I Am Lovely

I've debated sharing this for a really long time....but I think it's time.


I love the lyrics in this song-- I feel lovely just the way that I am

In a way, this post is a love letter to myself. A lot of people might think I have the best self-esteem in the world. I mean, I have everything going for me so of course I think I'm great, right? Not always so. I've battled body image issues since high school. At times it has been worse than others. Particularly my last two years of college. I was married and a highly competitive college athlete (which alone spells disaster for body image problems). I got really sick for a while and dropped a ton of weight. Then it went to my head. I loved it. And then since I was working out so much and so hard, the weight stayed off even when I got better and started eating gluten free. Also, I think subconsciously I knew I wasn't as happily married as I thought I was. Obviously I didn't see it at the time. But as time wore on, the view I had of myself became more and more warped. I was freaking out when I started to gain weight my senior year of college (Spring 2012). Then I was diagnosed with cancer. They removed 3 huge tumors and I was in the hospital for 9 days not eating anything because I was so sick. I dropped all that weight again. It was great. Then I found out about my husband's infidelity. Now I am NOT blaming him for my eating disorder or my body image problems. To his credit he tried to do all he could to make me like my body. However, hating myself and my body became the way I dealt with the problems and stress in my life. I was happy in every other way. I was dealing with cancer and treatment and making the most of life. I was working through marital problems best I could. But my body became the thing I took out my stress and anger on. It got to the point that I couldn't think about anything else except how fat my legs were and how skinny every other girl's legs looked. I let it consume me. I tried everything I could to be anorexic (now I say try because 1. I love food 2. I love to run 3. You can't run well on no food and 4. I have very little willpower). I tried everything I could to be bulimic. [Un]Fortunately, I guess I have been blessed with a gag reflex of steel because not a thing in the world could make me throw up (except being in the hospital for 9 days).

I hated myself. Literally. It was terrible. Finally, I broke away from the unhappy situation I was in. I moved home. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I didn't have to deal with anything. I had a broken heart and time on my hands. My family embraced me. I did things with them. I did things with my girlfriends. And most importantly I went to cancer camp. I had friends who loved me more than I've ever had a friend love me. They loved me because of my smile, my happy attitude, my love for life and adventure. And suddenly my body wasn't me. I was me. My character was me. It didn't matter what I looked like or where I came from.

It's still taken time, I still would love to have skinnier legs (and no, no matter what you tell me, your words cannot change my perception of myself). See that's the problem with having a body image disorder, it doesn't matter what people think or say to you. Every person in the world could have told me I was the prettiest, skinniest girl they knew and it wouldn't have changed my view of myself. It's hard because when I felt that way, I wanted everyone to look at me and think "wow, she's so skinny" and yet I wouldn't believe it if someone told me. Or if I did hear it, I would force myself to fulfill that expectation and it would just perpetuate a vicious cycle. I had someone tell me "wow, you've really gained a lot of weight haven't you?" It just about killed me. I knew they meant that I didn't look sick from chemo anymore. But my brain heard those words as "you are a huge fat whale. FAT FAT FAT".

In our world today, hearing about one's body is inevitable. It's nice to hear someone say you have a nice body or nice legs or you are pretty or whatever. Everyone likes those compliments. No one likes "you've put on some weight, you're looking good" no matter how kind the intent is behind it. Well I bet some people do like that actually. I don't. At all.

I don't know exactly what has happened that has helped me love myself. I think a lot of has to do with getting out of a destructive and loveless relationship.(Like I said before, it wasn't his fault. My own problems were just exacerbated by the problems in my life). A lot of it is that I'm not competing as a college athlete in a situation where my body is everything; where you constantly compare yourself to every girl that is faster and come to the conclusion that if you were just a few pounds skinner you'd be able to shave an extra 10 seconds off your mile. A lot of it is that I have learned to be independent again. I'm not relying on someone else to make me happy. You can never rely on someone else to provide for your happiness. Especially in a marriage relationship. You HAVE to be happy all by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. A spouse should add to your happiness. Not create it.

For whatever reason, for the first time in my life, what other people think of me doesn't affect how happy I am. This is why we have trials. This is why you hear cliche phrases like "trials are blessings in disguise", "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God gives us trials in order for us to become more like Him". Everyone has to learn to stand on their own feet no matter how many times the storm knocks you down. That's why every person's storm is different. We each have to go through the storm that will teach us the lessons we personally need to learn and that we couldn't learn any other way.

What inspired me to finally admit and talk about my struggle? I looked in my swimsuit drawer today and saw my old bikinis (yep, sorry I am very immodest. Judge away). When I had surgery I thought I would never wear them again. When I had my second surgery I KNEW I would never wear them again. My stomach was hideous. It was lumpy and misshapen with a weirdo belly button and a huge nasty scar. But today I looked at those skimpy pieces of clothing in my drawer and I pulled them out. I tried them on. I looked in the mirror. And I didn't hate what I saw. I didn't see a nasty hideous stomach. I still saw just me. Just little old me who is the same no matter what I'm wearing. (Of course time has smoothed out my weird lumps and bumps and my belly button has gotten a little more normal so that helps :) haha). Just to try and give you an idea of the extent of how much I hated my scar and my stomach, I have to admit that I chewed out my surgeon for making me so ugly. Like literally. I told him, "you did a terrible job on my scar. Why couldn't you have made me less bumpy with a prettier belly button. I need plastic surgery to fix it". He replied "well that wasn't very nice" and immediately I felt like the meanest most horrible person in the world. Because I had been planning that retort for months. And I thought for sure I'd be getting plastic surgery. Can you believe how vain I am?

I never ever thought in a million years I would let people look at my stomach. Remember this first picture from my first surgery? It was a battle scar I was proud of. Now, more than a year later I am ready to show off my second battle scar. Because this scar is proof that I survived something crazy. This picture is proof to myself that I am okay.

#1

#2

So, Self: You are awesome. Your life is great. Your Father in Heaven LOVES you. He's given you so many trials because He knows that you can be great and He wants to help you get there.

I know this is the exact same quote as the cat/lion one, but this picture is so dang adorable!

A few people I've gained inspiration from:
This article: http://www.beautyredefined.net/to-the-mom-who-taught-me-everything-a-body-image-breakthrough/
Lindsey Stirling: this interview in particular. Also watch her "I'm a Mormon" video on the sidebar of the article
Andrea Bolles: she gave a short talk in relief society one night about overcoming an eating disorder and now she's started this cool blog, Creating a Life I Love
And a few others I won't mention because I think I might embarrass people.

Oh holy crap, I just realized.....Today, January 7 is exactly ONE YEAR since my LAST CHEMOTHERAPY treatment!!!! Oh my gosh that is the craziest thing ever!!! HAPPY CHEMOVERSARY TO ME!!!!!!!

Note: I've been very hesitant about sharing this very personal struggle of mine, in part because I don't want people to comment things like "Oh Kalina you are so beautiful and skinny, I wish I could be you" or whatever silly something someone might say. I don't want my family to make comments to me about my body. Any of my family. But I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with body image. I think every girl to some degree deals with it every day. I think admitting this so publicly is a huge step in overcoming it. At times when I am really struggling I want to be able to look back and be able to read this and remind myself that it is possible to not be consumed by the desire to be thin.

Wanna Know a Secret?

Wanna know a secret? Life rocks. Like really rocks. I love my life. I loved summer. I love fall. I love traveling. I love crafts and running and being outside and the mountains and my dog and my friends and my family.

Frolicking. I love crunching leaves.

I've been busy living the past couple months which is why its been over two months since I last posted! I mean with Instagram and Facebook these days most people have a day to day update of my life. But those social media platforms are not the place for sharing feelings and in depth details so, for my future posterity's sake, I am going to update this public journal of mine (because yes I do believe my children will read my blog someday and see how awesome and amazing and fun I am....hahahaha. Insert funny meme here).

Rainbows are one of my favorite things in this world. Last summer I was having a REALLY hard day. I prayed for help and strength and courage and peace and when I looked up there was one of the brightest rainbows I've ever seen. And the most peaceful, warm feeling enveloped me like a hug and since then rainbows have been very special in my life. This particular rainbow is from hiking King's Peak in September/

Summer was amazing. I worked a lot but I also played a lot. I got really into rock climbing. I LOVE to boulder. I even am getting kind of good at it! I mean for a beginner anyway. I got to hike King's Peak, the highest peak in Utah which was super awesome!!! It was so much fun and I realized that I love backpacking. A lot. I also realized that all the outdoor things I love to do are extremely expensive because you have to get all sorts of gear and such! How lame. I am still working at Zion's as a teller which even though it sounds like a lame dumb job is really fun. I get to meet and talk to all sorts of crazy and interesting people. I love it. I love the sweet elderly people that come in and want to stay and talk to me forever because they are probably lonely and going to the bank is their social interaction for the day.

I recently got back from a five day trip to New York. First of all, I am a mountain girl. I would die without them. But there is something about New York City that I absolutely love. I could definitely live there and be a real city girl. For like a year probably. It's my favorite favorite big city. But I actually spent most of the time in upstate New York in the teeny tiny town of Chestertown. It was SO incredibly beautiful I can't even describe. Every single time my eyes were open my breath was taken away at the beauty of my surroundings. Like dang, Heavenly Father is the most incredible artist there has ever been. Obviously. But still. It amazes me. I was a bridesmaid in a long-time (since middle school) friend's wedding. It was so fun! I got to wear a super cute dress and walk down the aisle and see her and meet a ton of new friends and cool people. 

Forgive me, its a selfie while I was running.

Is it ridiculous that I feel extremely overwhelmed and sad that there are so many amazing and cool people in this world that I will never get to meet? I met lots of awesome people and friends at the wedding that I would have never met without it and I realized that there are so many incredible people that I'd love to meet and might not ever get to! That's why I might have to become a hippie bum traveler. A new age nomad. "Hold me fast cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer" [lyrics from one of my favorite bands, Mumford & Sons]

I felt like a real grown-up traveling all by myself. Especially on the last day when I got to wander NYC alone. I went to my favorite gluten-free bakery, my favorite dessert place, ate lunch in central park, and of course wandered aimlessly around times square area....checking out cheap clothes. And of course I spent a while in a bookstore. Sorry for my Facebook friends that have already seen all these pictures....but I had to put them on the blog too!

Cancer......its a funny thing. People ask me all the time, "so....like....is it gone now? Like, are you good?" Well, I mean, yes, there is no evidence of cancer in my body but is cancer really ever gone? I don't feel that I can just walk around saying, "I don't have cancer" because I think I'll always "have" it. Cancer isn't something that just goes away. Maybe the dumb little cells that multiply and destroy the insides of your body will stop growing, but the side effects and the doctors visits and the small voice of worry that you pretend isn't there never go away. Especially since I'm still finishing up my maintenance/preventative drug Avastin, I don't feel like I'm done with the whole cancer thing. I still go to the hospital every three weeks. I still sit there for at least an hour, hooked up to an IV tower. I still see my doctors. I still have cancer friends. My mom is trying to get me into a clinical trial that is working on developing a vaccine-like treatment. I would travel to either Dallas, TX or Buffalo, NY once a month to get the drug. So is my cancer gone? No. It's not. It never will be. It will always be a part of me. There's a lot of long-term side effects to chemo that nobody thinks about. Being done with chemotherapy doesn't mean everything is happy daisies and rainbows and you are a normal healthy person all the sudden. Fortunately for me, I am very healthy and happy and have very minimal lasting side effects. Some of my friends aren't so lucky. It's just something we cancer people deal with that others don't understand. I think that's my point of this rambling--to maybe help others understand that cancer isn't like a broken bone. It's not something that heals and then goes away and is something you remember when trying to think of a good story to tell. Maybe in twenty years I'll feel differently, who knows?

Banana man....this is my friend Dov that I've mentioned a few times here on the blog. He is the ultimate example of bravery, courage and humor when it comes to dealing with life, and cancer in particular. Talk about never ending, he's been in treatment for six years. This is his way of dealing with it. Not only does it help lighten things up for him, it really inspires and helps other people. He gets nervous on scan days so naturally dressing up as a sexy banana makes it easier to handle :)

I only have three treatments left though! My last treatment is scheduled for December 10th :) And sometime after that I will get my port taken out! I think I might miss my little Gouda buddy. I've gotten so used to having it now that its going to be sad to take it out. I mean like just a little sad. 

So the next thing on my bucket list that I'd like to do is fly to the cheapest destination that is offered for the weekend. Just randomly pick up and go. My next weekend off I'm going to do it. Not sure how you search for "cheapest airline ticket right this second" but I'm going to figure it out. Even if I end up somewhere random like the middle of Kansas. Won't that be fun! 

I found this song on Pandora a while ago and fell in love! One day I wanted to listen to it, so naturally I searched for it on Youtube. Turns out its the cutest Youtube video in world history and now I'm even more in love! I had to share. If at least only for my Camp friends to enjoy :)

Also, this quote from general conference gave me real hope in the boys of this world. Love like this must exist somewhere. Can you imagine a love like this?

I realized as I've been working and meeting lots of people that there are quite a few angry people in this world. I think I have a lot of legitimate reasons to be a pretty angry person. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I was truly angry. Annoyed yes. Bugged yes. Indignant once. But like blow up-yelling-wanting-to-punch-something angry? Nah. Not my style. I have a forgiving disposition. And man is my life so much the better for it. It's a lifestyle I think more people should adopt. To the lady that got F-word-in-my-face angry at me at the bank for miscounting her money....I'm really really sorry. It was an accident. I'm not a money counting robot. If only you knew what has gone on behind my fohawk and name tag. And if only I knew what you were going through. Then maybe we'd have more compassion and kindness to each other.

I think that if I could have one sentence said about me on my headstone it'd be that because of me, someone didn't give up. I hope that I can be a tool in God's hands to inspire others. Even just a tiny bit. Even just one person. Then everything I've been though, the cancer, and the getting un=married thing, then it would be worth it. Actually, I think it already has been worth it. I understand life and God's plan and feel His love more than I ever could have without my experiences.

I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.

Loon Lake, New York

Salt Lake City, UT

Lastly, (for now), I learned how to use a chainsaw and an axe recently! I'm not very good with an axe so I'm crossing axe murderer off my list of possible career choices, but I was quite decent with a chainsaw so chainsaw massacre-ist is still in the running. If only I had a picture of these monumentous events of my life.

Till next time, au revoir. Peace love and happiness. 

I dare you to do something brave today.

Life Ain't All That Bad

You think your life is awesome and good and going really great. And then out of no where something really crappy and hard happens and life kind of sucks for a while, and then all the sudden, life is better than you ever imagined and you have suddenly grown a lot and become a new person. Its the one thing you can count on in life....this cycle of happiness and trials and greater happiness and harder trials. I've definitely been through a few in the past year. But right now life is super awesome :) I'd forgotten how happy I could be! I mean I thought I was happy, but now, I am so happy and just love life! I have so many blessings. It's amazing to know myself again. I definitely lost who I was for a while. I've found myself again.

I haven't written a blog in such a long time because I really just didn't have anything to write about! I'm just living a normal boring life these days. I work at Zion's bank as a teller, which is pretty fun as far as working goes (I just wish I could be rich and play and take adventures and never have to work haha). And besides that I hang out with friends and go running and rock climbing and boating and such. I don't have a lot of pictures to share, but I will put up what I have.

I was inspired to write a blog tonight because I had treatment today. It was a lot of fun. I know it sounds silly, but I think I am going to kind of miss going to the infusion center once or twice a month. I love the nurses there and I love talking to the patients and making people happy when they feel miserable. I brought some candy today because the last few treatments I've gone and just read to myself and haven't visited with people like I used to. So today I brought candy so I could have an excuse to walk around and talk to people. Everyone was excited to have candy or at least excited to have someone come over and smile at them so big and tell them to have a fun awesome day :) One lady come up to me after I'd sat back down and began to cry and told me thank you so much for having such a bright positive attitude and that I really made her day. I loved it. I love things like that. It makes me so happy to see that I can make others happy. I also made a new friend today!! Her name is Tami and she has colon cancer and has been going through treatment for THREE AND A HALF YEARS!!!!!! Oh my gosh. I can't even imagine how draining that would be. It would be so incredibly emotionally and mentally draining not to mention physically. She was so much fun to talk to, I love making chemo friends. We talked about how much different cancer patients view life and how stupid petty things don't matter anymore. She was talking about how she had to deal with drama at work and how it just seemed so ridiculous to her when she was just grateful that she even could come to work. I have definitely become a lot more loving and understanding towards others.

As I was driving home I was admiring the mountains and thinking how much I LOVE our mountains here in Utah. When I get to a lookout point on a trail run, I can't help but stop and take in the view. The top of a mountain I have just climbed is probably one of my favorite places to be/see. The view from a mountain that you have just hiked or climbed or ran is soooo much more gorgeous than a view that you get from driving to a lookout point or something. Even if they are the exact same view, you appreciate the grandeur much more when you have accomplished something to get there. It is the same in life. I appreciate things so much more than I ever have before. I'm glad that God knows what he is doing with me. He definitely has got an amazing plan in store for me. I would never have chosen this path for myself, but I'm glad he knew better than me :) Why is it that parents always know best? 

Some pictures from the Teton mountains in Idaho. We spent a weekend there in July for the Bossard family reunion. I love my family. We are so awesome. We went river rafting, hiking and did a mud run 5k at our family reunion. Way cooler than the average family!

People always ask how I'm feeling. Even now, even seven months out of chemotherapy. No offense, but it seems like a silly question to me. I also don't really like when people tell me "Wow, you look so good!" As if I'm supposed to look like a sick weak person just because I had cancer? I know I know that no one means it like that and I don't really get offended, but I do get tired of hearing that. So....just tell me that you like my hair or just don't comment on how I look :) And if you do, I'll forgive you and know that you just care about me and are happy to see me looking healthy and not like a cancer zombie dead sick person.

But....to answer how I'm feeling since everyone always asks me, I feel great and normal like a normal person. I am not back to 100% myself yet, but I am comparing my 100% to when I was a collegiate athlete, so obviously I still have a way to go. I am still weak, but I've been rock climbing and slowly, very very slowly, I am getting a little stronger. My endurance has vastly improved this last month! I have been doing 9 mile runs about once or twice a week and one day I did a 10.5 mile run at an 8:15/mile pace!!! It was amazing and so fun. I still would like to get faster, but I know it will come in time. My goal is to get back to a 18:30 5k by next year sometime :) I would be sooooo happy if I could do that. On the 24th of July I did the Deseret News 10k. It has been a tradition for me to do it ever year with my dad since I was 12. I've only missed one or two years. Last year I couldn't do it because I was still recovering from surgery. This year I ran it in 42:40 :) I was so happy. I obliterated my goal of 45 minutes. I didn't really know what to expect because I haven't really had a real race since over a year ago. So it was very encouraging and exciting.

Me and my friend Joey Plaskett. It was his first 10k ever and he ran it in 38 minutes! An awesome training partner, he's definitely made me faster and helped me push myself again.

Here's some more pictures from the family reunion. We wore hula skirts and leis for the mud run 5k. It was a great idea. Until we had to swim through a river, jump over fire and army crawl through the mud. Then I was cursing that stupid skirt and how heavy it was all wet and muddy and I couldn't get it off! But it was an awesome race. Plus, I was the first girl to finish so I got this AMAZING trophy straight from Africa! Because the money they raise goes to orphans around the world and the race directors picked up these cool little statues last time they were in Africa helping the orphans. It was definitely the coolest prizes I have ever won.

Inside the cave at the top of the mountain we hiked to. It got pretty narrow and it was FREEZING inside. Like 32 degrees. There was ice. Brrrr.

One of my best friends from camp had to go to MD Anderson in Houston for a scan and possible surgery about a month ago. She was nervous because this is a recurrence of her cancer. I made her a care package and I was so excited to send it :) You know those presents you just can't wait to give people? This was one of those times. I made her a Build-a-Bear and put in her favorite candy and cereal and some things to help pass the time while she was there. She lives in Tennessee so she had to stay at the hospital for a week. Luckily she doesn't have to get surgery! She just has to do chemo for a while.

I love her :) I love all the friends I met there! Such amazing and inspiring people. They know what really matters in life.

So I also decided that I am moving to Thailand next year because guess what?! I will be done with treatment in NOVEMBER!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY! I am so happy and excited! I thought I was going to have to stay on treatment until next July and I was super bummed and really really sad. But my doctor said it'd be dumb to stay on it that long because the side effects are worse than the slight minuscule benefit that we might possibly have by staying on it any longer. So that means I will be free soon! My mom says "No you need to stay and work" Why? Why does society say that? I am 23. I have the REST OF MY LIFE to work. Someday I will probably have a family. I will never be single and young again. Why do I have to stay here and work? I don't. I don't have to do what society expects me to. I can have fun adventures right now. And I'm going to. Probably even as recently as a year and a half ago I would have talked about something like this, but I never would have actually been "irresponsible" enough to do it. But I realize now after what I have experienced in life, that a bucket list should be more than a wish list. How many people actually accomplish very much on their bucket list? Probably next to none. I've accomplished a lot. And I fully intend to do more. 

Life is an adventure that is meant to be lived

Adventure: an exciting or unusual experience. A risky undertaking with an uncertain outcome

For my adventures this upcoming month I have planned to do a trail Ragnar race at Snowbasin, spend a week in Lake Powell, do a sprint triathalon and hike King's Peak in two days. 

No more rambling. Go, live your dream! 

(ten points to anyone who knows what that quote is from!)

Who I Am

In light of recent events I have had to do a lot of soul searching. When you are with someone for 4 years who start to lose your individual identity. Now that I'm on my own, I've had to get to know myself again. Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like? I have discovered that I am much happier now that I can be myself. Because I have found out, or been reminded, who "myself" is. I thought I'd write it down so I can look back at it in times of doubt.

Who I Am

I like chicken nuggets

I like chocolate

I like Nutella

I love frozen yogurt

I love to run

I have to run to stay sane

I like Lucky Charms and Reese's Puffs and Trix

I sometimes like to eat 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast

I like to eat cereal after dinner

I don't love to cook but I will do it

I don't mind having short hair

I love to dirt bike. I don't know why I let myself forget that and get all wussy about it 

I want to own a Harley someday

I'm not sure what my favorite color is anymore. I think maybe yellow or teal or light pink

I sometimes feel like my soul is really old. It is tired sometimes. (My soul that is)

I think that I will like being a mom

I'm starting to realize that babies are cute and precious. Probably because I can't have one.

I like Christian rock, country and punk rock

I like Florence and the Machine

I like public speaking

I like to take pictures and to be in pictures

I like to make crafts with my friends

I like to go hiking

I love the mountains

I love my dog

I love my family. Every single one of them- from my crazy aunts, to my quiet brothers, to my awesome grandparents

I like to be silly

I like to make cookies

I like to be outside

I love to read

Sometimes I like to be lazy

I secretly wish I could get a tattoo

I can keep a secret

I love playing Scrabble/Words with Friends

Lake Powell is my favorite vacation in the world. Next to Thailand

Okay actually Camp Mak-a-Dream is my favorite place in the world

I don't like tennis because I'm really bad at it

I like racquetball

I like perfume but I'm too cheap to buy it

I love picnics

I don't really like to shop

I LOVE monkeys

I love to read

I like surprises

I like humidity and hot weather 

Paul Walker is gorgeous

I am independent

I love playing the piano

I can do hard things

I am ME