. I still believe in Happily Ever After. I believe in Happily Ever Now. I don't have to wait for the future to be happy. I can be, and I am, happy right now. Believe me, I have hard days. But I have more good days than hard days. I will always be a fighter, I will never give up.<br />
<img height="358" src="http://www.21st-century-christianity.com/images/never-give-up-11-5.jpg" width="400" /><br />
Life can try to swallow me up, but like this awesome little frog, I'll choke it's neck until it spits me back out again :) Haha.<br />
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<i>Put your shoulder to the wheel......push along, with a heart full of song</i>. It'd be stupid to give up. To give in to sadness and let life pass me by? That'd be such a waste of a great life! President Thomas S. Monson, prophet of the LDS church, said, "The future is as bright as your faith". Man are those words true. I have faith. I need faith. You can't always see what lies ahead of you. Sometimes that is really hard. But God can, and He knows how much joy the future will bring me. I definitely trust Him. He knows what he's doing.</div>
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So I've buckled up, grabbed my safety goggles, put my helmet on and I'm ready for the ride. There are so many opportunities out there for me now that I never could have had before. I am so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. And I want to do great things. On my bucket list is the item "Do something really great". I'm trying to accomplish that. When I wrote it on my list I was imagining something big and flashy like saving a life or going to a foreign country and building a school or something. But I've learned over the past year that the greatest people are the ones who live their life doing simple things every day that help people. Being great isn't one big huge act. It's living every day in a way that blesses others.</div>
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Today is the day I have been given. Yesterday is over. And you never know if you will be given tomorrow. So I'm choosing to make today the best I can. Sometimes I fail :) But I have an <i>incredible</i> family, awesome friends, and an amazing ward family that stands by my side. There have been things about this whole situation that have been harder than others. But when it comes down to it I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what anyone in this world thinks of me, it really only matters what God thinks of me. And if I feel that He is okay with me, then I know I'm alright.<br />
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<i>"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God."</i> <i>Ether 12:4, Book of Mormon</i></blockquote>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small; text-align: left;">This quote is perfect, since I just celebrated my "Michael Jordan" birthday :)</span></td></tr>
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I know when I've told people what's going on they get super awkward and don't know what to say or how to act or what to do. Honestly, you can say whatever you want. If you want to bring it up and ask me how I'm doing that is just fine. If you'd rather ignore it and talk about other things in life, that is fine too. Mostly I just need people to hug me and tell me they're sorry for me and let me know its going to be okay.</div>
Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-78897316149729617082013-05-31T11:19:00.000-06:002013-05-31T11:19:05.872-06:001 Year, 2 Surgeries, 18 Chemo TreatmentsOne year ago today I was diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian cancer. Little did I know it would be the easier of my upcoming trials for the year. I sure have learned a lot and grown in ways I would have never imagined. I'm more grateful for life and less afraid of expressing myself. I have learned to tell people that I care about them and to make time to spend with friends and family. I've been more blessed than I could have dreamed. Life is sure hard sometimes. I know I've said it before but the only way to handle hard things is to live life one day at a time. Make the most of every moment you have. I'm grateful for the growth I've experienced this year. I've had some really hard things but I know that everything happens for a reason.<br />
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To celebrate my 1 year since diagnosis anniversary, I of course am spending it at no better place than the good old Huntsman Center getting my maintenance drug infusion. I'm lucky to have such a sweet mom that is willing to spend her Friday morning sitting around with me. Later today we will be heading to Logan for the Little Red Riding Hood bike ride. I did it last year less than 2 days after my diagnosis and before my first surgery. It really means a lot to me to be able to ride, this year cancer free. We are planning on doing seventy miles!<br />
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Last night I got to have a girl's night with the most adorable little girl, my sweet cousin. We had lots of fun together. We went swimming, painted pictures, played with dolls, watched Tangled, made brownies and ate them warm with ice cream. How precious little children are. So sweet and just think the world of you. Even playing dolls was fun :)<br />
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And I always have to include a picture of Koda....I got him a new frisbee without a center so he can pick it up easier. He loves it. And loves to wear it haha. I love the little guy.<br />
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Wish me luck on the bike ride tomorrow!!! I'm a little nervous, 70 miles is pretty far! But I did run NINE miles yesterday without dying so I think I'm getting back in shape :)Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-43074398599074735422013-05-23T14:00:00.000-06:002013-05-23T14:23:27.247-06:00Year for the Hall of FameYesterday was my birthday!! I turned 23. Since that is Michael Jordan's basketball jersey number, that must mean this is going to be a lucky year...one that will go in the Hall of Fame for greatness. Right? That's at least what I keep telling myself.<br />
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I didn't actually do a whole lot to celebrate my "Michael Jordan" birthday. But last weekend I went to Las Vegas to visit my Aunt Debbie and my cousins Mackay and Alyssa. It was so much fun! I loved driving down by myself. Just a nice quiet car with me, myself and I. I listened to Inkheart book on CD. The weather was perfect. Not too hot and way better than the weather in Salt Lake. I heard it was pouring rain and freezing. My aunt had all sorts of things planned to keep me busy. I got a desperately needed haircut--I was seriously starting to look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo, I got a super nice pedicure, laid out by the pool, volunteered at a 5k for Dress for Success (a company that helps clothe needy women professionally so they can get a job), read a book, and went out to Lake Las Vegas for a free jazz concert and picnic. It was so nice to get away and have a fun weekend without anything to worry or stress about. My favorite thing was the picnic. I LOVE picnics. It's probably one of my favorite summer activities. Plus it was gorgeous by the lake. It was fun spending time with that side of my family because I don't get to see them all that often. I wish I would have taken more pictures but I kept forgetting :(<br />
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I of course remembered to take pictures of the chocolate "pizza" from Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory though. It was divine. The "crust" was dark chocolate and the toppings were rice krispies, marshmallows, peanut butter and chocolate chips all covered in white chocolate. To. Die. For. Literally....I probably clogged all my arteries eating it.<br />
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I am really liking having short hair. It is fun and spunky and different. I don't know if I'll grow it long again or not.<br />
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Yesterday for my birthday I woke up bright and early. At 5:30am to be exact. I wanted to go running before I had to be to work at 7:30. I dragged my dad out of bed to go with me. It was a gorgeous morning. Not cold at all like I thought it would be. I love running.<br />
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After work I went shopping with my mom for new running shoes. I've been needing some for like 4 months. For dinner my mom made me Thai food! YUM. I love Thai food. It's probably my new favorite type of food. Ever since Thailand that is. We had green curry chicken, vegetable stirfry and the best part...mango sticky rice.<br />
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After dinner we went to my brother Caden's band concert at Butler Middle. I was expecting a squeaky eardrum splitting performance but they were incredible!! I enjoyed listening to them, it was great. And of course to top of the night I had cake and blew out a candle :) But I can't tell you what I wished for or else it won't come true!!<br />
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Today I went hiking with Cesia. Hiking is my other favorite summer activity. I LOVE hiking and being in the mountains. Koda had fun coming with us too. Like his cute saddle bags?? :) <span style="color: #0000ee;">They're </span>a little big for him, but it worked.<br />
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I love summer :) I love the sun and being hot and hiking and picnics and running and mountains and getting in a hot car.<br />
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Thanks everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday and made me feel special. Such a simple thing really made my day.<br />
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Here's to a fun summer and hopefully a year full of goodness and joy and happy things!<br />
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<br />Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-25982805988449189062013-05-14T21:00:00.001-06:002013-05-14T21:00:41.091-06:00Today the Sun Will ShineI have one of the greatest friends. She gave me a gift and inside were a bunch of smaller gifts that all had perfect awesome quotes on them. The one from today was a short little poem. It is how I try to live each day. I thought that maybe other people could benefit from it besides just me, so I want to share.<br />
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It is called<b> <i>Today</i></b>. I don't know who wrote it.<br />
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<br /><i>Outside my window, a new day I see<br />And only I can determine<br />What kind of day it will be.<br />It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,<br />or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.<br />My own state of mine is the determining key,<br />For I am only the person I let myself be.<br />I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,<br />Or be selfish and think just of myself.<br />I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,<br />or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.<br />I can be patient with those who may not understand,<br />or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.<br />But I have faith in myself, and believe what I say,<br />And I personally intend to make<br />The best of each day</i></blockquote>
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<img height="400" src="http://www.wallpaper7.in/file/651/2560x1600/crop/funny-monkey-1.jpg" width="640" /><br />
And this. Because how can you be sad with a face like this?<br />
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Make the best of each day. You don't know how many you'll have. You never know how many people you can affect for good. Tell people how you feel.Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-57789485467286980722013-05-12T22:20:00.001-06:002013-05-12T22:25:01.816-06:00Diamond from the Rough<div style="text-align: left;">
You know the saying that diamonds are just pieces of charcoal that handled pressure extremely well? Well I am planning on becoming one dang beautiful perfect huge sparkly diamond. Yep. That's the plan.</div>
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On a side note, I have been way busy and having so much fun! I don't know how anybody has a full time job; how do people have time to socialize and do fun things?? I have the greatest friends and family.<br />
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I really hate being cliche so I'm not going to write a whole post about my incredible mom even though she absolutely deserves it! But I will give her a little shout out. I have such an awesome mother. She takes such great care of me and does SO much for me. She has helped me so much, especially lately. She was the most amazing care-giver any cancer patient could ever ask for and she continues to spend so much time doing things for me. This year I gave her a really special Mother's Day present. My uncle Dave Despain (pianist for The Salamanders...awesome band, you should check them out on Facebook) helped me record a CD for my mom of a bunch of her favorite songs! I played viola and he accompanied me on piano. It was so much fun and turned out amazing. It was really fun to give it to her :) We did songs from Phantom of the Opera, Les Misreable, Sound of Music, some church hymns, etc. This is the picture I put on the cover :) She was patient with me for so long as a kid, forcing me to practice and making me stick with it. I'm so glad she did! Thank you Mom for teaching me not to give up. It's a lesson I've definitely needed in my life.<br />
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The best Mother's Day present for all of us was getting to talk to our missionary Josh! He is doing so well. He has grown up a lot and is so responsible and happy and outgoing. It was really fun getting to talk to him. He is serving in the Anaheim California mission and is currently located in the Yorba Linda area. Such a stud.</div>
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So Friday it rained. I love the rain. Like really truly LOVE the rain. It was the most perfect kind of rain there is. The sun was still shining through the clouds, it was warm, and there was a beautiful vibrant rainbow shining the whole time. It was a lovely evening at the park. I'm grateful for rainbows. I know that they are God's way of telling us that everything is going to be okay. I know that everything IS going to be okay.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I took this on my phone at the park.</td></tr>
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I got to go dirt-biking with my dad and brother at a motocross track in North Salt Lake. It is super fun to go to because there are huge jumps. I forgot how much I like to dirtbike. It's been a really long time since I went!<br />
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I also got to go to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point. It was pretty! </div>
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One night I even went rock climbing! It was awesome. By the end I thought my arms were going to fall off. I couldn't even grab the rocks anymore. I wish it was cheaper to do it because it is so much fun. I need to find someone that will take me in the outdoors that already has equipment ;)</div>
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Everyone was pooped.....especially Zack :) hahaha. We all felt like he looks.</div>
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My cousin Rachel graduated in Psychology from the University of Utah!!! Yay! We got to go to her graduation and out to dinner at Taggart's after. Graduating is the best. No more school! At least for a while....<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Apparently Taggart's has a peacock theme. Never seen a peacock in real life so close before!</td></tr>
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And this is my awesome Aunt Debbie. I am going to visit her in Las Vegas this weekend, I am SOOO excited. Hot sunny days by the pool and nothing to worry about. I can't wait.</div>
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This past weekend we went to my dad's lake. It was a perfect day and we had a ton of fun. Koda especially liked it. I guess he likes to swim :) Such a cute little bugger.</div>
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He's getting real big. I love him. And Koda and Gizmo are starting to get along better now. They even snuggled on the couch tonight.</div>
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One of the coolest things I've done lately was get to see Cassadee Pope in concert! It was a tiny little event with maybe 30 people. We got to meet her after and talk to her and hug her. She is adorable and the nicest person ever! For those of you who have no idea who she is, she won The Voice last season. She played her new music for us and we got to hear the single she's going to release on June 4th on The Voice! It was incredible. My cousin Brittany was dying; it was so fun. Plus I have always wanted to meet a famous person and now I have!</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIuNZt3hOmwysyaMqONU3LIdiPqQYY9j_AKqGMmA8ujHRtc40f0eMTNNzloG7TZFFMjgjmfLD79uT_rq3JK3sljiqXSdmyhlkhEGYaaCgtBFjfo8LOLlXII3GHCHcHyqlVvk6pwg53_q0/s1600/IMG_20130510_171648.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIuNZt3hOmwysyaMqONU3LIdiPqQYY9j_AKqGMmA8ujHRtc40f0eMTNNzloG7TZFFMjgjmfLD79uT_rq3JK3sljiqXSdmyhlkhEGYaaCgtBFjfo8LOLlXII3GHCHcHyqlVvk6pwg53_q0/s400/IMG_20130510_171648.jpg" width="400" /></a>She is seriously so pretty.<br />
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<img height="300" src="https://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/936683_10100890074760019_1931518082_n.jpg" width="400" /></div>
And we were totally freaking out. At least I was. Obviously. I'm such a nerd.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have her SIGNED poster hanging in my closet :)</td></tr>
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Also, I have become hooked on Gilmore Girls. It has saved my life. Thank you to Lorelai Gilmore for teaching me how to me social and funny. Her and Rory are the best date night buddies :)</div>
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<img height="240" src="http://www.pureimaginationblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/gilmore_girls.jpg" width="320" /><img height="320" src="http://www.ultimateeditiondvd.com/product_images/w/870/gilmore-girl-1__53933_zoom.jpg" width="320" /></div>
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My cousin Brittany let me borrow her whole collection. Like I said, I have awesome friends and family.</div>
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Well I know reading about my normal mundane life is pretty boring so here is a cancer related sentence or two. I am feeling pretty good. My hair just keeps growing like a weed, I even think I'm needing a haircut. So if anybody knows a really good hairstylist that can cut short hair well please recommend them to me! I'm scared to just go to anyone. I really want a cute pixie and I'm nervous to have someone ruin it if they aren't good at short hair. I had a cold about 2 weeks ago and it took me a while to recover from that but I think I finally am feeling good again. I've been running and even trying to go to the gym. I guess I have osteoporosis now :/ pretty weird for an (almost) 23 year old, but such is life! I just have to keep lifting weights and running and try to eat healthy!</div>
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<br />Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-65250150956375749292013-04-27T21:02:00.001-06:002013-04-27T21:02:53.788-06:00ThailandI know its been almost a month since my last post. I've had a lot going on. Someday readers I will tell you about it. But not today.<br />
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Today you can enjoy these pictures from Thailand! It was the most amazing place I have ever been. I would LOVE to go back there for a year or two and live. I loved everything about it; from the food to the people to the heat and humidity it was all such a great experience. I loved riding the elephants and hiking through the jungles and seeing the humble dwellings of the people. I only got to see monkeys once though :( :( And only from a boat for like 5 minutes. It was extremely disappointing. But otherwise everything was awesome. We went to Bangkok, Chiang Mai and Phuket.<br />
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What I missed about America:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Cold water (especially in Chiang Mai in the jungle)</li>
<li>Being able to drink from the tap</li>
</ul>
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What I loved about Thailand:</div>
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<ul>
<li>Our whole family ate dinner and bought drinks for about $6.</li>
<li>The food was so flavorful and so fresh!</li>
<li>The people were happy and friendly</li>
<li>The country was beautiful</li>
<li>Life was so much simpler</li>
<li>And a thousand other things</li>
</ul>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Breakfast on the plane....weird, right?</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Um this sticker was on the dvd player in our taxi cab</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYeN1FqnXYSXz1DuIC0NCGH9rsSE3Tm-7EA0M20F2RaaQmSNhuaE3s_nffukR417GZ74AnXnA-jGg9lt2-AvZ_Ynv0PVy5_47qmwJGrGiOEW50zyN24-wHYftapAOTKxSnYoOTBLD1qV8/s1600/IMG_0246.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYeN1FqnXYSXz1DuIC0NCGH9rsSE3Tm-7EA0M20F2RaaQmSNhuaE3s_nffukR417GZ74AnXnA-jGg9lt2-AvZ_Ynv0PVy5_47qmwJGrGiOEW50zyN24-wHYftapAOTKxSnYoOTBLD1qV8/s400/IMG_0246.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The cutest little puppy! I wanted to pick him up and love him.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Church! We found an English ward. It was an international ward so there was people from all over the world like Pakistan, India, Thailand, America, Canada, etc.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My new favorite food. Mango Sticky Rice. YUM!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">So some of the toilets you had to stand on and squat. It was interesting.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The actual cutest puppy ever! His name was Pumpkin. He was our tour guide's dog in Chiang Mai. I loved him.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The skinniest little rooster I have ever seen.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Water buffalo in the fields</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZUpGJqOhxQwDo6K2gEnNilL6EWvTRzw1pwQ4-vYIR_zVr0Cng3e4VcECv8rHMn-RT4ybaYHJNDJzXXyhqenoDEreGuZ5O8lMQH-dTks7QV1LCanef5DFlcsFwUJlVTNW7aC8vQhJEqhc/s1600/IMG_0521.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZUpGJqOhxQwDo6K2gEnNilL6EWvTRzw1pwQ4-vYIR_zVr0Cng3e4VcECv8rHMn-RT4ybaYHJNDJzXXyhqenoDEreGuZ5O8lMQH-dTks7QV1LCanef5DFlcsFwUJlVTNW7aC8vQhJEqhc/s400/IMG_0521.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not a marijuana leaf :( I thought for sure it was when I picked it.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Long, hot day of hiking. We were tired!</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cooking our dinner with fresh everything straight from the gardens that day.</td></tr>
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TONS of pictures. It was hard to narrow down which pictures and I obviously didn't do a very good job. But there you have it. If you ever get the chance to travel to Thailand I would highly recommend it.</div>
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Till next post! :) </div>
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<br />Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-22827896199473957462013-03-19T18:16:00.000-06:002013-03-19T18:16:39.373-06:00Told You I was Going to be a Purse ModelRemember when I was pretending to be a purse model? (If you don't <a href="http://sterlinaclegg.blogspot.com/2012/12/americas-next-top-model.html">click here</a> to refresh your memory). Well it turns out that Miche thought I was such a great model that they wanted to do something nice for me!! They sent me a freakin cute new purse liner and donated a few things to help my mom and I raise money for cancer research so we can ride with the <a href="http://littlered.kintera.org/womenofsteal">Huntsman Heroes</a> in the 80 mile bike ride we like to do together. Miche is an awesome company that has three different designs all supporting cancer research. It is called their "Hope" line and all the purses say "Hope" and other inspiring things. They did not ask me to do this post nor did the tell me I have to write a good review about them, I am doing it of my own free will. The ladies that worked with my mom and I are so kind and generous and really made me feel special.<br />
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Here are my incredible model skills at work yet again. These pics aren't as good or fun but there was no one home to be the photographer and its hard to be a model AND a photographer all at once. I tried to get the dog to do it but he wanted to be in the pictures. I had to crop him out of every one haha.<br />
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There you have it :) But back to the bags Miche donated to us. We (meaning my mom and I) want to give away the set (pictured below) to the first person who donates $500. Remember this is completely tax deductible and goes directly to the Huntsman Cancer Institute. However, if no one donates that much, we will have a drawing for it. If you <a href="http://littlered.kintera.org/womenofsteal">donate</a> at least $200 you will be entered into the drawing. My mom and I have committed to raising a total of $1500 between the two of us so we really need your help! If you know of any companies or anybody in the community that usually donates to cancer research let them know about our link so that we can get credit for their donation! If we fail to raise the $1500 we won't be able to do the <a href="http://littlered.kintera.org/womenofsteal">Little Red 80 mile bike ride</a> at all this year :( I would be really sad. After doing it last year the day after I found out I had cancer, I am really looking forward to doing it this year hopefully with a little more energy and on a better note :) This really means a lot to me so help spread the word!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All this is included in the gift set. Three purses, a set of interchangeable handles and a super cute wallet that I wish I could keep.</td></tr>
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All you have to do is go to this link<span style="font-size: large;"> <b><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://littlered.kintera.org/womenofsteal">http://littlered.kintera.org/womenofsteal</a></span></b></span><b><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></b>and donate. Every dollar helps! So if you only have one dollar to spare, do it. It's for a good cause. I would know. Because there is a lot about ovarian cancer that they don't know yet and I need them to hurry and find it out! <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Last year 2 days after I found out I had cancer. You've seen this picture before I'm sure.</td></tr>
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P.S. I am doing really well. Today I got to run with my former teammates and I was even able to keep up with them! Yes it was their "recovery" run and I was not recovering, but it still felt awesome and made me really happy! I love my hair now that it looks like a cute pixie cut and I am LOVING the sunshine. Also I happen to be going into a situation in a few days in which I might get to see a lot of monkeys. Holy crap I can't even contain my excitement. If they jump on me and crawl on me and I get to play with them I might just pee my pants because I will be so happy. But that is in a few days to come and I will definitely be bragging about it here!<br />
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Oh and it was my 3 year anniversary on March 12! Can't believe I made it that long. But seriously. It was a rough third year for us.<br />
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<br />Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-34474423107852744242013-03-10T19:33:00.000-06:002013-03-10T19:33:05.711-06:00New NormalIt has been AGES since I wrote a blog post. I know. I'm sorry. It's like my journal, I am sooooo good at it for months and months and then all the sudden I fall out of the habit and can't get back into it. Mostly I just got busy and then when I wanted to write about something I didn't have pictures for it so I thought it'd be too boring to write about. But this blog is my journal now and I know I'm going to want to write things down so I can read back over them later or maybe, just maybe, my future kids might want to read it. Who knows.<br />
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I got a job about 2 weeks ago! I only work Monday, Wedneday and Friday but I feel so busy and I haven't had time to write. Okay I obviously have all day on Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday or Sunday but......I feel like I have been busy haha. I am working as a physical therapy aide at<a href="http://prcpt.net/"> Performance Rehab Clinic</a> in Draper of 12300 S. I work from 7:30am to 2:30 or 3pm. Then I change into my running clothes and run from work and then I get home around 4:30ish. I have been having a ton of fun and I really am enjoying what I do. I definitely don't do it for the pay...but it is great experience and I like it which is important.<br />
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I wrote at the beginning of February that I was finally feeling back to normal......I must have forgotten what "normal" felt like because now at the beginning of March I am realizing that even just a month ago I was far from normal! I cannot believe how much different I feel now! I didn't realize it until I went skiing yesterday and I was able to ski all day, hard, without needing a break every 5 minutes or feeling like I was going to die. I didn't remember that you shouldn't feel like you are going to collapse after one really hard run. I didn't remember what it felt like to be able to breathe without feeling sick to my stomach. I didn't remember that when I go running I shouldn't feel like I'm going to pass out after 15 minutes. All of these things I am able to do lately and it is so incredible!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel AMAZING. I can wake up at 6:30 in the morning and function all day. I can stay up till midnight without becoming a zombie (I mean I'm still an early to bed kind of gal but if needed, I can stay up). I am back up to running 5 1/2 to 6 1/2 miles a day. Two Saturdays ago I ran for 7 miles! And I did 41 minutes without stopping. On Friday I ran the last three miles of my six mile run at an under 8 min/mile pace :) I seriously did not realize how tired I had been the past 8 months of my life. Maybe even longer. I think the cancer in me was making me fatigued even before I started chemo.<br />
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I am so incredibly grateful every single day for my health and my body and my energy. I sometimes want to cry because I feel SO much better I can't even comprehend it. My hair is finally a cute length. I can style it cute and in the next month or so I can probably even get a hair cut! Never thought I'd be excited to be able to have a hair cut haha.<br />
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I titled this post "new normal" because even though I am feeling "normal", normal will never be the same for me. I have really struggled with some of the after effects of cancer. Like having a 10 inch scar down my stomach that makes it all lumpy and misshapen. And having a weird belly button that I have to clean out (who cleans their belly button?) And having the metabolism of a post-menopausal lady. Just things that I am learning to live with and accept. Some days I do better than other days, just like anyone. Although I do think that surgeons should have to take a semester's worth of plastic surgery courses. Just sayin' ;)<br />
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My brother Josh has been in the MTC for 12 days now. He is really enjoying it and sounds so happy. I've only heard from him twice but both times he just sounded like he was enjoying it a lot. He got to give his first priesthood blessing this last week and he got to use my cancer story to help an investigator he was teaching :) I am glad he's doing well. He seems to really be flourishing. He leaves for the field in California on Tuesday. My sister-in-law leaves for her mission on Wednesday. SO crazy. She's really excited too.<br />
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Okay I have like 3 more posts I need to write this week so come back for more updates :) Sorry this post was so much talk and so little pictures, not as much fun to read, I know, but it's stuff I gotta say, at least for myself.<br />
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P.S. That last sentence had four commas. Pretty sure any English teacher would kill me.Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-29022710679183582342013-02-13T15:53:00.001-07:002013-02-13T23:05:49.570-07:00What a Chemo-free Life is LikeWell it has been 5 weeks and 1 day since my last chemotherapy treatment. Just this past week I started to finally feel like I am back to normal. Basically. I can run without feeling like death! I can actually run! Like I'm running and not walk-jogging. I felt like I had set a world record the day that I ran 4 miles at an 8:30 min/mile pace :) Funny how life changes your perspective. A year ago I would have thought it was the end of the world if I ran that slow haha. Now I am ecstatic.<br />
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I also have started noticing little tiny baby hairs coming back in my eyelashes! YAY! I <i>really</i> hated not having eyelashes. Sterling says he can see baby eyebrows too but I haven't noticed those yet. I did have to shave my armpits though! Haha. Probably TMI but when you've been hairless for so long it is a weird thing to have to start doing again.<br />
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I have been doing lots of fun things!<br />
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We went over to Grammy's house to watch Suits one night and she introduced us to Honeybells. It is a fruit that is a mix between a tangerine and a grapefruit. It sounds not very good but they were delicious! Super sweet and incredibly juicy. That's why we got to wear bibs. They only grow in Florida one month of the whole year so you have to special order them. But yum!<br />
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One day I went sledding out at my dad's lake behind our 4-wheelers. Even my mom was brave enough to go! </div>
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Last week Sterling and I played parents to my cousins while their parents were in Jamaica. They are 10 and 8. Thanks to Pinterest I found a super fun activity for the boys to do one day. Ninja Nerf Gun Target Practice. I made each balloon worth a different amount of points and every time they hit the balloon they got points. At the end they could cash in their points for some awesome prizes. Basically they thought I was the coolest babysitter and cousin ever.<br />
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Koda had to stay at my parent's house all week because the boys are allergic to dogs :( It was really sad, we missed him a lot!</div>
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Cesia and Morgan came over one day and we made Valentine's crafts. I am becoming quite the crafty gal! The main thing we made was 3D paper hearts that are hung from tree branches in a cute glass vase. The whole craft only cost about $3.50! It's cute and not too cheesy or tacky. At least I think so.</div>
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Sunday was an exciting day for the Zufelt family. My brother Josh gave his farewell talk in church! He did a great job, he is quite the funny guy. He was nice enough to ask me to play my viola as the special musical number. It was really fun. I wish I had a picture of us on his farewell day to post but I don't. He doesn't leave till the 27th though so we still have a bit of time with him.<br />
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After Josh's farewell Caden had his Eagle Court of Honor. He's only 14 (almost)! Pretty impressive. My mom hired a live eagle to come in as part of the ceremony. </div>
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This Monday I went skiing with my dad. It was beautiful and sunny most of the day but freezing cold on top of the mountain. He wanted to take a picture but I was too cold even to show my face for half a second. So this is what he got haha</div>
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Next Monday the 18th I have to go back in for my Avastin treatment. It should only take an hour though. It has been nice to have a break from the Huntsman! As great as all the people are there, it is relieving not to be there all the time. I am so happy that I've been able to recover pretty quickly. I'm hoping in another month I'll be completely feeling normal with a super awesome haircut. I am seriously considering putting in purple/blue/pink highlights. Like 90% I'm going to do it. Why not right?</div>
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<img alt="purple and blue highlights" height="320" src="http://media-cache-ec3.pinterest.com/550x/56/db/f2/56dbf2c719395cc398003d7b8721dad9.jpg" width="230" />Like wouldn't this be totally awesome?</div>
Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-65392629428329336362013-01-28T15:21:00.000-07:002013-01-28T15:21:36.256-07:00Celebrate!On Wednesday after my appointments I came home to a surprise party dinner!! It was so awesome, I have such a thoughtful mother-in-law. She even got me balloons!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why is that so exciting? I don't know, but I was really wanting balloons on my last day of chemo, so when I walked in to balloons on my last day of having cancer it was really exciting. And the best part is one of the balloons was Rapunzel! My favorite. I love Tangled almost as much as I love monkeys. And that is a lot.<br />
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Facebook was exploding with congratulations from people. It made me feel really awesome and excited. I'm not going to lie, my doctor's "NED" visit was a total let down. So I'm really glad I came home to a party and for the virtual party all my friends and family gave me via Facebook. I like social media for that reason. Thanks everybody for being so excited for me.</div>
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I haven't had a bloody nose in 9 days now! I am soooo glad. Definitely one of the more annoying side effects that I wouldn't have thought about. This is the beginning of the 4th week since my last chemo treatment. My hair keeps getting longer....but also more sparse. It is the weirdest thing. I know I've mentioned it before but it's still falling out! Ah well, I have quite the awesome spiky hair now.</div>
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My running also keeps getting better!! I'm down to 9 min/mile now (outside) instead of 13 min/mile. And I've been doing 3-3.5 miles everyday. I am sooooo glad I can finally run outside. I hope it doesn't get cold and icky again because running on the treadmill is bad for my brain. </div>
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Saturday night Sterling and I went on a date. We got free fish tacos at Rubios (I love coupons) and went to the Dollar Tree in search of something fun to do. We ended up with some modeling clay! These are our lovely creations:</div>
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<img height="200" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-mHJ2XfhaJRk/UQbsJ4LONyI/AAAAAAAAC8s/cQN7wc_MtwE/s200/IMG_0095.JPG" width="150" /><img height="200" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-tOplFvlIUDw/UQbsb4uqWmI/AAAAAAAAC80/cvzsmdkKm_U/s200/IMG_0100.JPG" width="150" /><img height="200" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-d47w1MK0UI0/UQbseV-MzqI/AAAAAAAAC84/1marL_r9Idk/s200/IMG_0104.JPG" width="150" /></div>
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For some reason Sterling didn't really want me to get this though:</div>
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<img src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-vHSsuFzFgHU/UQbr1bZE43I/AAAAAAAAC8k/w6iDkFiv8ZY/s341/IMG_0092.JPG" /> I thought it was cool :)</div>
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Today I had a celebratory lunch with my aunts and older cousins and my mom at Macaroni Grill. Our waitress was so awesome. She saw we were celebrating something because I had a gift so she asked what we were celebrating and I told her we were celebrating that I don't have cancer anymore. So she let me choose ANY dessert on the menu: full size, for free and she sang opera for us. She was a dang good singer. Macaroni Gill rocks for giving me delicious chocolate cake (which made me feel sick but was totally worth it). Thank you miss waitress, I wish I knew your name because I'd call and tell your manager you should get a prize for being so nice.</div>
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Now that I don't have cancer I'm sure these posts will get quite boring to people, but since this has basically become my journal you can still expect updates.</div>
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rawr.</div>
Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-49016635871950263452013-01-23T16:54:00.000-07:002013-01-23T16:54:00.305-07:00Dancing with NED<div class="tr_bq">
Well the doctors have said I am NED! Ned means No Evidence of Disease. Woooo! Seems so crazy after almost 7 months of having cancer to be rid of it. Now the plan is just continue on the Avastin every 3 weeks. It is a short (30 minute) IV infusions at the Huntsman. I will meet with my surgeon every 3 months for 2 years and then after that every 6 months for 3 more years and then hopefully only once a year forever. </div>
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I woke up this morning to this beautiful sunrise. I guess the smog is good for something! I don't know why, but the sunrise was so pretty and it really made me feel like it was the beginning not only of a new day, but of a new part of my life :)<br />
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I found this quote the other day and it says what I feel about running so perfectly I had to share.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1358869195012_2701"><span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1358869195012_2700">Truly, I love running. It's who I am. It's a part of me. Even if I can only run for 10 minutes, I feel whole and happy. And if everything else is falling to pieces, I go for a run, and I feel like things are going to be okay.</span></span></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1358869195012_2699"><span id="yui_3_7_2_1_1358869195012_2698">--Johanna Olson, Olympic Marathon Trials runner who died of brain cancer at the age of 33</span></span> </span></span></blockquote>
I seriously love running. Not being able to run and then being able to only do a pathetic jog intermixed with lots of walking has really been hard for me. I am starting to be able to run a little better; a little longer with less breaks and sometimes even a little faster. It has definitely been something I've had to adjust to and deal with. People think that now I'm done with chemo I am all better and normal. My life is still definitely not normal. It will never go back to how it was before. I probably won't feel really recovered until I can actually run again like I used to. And who knows if that will even happen! It is definitely an adjustment going back to "normalcy". But I am excited to be able to move on with my life a little. It was nice to have Monday free this week and not spend it at the Huntsman (even though I am here now on Wednesday).<br />
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Yesterday my friend Aimee came over with her super cute 6 month old! Aimee and I have known each other since FIRST grade. How cool is that? It was fun visiting with her and even fun playing with Eliza. She is the cutest tiniest little person. I hope that my babies are as cute and tiny as her. And she didn't even cry when I held her. Most babies really hate me. Seriously. It made me feel happy that she let me play with her.<br />
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I forgot to write that Saturday I went night skiing with Sterling and my sis-in-law Ashlynn and our two Australian friends Kaila and Sierra. It was fun and not too terribly cold and really nice to get out of the nasty smog. I snowboarded instead of skiied because I hardly ever board and thought it would be better for the icy night conditions. Unfortunately the very first run I felt right on my tailbone soooooooooo hard I couldn't even move for a second. It still hurts. A lot. Otherwise it was pretty fun :)<br />
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Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-60811855436113791412013-01-21T15:54:00.002-07:002013-01-21T15:54:44.358-07:00The Waiting GameFriday I got my CT scan. At quarter to 5 I had to start drinking the <i>delicious</i> "berry smoothie" dye they provided me with. It has the consistency of glue and after the first swallow tastes like it too. It is awful! I had to drink 2 huge containers of it. Blgh.<br />
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After I was exploding with the lovely stuff the nurse finally came out to the waiting room to get me. I laid down on the slab and she connected the iodine dye to my port. The iodine dye is the stuff that makes you feel all hot and weird inside like you have lava coursing through your veins. The nurse left the room and went back to the controls to start the scan. She did the first half and then said "okay, here comes the iodine" and suddenly I felt a freezing cold wet feeling on my head the was quickly trickling down my neck and back. About a minute went by and the nurse comes out "Did you get all hot and tingly" "Um no, I think it leaked all over me!" And so it did. I sat up and had the dye all in my hair and down my back. Luckily it is a clear liquid, but unfortunately it is <i>extremely</i> sticky. We're talking like corn syrup sticky. The nurse felt really bad and gave me a washcloth to try and get it out of my hair and off my skin. I laid back down and she connected me again, this time making sure the tubes were all on securely and we tried it again. This time when she pressed the dye it worked. But since it was going through my port it felt incredibly weird. And it made me severely nauseous. I almost sat up and ran to the trash can to puke, but the feeling subsided in time. I liked the iodine through an IV better. Through my port it just made my core all hot and weird and was a really sickening feeling. </div>
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So that was my experience getting a CT scan this time. Now I have just been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. For Wednesday to come so I can meet with my doctors and hopefully hear good news!<br />
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I also got the necklace from my mom that she got me as my chemo grad present. It is super cute! You know all those pins you see on Pinterest "send your handwriting here and they will turn it into jewelry for you". Well the lady my mom ordered from, <a href="http://www.laurennicolegifts.com/">Lauren Nicole</a>, did that exact thing!! Sooooo cool. She wrote "courage" on the front of a heart pendant and "love, mom" on the back in my mom's handwriting. There was also a monkey stamped pendant (I love monkeys) and a teal bead. Lauren wasn't sure which color teal my mom wanted so she included two different ones just in case. It was really sweet. If you ever want to give a personalized gift to somebody I would definitely recommend her jewelry. My mom said she is really great to work with. And her jewelry is really cute!<br />
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Well, can't wait till Wednesday! Check back for the results!Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-38780734302493456812013-01-17T18:26:00.001-07:002013-01-17T18:26:20.657-07:00Of Work and Puppies and ThingsMonday Sterling was finally offered a job! It was some of the best news I have ever heard. He started on Wednesday and so far has really enjoyed it. He is the Marketing Professional for <a href="http://www.thereadystore.com/">The Ready Store</a>. He gets to do all the PPC (pay per click), affiliate marketing, email, catalog, etc. etc. business words blah blah. But it's a real grown up job like with a salary. Cool huh!<div>
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To celebrate we went on a date on Tuesday, our last day together before work started. I saw a flyer for a "create your own superhero" activity at the Huntsman Center so I made Sterling agree to go. It was actually pretty fun. Mostly just the artist in residence guy gave a little power point about superheroes and told us to create our own and set us loose. So we each drew and colored our own superheroes. It was fun being with other cancer patients and drawing. I love to color. </div>
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Here are our finished products (well Sterling's wasn't quite done at this point):</div>
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My superhero is this awesome chick named Woman of sTEAL. Teal because that is the ovarian cancer color and steel as in strong metal. I had to explain that to the artist in residence because he thought we were spelling "steel" wrong on accident :) She radiates strength. Her hair is made of steel. Her motto was supposed to be "Cancer killer, chemo conqueror" but I wrote it wrong on my paper. Her monkey sidekick is for comic relief, he can always make people laugh. Sterling's superhero doesn't have a name yet. But he is strong as steel and he can fly. He's still a work in progress :)</div>
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After our fun coloring activity that I can't believe Sterling agreed to go to, we went to dinner at Red Lobster. Thank you mom for the gift cards so we could have a nice date. </div>
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Today I decided to go crazy with my hair. I'm getting tired of the comb-over [boy] missionary parted hair style so I tried out the crazy spiky look. It was pretty fun. Here is my awesome photo shoot with myself. I am such a nerd. I know. And I don't even think you can tell how awesome my hair is haha.</div>
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<img height="299" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-gUVABIq4MGM/UPiHamPs_UI/AAAAAAAAC2g/hLhWK8c-x58/s400/IMG_0046.JPG" width="400" /><img height="300" src="https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-ajzBg4uWdAM/UPiHlKtjjXI/AAAAAAAAC2o/exUFAlCGkVc/s400/IMG_0050.JPG" width="400" /></div>
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Aww cute Koda was such a poser by me! My eyebrows and eyelashes are basically gone but for some reason the hair on my head keeps slowly growing! I love it.</div>
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Also, I will probably write a whole post on it, but my mom and I are doing the<a href="http://www.bccutah.org/lrrh"> Little Red Riding Hood</a> bike ride again this year! Last year I did it a day and a half after I found out I had cancer and completed all 80 miles. We want to do 80 miles again. And this year is going to be really special because we want to ride as part of the Huntsman Hometown Heroes. It is a non-profit organization that does this ride and as a stipulation to ride on their team you have to commit to raise at least $750 for cancer research. All the money goes directly to the Hunstman Center for breast and ovarian cancer research. I really hope we can get it because it would mean a lot to me to 1. support cancer research and 2. do what I love with a group that supports me as a cancer survivor.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and mom at Little Red last year, right after I found out I had cancer</td></tr>
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My mom and I have set up two fundraising links so if you want to donate to cancer research for us, please do it! Here are the links you can do it through. It is tax deductible since it is for a non-profit organization. They give you all the tax info you need when you donate.</div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://littlered.kintera.org/womenofsteal">http://littlered.kintera.org/womenofsteal</a><span style="font-size: 12px;"> or </span></span></div>
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Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-2010668473531379872013-01-14T15:41:00.000-07:002013-01-14T21:08:00.181-07:00Consumer Electronic ShowLast week I had the opportunity to go to the Consumer Electronic Show in Las Vegas with my dad, brother and husband. It was pretty fun! The best part was getting to see the sun and having two days at 60 degrees instead of the 10 here in Utah.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I was really proud of myself this day, I ran 32 minutes straight with NO breaks!!! Of course it only happened one day, but I was excited.</td></tr>
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We saw tons of way cool things and I can't remember half of them. I liked some of the cool touch screen stuff, the cool smart home features and some odd knick knack thingies. There was tons of waterproof stuff, a bajillion iPhone cases, and tons of sport action cameras (like Go Pro stuff). There was a cool nail machine that had hundreds of different designs and could even take a picture and print it right on your nail. Like if you wanted a picture of Zac Efron you could bring a picture and it would print him on your nails. Manicures just got more customizable and quicker!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The boys' favorite thing was playing games</td></tr>
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There was this really cool bike guy that did sweet stunts. I forgot the name of the sport.</div>
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The best things were the amazing comfy bed and massage chair. Granted we got to those at the end of the second day when we were all soooooo exhausted, but that was the BEST massage chair I have EVER sat in. And the bed? If I had $8,000 I would definitely buy it.<br />
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This is my next car...</div>
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We also went downtown Las Vegas the last night we were there. We got tired at the show walking around and everything started looking same anyway. So we went to the new Fremont street that they've tried to make all nice. We walked by the Heart Attack Diner where you eat free if you weigh over 350 pounds! SICK. Me, my dad and my 6'0" tall brother barely made the cut!<br />
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We also got to go to the Gold and Silver Pawn Shop where they film Pawn Stars! When we first got there they were filming the show so the store was closed and that's when we went by the Heart Attack Diner. We came back to the pawn shop and were allowed in while they finished filming with the "specialist". It was way cool. You might even get to see our butts on a future Pawn Stars episode.</div>
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It was really fun to get away and celebrate being done with chemo. I have my CT scan on Friday (it got rescheduled). I hope warmer weather is headed here soon! I tried running outside on Saturday and it made me soooo sick because it was just way too cold, even though I dressed plenty warm. I have been running though! It has been fun. I really wish I had a gym pass cuz the Clegg's treadmill is old freakin' school. Like dinosaur age treadmill.<br />
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Oh and I<i> really</i> want to be on the cover of Runner's World someday. I have added it to my life-long goal list. I figure if I put my desire on my blog someone somewhere might have a connection to help me out :)Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-52870807616857111212013-01-07T13:13:00.001-07:002013-01-09T09:18:38.161-07:00THE END.<br />
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THE END OF CHEMO! And the beginning of the next chapter of life. I can't believe today is the last day of chemo, hopefully ever! I have made it through 18 treatments and 2 major surgeries. I've lost my hair, twice. And I've experienced life in a whole new way. I must say, there are a few things that I will not be missing. That includes: having no eyebrows, having no nose hairs, nose bleeds at least once a day, chronic sore throat, feeling out of shape <i>all</i> the time, short/no hair, constant worry about getting sick, and the Benadryl induced comas. I will however miss some things like: getting to spend every Monday with my mom all day including going out to lunch and gettin' our nails did, all the friends I've met at chemo, and having an excuse for why I can't get out of bed before 9am.<br />
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I've heard it takes about a month for the side effects of the chemo to truly wear off so I get at least 4 more weeks of sleeping in :) Ha jk, but seriously. I used to be a 7am kind of girl and now it feels like the middle of the night waking up any time before nine. I am looking forward to getting a little more energy. I mean I've had quite a bit for someone going through chemo, but running is killing me. I get slower and slower and I never feel like I'm getting more in shape. At least when a normal out of shape person starts working out they slowly get better and it slowly gets easier. For me I started exercising as soon as I could after surgery but it just got harder and harder. It has been really hard for me actually. Emotionally I mean.<br />
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Seeing this awesome therapy dog today was not hard though. He was so big and nice and soft and nice and I love him!!!!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My friend Michelle. She has been doing chemo for 2 years and doesn't know when/if she'll ever get to be done :( She is the cutest little lady.</td></tr>
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Lately, I have heard a lot of people say "2012 was such a horrible year, I am so glad it's over" or "2012 really sucked, hope 2013 is better". I guess I could say that. But honestly, 2012 was not a horrible year. It didn't suck and I don't wish for it to be any different (well, I mean it'd be great to not have cancer, but I do so no sense in wishing it away now). I had a really great past year. Lots of good things happened. Lots of great things happened. I grew and learned so much and had a lot of opportunities to reach out to others and meet new people. Although I had a lot of hard things happen in 2012, overall it was good. I competed in my last season as a collegiate athlete. I graduated from college. I survived 2 awful surgeries and 17 weeks of chemotherapy (the 18th week being in 2013). I got to reconnect with a few friends and spend a lot of time with both friends and family. I got to read lots of books, take lots of naps, and get so many needles poked in me they don't phase me at all anymore.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The nurses all sang to me! And gave me a certificate and blanket. It was so awesome.</td></tr>
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I am so excited to be a chemo grad. I know I may possibly have to experience it again in the future, but I hope it isn't for a long time. I definitely will miss my mommy-daughter dates, but maybe we can start a new more fun Monday tradition. As much fun as sitting in the hospital for hours was, I bet we can find a more exciting past time to enjoy together.<br />
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My mom got me this way cute necklace! The heart on mine says "courage" and the bead is teal, for ovarian cancer. Cute!! I have the greatest mom.<br />
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My journey isn't over. It has really hardly begun. I have so much ahead of me!<br />
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Joy in the journey. Joy in every moment. Find it.<br />
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Yes, I used to love Miley Cyrus before she went off the deep end.Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-16143878522692249492013-01-06T16:05:00.002-07:002013-01-06T16:19:34.785-07:00Rapunzel.<div>
I was just watching Tangled and this scene seemed relevant to my life :)</div>
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<i>"Well that's the good part I guess, you get to go find a new dream"</i></div>
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This is what someone looks like who is finishing chemo tomorrow. And don't worry, tomorrow's post will be much longer. I've got lots to say!</div>
Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6258387769380178639.post-88105242924263214482013-01-02T12:48:00.001-07:002013-01-02T17:37:22.682-07:00Every MomentLast week I was kind of having a hard time. I was feeling grumpy and frustrated. Sunday I finally realized that I had forgotten all the advice and things that have kept me so upbeat and happy this whole time. The one thing that has helped me the most by far, is to live in the moment. The past is over and can't be changed, the future isn't here yet. All we have is right now. I had been really focusing on and thinking about my last ever treatment and it was starting to make me unhappy with the present. As soon as I was reminded of that, my day got better and I was much happier.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Who knows why I am standing so awkwardly</td></tr>
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I have had a great week this week. Treatment on New Year's Eve went well and it was really short! We got there at 8 and I was done by 10:40. They are never that fast! It was nice. And now I have ONE TREATMENT LEFT!!!! Holy smokes it's so great! I am really looking forward to it :) But, I am enjoying the time I have before then too. Here is the plan for the future though. My last chemotherapy treatment is Monday the 7th. After that I will still be going to the Huntsman Center every 3 weeks on Monday for my maintenance drug, Avastin, starting on the 14th (so I won't have a Monday off between my last chemo treatment and the Avastin treatment). But luckily Avastin is only a 30 minute IV and I don't have to get any yucky pre-drugs like stupid Benadryl and Dexamethasone and I don't have to get blood labs every time. So I won't have to spend all day at the hospital anymore! On January 16th I have a PET scan and I meet with the doctors on the 23rd to discuss the results. Then I'm going to have a real true party.<br />
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New Year's Eve was really fun. I got to have my "Basically End of Chemo" party with my family and some friends. We played Bunko which is a fun dice game and had pizza. Then I got out my cake and everybody sang congratulations to me on my request. And I blew out candles so I could make a wish. Cesia made us all poppers filled with confetti and candy and cool things.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is Kaila. She is from Australia! My mother-in-law met her at the store before Christmas and invited her and her sister over for dinner last Sunday because Ashlynn is going to Australia on her mission. Then I invited them over for New Year's. She's really cool.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My adorable cousins; showing off our rings we got in our poppers</td></tr>
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I have to tell the cool story about my cake. A lady contacted me a few weeks ago and told me that she reads my blog and saw that I really wanted an Eleanor's gluten free cake to celebrate my chemo graduation. So she called <a href="http://www.eleanorsbakeshop.com/">Eleanor's</a> and made arrangements with them to give me a cake. How amazing is that? People are so incredible. I have been so astonished and humbled at the love and support people have given to me. People who don't even know me, like this lady. Thank you thank you thank you! The cake was DELICIOUS! Seriously yummy. Even my gluten free haters liked it. And it really made me feel special to have a chemo grad cake :) I know its dumb but I wanted to make a big deal of me finishing chemo because it is a big deal! After my treatment on Monday I will have had 18 weeks of chemo treatments. That is a lot! It is definitely something to celebrate. And when I am declared "No Evidence of Disease" (NED) I will have an even bigger party.<br />
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Yesterday I tried running again. This time on the dreadmill, I mean treadmill. It was fun and good to exercise. I really need to be more active, I feel much better when I am. I just am now so slow and so out of shape it is hard! But I now know how the rest of the world feels when they are trying to start running, so now I can have more understanding and compassion. One of my goals for this new year is to be able to run a sub-20 minute 5k again by the end of the year. Looking at my pace from yesterday that is going to be one tough goal to get haha.<br />
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Well, here's to a new year! A new beginning, a new chapter in my life.Kalina Zufelthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01124607137311933935noreply@blogger.com3