The Waiting Game

Friday I got my CT scan. At quarter to 5 I had to start drinking the delicious "berry smoothie" dye they provided me with. It has the consistency of glue and after the first swallow tastes like it too. It is awful! I had to drink 2 huge containers of it. Blgh.

 

After I was exploding with the lovely stuff the nurse finally came out to the waiting room to get me. I laid down on the slab and she connected the iodine dye to my port. The iodine dye is the stuff that makes you feel all hot and weird inside like you have lava coursing through your veins. The nurse left the room and went back to the controls to start the scan. She did the first half and then said "okay, here comes the iodine" and suddenly I felt a freezing cold wet feeling on my head the was quickly trickling down my neck and back. About a minute went by and the nurse comes out "Did you get all hot and tingly" "Um no, I think it leaked all over me!" And so it did. I sat up and had the dye all in my hair and down my back. Luckily it is a clear liquid, but unfortunately it is extremely sticky. We're talking like corn syrup sticky. The nurse felt really bad and gave me a washcloth to try and get it out of my hair and off my skin. I laid back down and she connected me again, this time making sure the tubes were all on securely and we tried it again. This time when she pressed the dye it worked. But since it was going through my port it felt incredibly weird. And it made me severely nauseous. I almost sat up and ran to the trash can to puke, but the feeling subsided in time. I liked the iodine through an IV better. Through my port it just made my core all hot and weird and was a really sickening feeling. 

In the waiting room trying to gag down my drink.

So that was my experience getting a CT scan this time. Now I have just been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. For Wednesday to come so I can meet with my doctors and hopefully hear good news!

I also got the necklace from my mom that she got me as my chemo grad present. It is super cute! You know all those pins you see on Pinterest "send your handwriting here and they will turn it into jewelry for you". Well the lady my mom ordered from, Lauren Nicole, did that exact thing!! Sooooo cool. She wrote "courage" on the front of a heart pendant and "love, mom" on the back in my mom's handwriting. There was also a monkey stamped pendant (I love monkeys) and a teal bead. Lauren wasn't sure which color teal my mom wanted so she included two different ones just in case. It was really sweet. If you ever want to give a personalized gift to somebody I would definitely recommend her jewelry. My mom said she is really great to work with. And her jewelry is really cute!

Well, can't wait till Wednesday! Check back for the results!

He's going to Disneyland!!!! And other things.

On Wednesday my brother Josh got his mission call! I am so incredibly proud of him. It was such a blast to watch him open the call. I was so excited and antsy all day, and I'm sure he was 10x more so.

I know he was a little disappointed right when he opened the call, but I was so incredibly excited, and I know everyone else there was too. He is going to be an awesome missionary and do a great job in the Anaheim California mission.

Josh, I just want to let you know that I am incredibly glad to be your sister. I wish I could go back to when I was a bratty little child and I was so mean to you. It makes me feel really sad that I was a mean little kid. I love you and I think you are awesome. I hope you know that I really believe in you. You are a hard worker when you want to be, and even though you are a quiet and reserved person, you will be blessed to have the courage to approach people and share your testimony with them. I know that there will be many people who will be touched by the testimony that you have to share. You will be able to be influential to people in a way no one else has been able to. You will be able to change lives. Even if you don't baptize anyone, people will be changed for the better if you strive to always do your best and work hard.

At our Thanksgiving dinner my in-laws shared advice to my sister-in-law Ashlynn as she also prepares for a mission. I want to share that advice with you Josh.

• Perfect obedience: if you strive to live the mission rules with a PERFECT obedience you will be blessed with the Spirit always. It is a rule that one companion is supposed to help the other back out of a parking stall by standing outside and backing them up. Even if it is pouring rain and there is not a single other car in the parking lot, obey the rule. An elderly lady saw this exact situation happen and because of the missionaries' obedience she was converted. People are always watching.
• Love: love the people, love the culture (yes California has a different culture), love the food, love the work, love the Gospel. When you are filled with love for the people, you can better serve them.
• Study: study like you have never studied before. Know the Gospel the best you can. Read the Book of Mormon. Make sure you get your own testimony before you go.
• Work hard: work as hard as you possibly can. Every day will be the hardest day of your life, but it will also be your best. Don't give up or slack because it is too hard. Nothing is too hard when you have Heavenly Father on your side.
• Listen: listen to the Spirit because He will guide you and help you find people. He will comfort you when you are frustrated. He will help you love your companion when you want to kill him.

He leaves February 27th. I'll miss the little guy!

Chemo today went well. My white blood cell count more than tripled this week!!! Thanks to an awesome teammate who helped me find ways to increase my count. I drank lots of carrot juice and took some super powerful probiotics. I think it definitely helped. So glad I could get treatment! I also got to see my friend Haley and talk to her for a while. It is just so much more fun to have a friend my own age to talk to, even though we have totally different cancers.

It is weird, I haven't started losing my head hair yet!! My eyebrows have started falling out again :( and so have my arm hairs, but the hair on my head seems to be nice and stuck! I am so happy. I really am sick of being all the way bald. Its nice to have a little fuzz. 

I didn't write a Thanksgiving post because I don't want to be all cliche and so many people were doing it that I figured people were bored of reading them. But I am SO incredibly grateful for so many things I could never ever name them all. Maybe that was another reason I didn't want to do a thankful post....it would be way too long. I am grateful for life, to be alive. I am grateful that I have been able to be a blessing to others because of my cancer. I am grateful for a supportive husband that takes care of me and a mother-in-law that cooks dinner every night. I'm grateful for a mother that spends every Monday sitting in the chemotherapy room by my side and spends countless hours researching the newest and best treatment for me. I'm grateful that my brother has chosen to serve the Lord on a mission. I'm grateful for the days that I have energy to run. 

And the list goes on and on and on.

Sorry there were no pictures today. I did a horrible job this weekend taking pics.

Yesterday a lady in my ward said this comment and I really really loved it, so I will leave you with this thought:

"Often your worthiness is not measured by the blessings you receive, but by the trials you endure"

What You Should Know Before You Decide to Get Cancer

I'm sure a lot of you think that having cancer is really fun and rosy because that is the picture I often paint. Okay, so you probably don't really think that, but in case you were considering getting cancer so that you could have more friends and get free things, I thought I should warn you of the things that might not be so great.

I'm going to list the bad things first, but you have to read the good things that come after. There is always a good and bad to every situation.

Cons:

• Menopause: its not cool. Unless you are 50 and you are supposed to have it
• Hot flashes/night sweats: sometimes its so bad I can't sleep.
  
• Acne: awesome side effect of the steroid pre-drug I have to get
• Rash: also an awesome side effect of the steroid. Right now I only have it on my hands, but you can get it on your palms and the bottom of your feet
• Losing your hair: I mean it was fun for like 2 weeks but I'm kind of tired of being a fuzz monkey. 
• Losing your eyebrows/nose hair: patchy eyebrows look dumb. Having no nose hair? Your nose constantly is runny. And stuffy. Beats me how it can be both but it is.
• Bloody noses: the Avastin makes my blood not clot and no nose hairs makes my nose dry so I get at least one bloody nose a day that lasts for 20 minutes or longer
• Health insurance: like I will ever be able to get any in the future once I am 26 and kicked off my parents
• Running: I know lots of you still think I am fast, and compared to the general public I guess I sort of am. But to go from a collegiate athlete to barely making it three miles at what I consider a snail's pace....it is really really hard
  
• Not having a reproductive system: no kids. no female hormones. No hormone replacement options because my cancer is sensitive to estrogen and progesterone
• Surgery: one surgery I thought was kind of cool, I mean everyone needs the experience right? And I thought I was going to get awesome yummy food all day and lay in bed and it was going to be fun! It turns out surgery isn't all that fun and I was too sick to eat any yummy food and the big comfy bed isn't all that comfy after nine days.
• Getting sick: On Saturday the 8th I got a slight headache. Not so big a deal right? Everyone gets a headache once in a while. Wow, no. The slightest sickness of any kind is magnified like 6000x when your body is already weak from chemo. My slight headache turned into extreme hot flashes, cold sweats, runny nose, congested sinuses, a panic attack and a head that I thought was going to explode. Glad it only lasted the night.
• Butt stomach: even though I am small, having the scar on my stomach still creates an indent that makes me look like I have a butt stomach. Yuck.

Pros: 

I know it seems weird, but there are a lot of good things that have come from having cancer.

• Losing my hair: I get to experience every length of hair I want, and I get to wear cool wigs!
• I get to be an example to hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people. I have been so blessed to able to share my experiences with people and it helps me keep a good attitude knowing that people look up to me and are watching me.
• I get to be the recipient of the INCREDIBLE generosity of people. Its not so much that I like how generous people are, but mostly it is so humbling to feel the love that others have for me. I am humbled every day by how much people are willing to sacrifice, it really is incredible. It reminds me that Heavenly Father does watch over me and cares for me through other people.
  
• New friends: I have met so many new people through this experience. I really admire the other patients, especially Dove. I've talked about him before but he is an inspiration to me. Diagnosed with terminal cancer almost 6 years ago at age 30. He has an amazing attitude and never fails to serve those around him. Every time he comes for chemo he brings treats for all the other patients and he is constantly pulling pranks and making people laugh.
• Old friends: I have been able to re-become friends with a lot of people. It seems silly that it takes a huge thing like cancer to awaken us to reach out to our old friends, but its okay that it does. I am grateful for the people I've been reacquainted with, it has been a lot of fun.
• Service: I have had a lot of opportunities to serve others in various capacities. I have also been more desirous to seek out service opportunities. I've been so blessed and taken care of by people that I want to be able to give back just a little bit to those who also need it.
  
• Faith: Everyday my faith in my Heavenly Father gets stronger. I always thought I had a testimony before, but now it is 100x better. I would be blind if I didn't see how blessed I am. I am lucky that I have had opportunities to increase my faith and that I have been able to do so. It's funny how much this trial has helped me grow and yet other much easier trials have been such a struggle for me.
  "You don't know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have"
  That quote is so true. Right now being sad or discouraged or whatever emotion I "should" be because I have cancer doesn't even seem like an option. It seems natural to be happy and positive and use this experience to grow. Being sad seems ridiculous almost.

So my con list is longer than my pro list. But the pros far outweigh the cons. The things I have been blessed with are so much more important and so much bigger than the things that kind of suck. However, don't run out and go get cancer. I would still strongly suggest against it. Instead, look at my list of pros. You can have all of those blessings in your life, you just need to seek them out. I will go through cancer, and you can take what I am learning and have those blessings without the crappy cancer side effects :) Seems like a pretty good deal to me. You don't have to have a huge trial in your life to be blessed. Every single person reading this can be an example to those around them. Just remember that especially when you are going through hard things, people are watching you. What an impact you can have even on just one person by being strong in a time of hardship. And how hard it it to call up an old friend today and tell them how much you appreciate them in your life? Even if you guys haven't talked in 5 or 10 years, I guarantee that they would be so happy to hear you tell them what a great friend they were and what an influence they had on your life. As far as making new friends? That one is super hard for me. But since I got cancer I have made it a goal to make one stranger happy a day. Sometimes it just takes a smile as you pass them on the sidewalk. Sometimes a short conversation in the grocery line. It is much easier than I thought to reach out to others. 

Monkey Goes Under the Knife. And lives!

Well guys, I decided that monkey needed a port and a laparotomy scar. He was totally up for it, he says he wants to get better from cancer too.

Here's how it went:

He tolerated the procedure pretty well, said he felt no pain and no nausea on coming out of anesthesia. There were no complications during surgery. The scar looks like it is healing up nicely and the port is placed perfectly for access to his superior vena cava. He has almost lost all his hair, so he has started wearing head scarves. 

Here he is after surgery, still happy and alive! We now have matching scars, wristbands and ports. What a great friend!

Soon to be Mrs. Baldy

Well today is my 3rd chemo treatment. It's going great! I slept a lot of it, the Benadryl they give me just knocks me out :/ I hate it. But anyway, from what I have been reading and from talking to other ovarian cancer women it sounds like I'm going to start losing my hair today or tomorrow and it might be gone by the end of the week! Yikes! Just in time for me to tan burn it at Lake Powell haha. I am going to have a head shaving party as soon as it gets all thin and yucky looking. Everyone is invited to come. Its going to be really fun! Everyone will get to cut a chunk off (if there is that much) and we'll play Pictionary on my head and have lots of yummy food :) When the time comes I will make a Facebook event and invite you all :) Unless I have to cut it off at Lake Powell, then everyone will miss it. I'm holding on to it until the last possible day! Its pretty weird that one day you can have hair and the next....it could be gone. Lots of people have said that theirs all fell out within a few days. I have a quite a few cute hats though, I'll be stylish :) Except for my missing eyebrows....that'll be lame.

Also, I started the list of nicknames you can start calling me. If you think of some other good ones, let me know :)

• Cue Ball
• Baldy
• Baldilocks
• Squeekers
• Chrome Dome

Pretty funny. You know what else would be funny, if I warned everyone I was going to lose my hair and then I kept it for like 3 more weeks. The doctors keep saying I will but every other cancer patient that has gone through it says otherwise. So I really don't know. Better to prepare for it now. My mom is really sad. She said she doesn't want to come to my party! I will be sad too, but no sense in being sad while I still have it!

Here's some pretty pictures by Jessie Oberg Photography. She is an amazing photographer

Well chemo went great today, now I get to spend time with my awesome mom. She does so much for me. Hope this week goes well! Holiday tomorrow...whoop whoop!

Roundhouse kicked that Chemo

ME

Today I got my second chemotherapy treatment. I worked it like a boss!! Seriously, I didn't even get sick, I didn't feel nauseous and the rest of the day I have been totally fine!!

I took a cute pic of me getting treatment, but I forgot to text it to myself from my mom's phone so check back later tonight if you really care about it. **NOW ADDED. SCROLL AHEAD TO SEE HOW CUTE I AM. HAHA**

But here is a pic of the station

Each patient has a little cubicle that looks like this. It is pretty nice. Today went so much better with the drugs. They take forever to get you started because they have to draw blood tests and wait for the results to come back first just to make sure you are doing good still. My appt. was at 8 but I didn't get hooked up to any meds until about 9:10am. They gave me Benadryl and a nausea medicine again. I still hate Benadryl. It made me feel sick and weird in my head. The nurse said next time they will try a different drug since I seem to react weird to it. Finally!

It is super weird having an IV come into your main blood vessel. It goes directly into my superior vena cava. You know when you drink a hot/cold drink and you can feel it going down your esophagus? That is kind of what it feels like with the medicine. It's not cold or hot, but I can feel it pouring into my body and it is really quite a sick weird feeling. I don't like it. But its not miserable or anything, so I am so glad!!! I really was so lucky and blessed today. After the infusion we got a pedicure with my aunts and Granny and went to lunch :) I am about to get dressed and go to the gym real quick since I didn't work out this morning!

For those of you that didn't see it on Facebook, here is a pic of what I colored while I was sitting around :) I love Tangled. Its my favorite.

The whole chemo brain thing is totally real. I tried to play Words With Friends but my brain just gets so foggy and confused and can't focus for very long so looks like we'll be sticking to TV, coloring, maybe Sudoku, and looking at magazines.

Next infusion is next Monday at 8am! Hopefully it goes well again! My mom got me some super cute hats that I wanted, so when I start going bald in two or three weeks I am going to be rockin them :)

Gouda.

I have a new pet. His name is Gouda. Like Gouda cheese. Because he is a mouse. That lives under my skin. See?

Can you see the resemblance? Extremely attractive if I must say so.

I also made this shirt on Tuesday cuz I was bored. 

I used a bleach pen to make it and an old black T-shirt. I wore it to school and my teacher was like "So how are you kicking cancer's butt? Was it a 5k or something?" and I was like "um....I have cancer" and he was like "What the heck are you doing here? Do you want to go home and just get an A?" and I was like (in my head) "yes please, I hate this class." But I really said "No I think I'll be okay. But I will let you know." And he was way cool about it.

This week has been pretty good. I haven't felt very sick. Only a few times I felt sort of weird....not super sick, just not right exactly. I have been tired, I have to take a nap every day but I have also been able to run every day which is awesome. Today was my longest run since surgery, 3.15 miles!! It felt great. I feel weird because I feel like I am a normal person and then on Mondays I have to have cancer and then I kind of recover and become normal again by the end of the week. It's a confusing cycle for my poor head.

Well....till next time! Adios compadres. Hasta la vista. Eat some pizza.

Chemo brain....it's real

So, I experienced my first chemotherapy treatment yesterday. I first got some labs drawn (they do this pretty much every visit) and it was the first time they got to use my port. I was pretty freaked out for this part because my chest is still sensitive from getting the port in. However, I had used numbing cream before I went and it hardly hurt all all when they used the special needle to access the port.
This is what my port looks like (the purple part) and the yellow thing is the special needle they use.

I also met with the doctor and we just discussed the treatment and she answered a lot of my dad's questions and also told me the results of my pap smear (uterine biopsy). They found evidence of endomertrial cancer in my uterus soooo looks like there really is no hope of saving it :( Darn.

Anyway, after the doctor we had lunch and then checked in for chemotherapy. We waited a loooong time before they let us back. I should have taken a picture of the place! Its pretty nice. All the chairs face the large glass windows that look out over the valley, so its really pretty and bright. I got to sit in a comfortable reclining lazy boy in front of a personal TV. They hooked me up first to Benadryl to prevent an allergic reaction to the chemo drugs, some anti-nausea drugs, Tylenol and Pepcid. All stuff to prevent me getting or feeling sick. The Benadryl made me feel super sleepy :( Then......they hooked me up to the Taxol first. After about 30 seconds I started realizing what people meant by chemo brain. I felt all fuzzy and weird. And then, in the blink of an eye, I got crazy nauseous, my face felt numb, I broke out in hives and I couldn't breathe at all! It was freaky!!! They quickly stopped the infusion and put me on oxygen until I could breathe. I had a severe allergic reaction to the Taxol, it was really scary. They let me sit and catch my breathe for a little bit then hooked me up to some more Benadryl. I had to pee and when I saw my face in the mirror it was crazy! My eyes were bloodshot and my cheeks were all puffy and splotchy, I was quite a sight to see :) The Benadryl started working, which for me sucks because I think I'm allergic to it too. It makes me all twitchy and feel super weird, but I have to have it. They let the Benadryl soak in for 30 minutes and then started me back up on the Taxol. This time they slowed the rate down to half as fast as it normally is. I felt much better the second try. I was extremely tired by this point from all the Benadryl the shoved in me so I fell asleep. I slept for most of the time. Every once in a while I would wake up and talk to Sterling or watch TV with him but then I got tired and would fall asleep again. They checked in every so often to get my vitals (blood pressure, heart rate and temperature).

Skull Candy donated headphones for all the first time chemo patients. So I got these super nice things for free!

FINALLY the Taxol was done. It took more than twice as long as it should have because my body freaked out. They then flushed my system with a little saline and hooked me up to the Carboplaten. Luckily I didn't have anymore freak outs. My temperature just spiked to 104 was all.....yucky. I didn't feel all that bad though and the last hour or so I was awake watching TV and eating yummy food. Like chocolate! And granola bars. And more chocolate. In fact, I was pretty darn hungry. And super hot since my fever was so high. Eventually the carboplaten ended and I was set to go!! Yay!!!! It was 6:15 by this point and we were thinking we'd probably be out of the hospital by 3 or 4....oops :) They de-accessed my port by pulling the needle out. It was a little scary and kind of hurt, but mostly it just felt weird. Then I was good to go! I was the last patient left. Lucky me :) All in all it wasn't too bad of an experience really. Just the 15 or so minutes where I freaked out and then was all twitchy and weird. The rest was fine! And today I feel great still. Not sick yet! I even ran this morning, although I am definitely slower than before I had my port, its kind of sore still I guess.

Right before they hooked me up to anything.

Before I got my chemo drugs, and I was just hooked up to the preventative meds I met this super awesome guy getting chemo too. He has been on chemo treatments for 4 1/2 years! Oh my gosh. And he has to be on them the REST OF HIS LIFE. His cancer is terminal and either the cancer is gonna kill him or the chemo is. Wow, it made me so sad for him. He has two cute little kids, an 8 year old and a 5 year old. And he was such a funny person! He has pulled so many pranks on the poor doctor and nurses and really just has fun with his situation. It was really awesome to meet him and made me realize my situation is NOTHING compared to his! He also made me want to pull funny pranks too because it sounds really fun :) He didn't explain in much detail, but I got the idea that one time he went streaking through the infusion room with his IV!!! Hahaha that is so awesome.

So there you have it, I lived through the first treatment and it wasn't so bad at all! I hear it gets a lot worse, so I'm glad I could start out slowly and happily. I will take more pictures next time!

My awesome best friend sent me this monkey pic from the San Diego zoo on her honeymoon while I was in treatment

Starting tomorrow I will have chemo-brain. Apparently its a syndrome

Tomorrow is my first chemo treatment. I am a little nervous just because I am not really sure what to expect, but I'm sure it will be fine and not even that bad :) I meet with the doctor at 10:30 to talk about I don't know what and then the infusion supposedly starts at noon.

I have been planning ahead for when I am a cool bald chick and I have decided a few things:

• I am going to wear purple eyelashes to freak people out. And maybe long sparkly ones too. I might even draw eyebrows on with purple eyeliner.
• I am not going to cut my hair to make a wig. I'm just going to let it fall out and enjoy my beautiful long hair while I can. 
• Not having eyelashes or eyebrows is going to be freaky and weird.
• I think it will be funny when people stare at me all awkwardly because I am bald and scary

Also I have found some way cool head coverings/hats that I like. I hear your head gets really itchy and sensitive and that you like to have it covered. These are some of the ones that I like:

I also think I should get some wigs like these.....

I will be pretty much so awesome.

I have a special backpack full of stuff for chemo. I call it my chemo bag. In it I have stuff to keep me entertained like magazines, coloring books, sudoku, and my Kindle. I also have a water bottle, my iPod, a journal, Ziploc baggies (explained below), a monkey and my favorite super extra soft blanket.

The tips I have heard that I will do are:

• Chew ice chips during the treatment. The cold slows blood supply to your mouth, thereby decreasing the chance that you will get mouth sores.
• Bring your favorite blanket because it gets cold and the ones at the hospital are scratchy
• Bring something to do because it usually takes longer than they say, especially if you count check-in and set-up time
• Bring Ziploc bags in case you get sick on the way home. Then you can zip it up and you don't have to smell your puke the rest of the ride.
• Wear a button up shirt so your port is easy to access
• Put numbing cream on your port site about an hour before they will use it because it hurts to have it accessed.
• Eat a lot before you go because you may puke it all up or you might not feel like eating for a few days.

Sounds pretty crazy if you ask me! It will be quite the experience I'm sure. The nurses and a few other people have assured me that the first couple treatments aren't so bad, I might not even feel anything. From what I hear, I shouldn't start noticeably losing my hair till 3 or 4 treatments into it.

My port is doing pretty well! It was pretty stiff and sore those first 2 days, but its feeling better, just a tiny bit sore now. The tape they put over it made me have an allergic reaction and I was soooooo itchy the first two days after the placement that I thought I was going to blow up. Finally I took the tape off and it has felt much better ever since :)

I will write another post tomorrow detailing how the treatment went! Stay tuned for awesome, and possibly gruesome details :)

 I think these are pretty sweet.

The Port (aka: Alien Super-power Giving Device)

Yesterday was port getting day! I went on a beautiful run up Big Cottonwood Canyon in the morning with my dad and his high-school XC team. We ran around Silver Lake. It was so peaceful and perfect temperature and so beautiful. We saw three moose!! They were less than 100 feet away, just chillin' in the field next to the trail! It was awesome, I wish I would have gotten a picture.

Then after I went home and showered it was pretty much time to go to the hospital. We got there a little early because there was no traffic but they got us in for our first appointment without too much waiting. The first appointment was with a genetic counselor. After looking at all the signs and going through my family history, they are pretty confident that my cancer was not caused by a genetic mutation in the BRAC 1 or 2 genes (that is just the breast/ovarian cancer preventing gene). However, since I was getting labs drawn after anyway I decided to go ahead and do the test just so the rest of the women in my family can know if they should be concerned and get tested themselves. We will know the results of the test in 2-3 weeks, but it is very likely negative (meaning my cancer was a random crazy attack of my cells and not something my mom or dad gave me).

The next appointment was to get some labs. They took like 8 or 9 viles! Most of them were for a research study where they are looking at potential other genes that could be causing cancers. I also got an IV placed for my next appointment.....getting a port.

I forgot to mention, they told me I couldn't eat or drink anything after 8am.....Can I just tell you, I was one GRUMPY chick!!! I was starving. Like hungry beyond reason, I thought I was going to die! And everybody at the hospital was sooooo annoying to me hahaha (looking back I realize I was being completely irrational and crazy).

Me.

My port placement wasn't supposed to be till 3 and we got done with everything else by 1:30. I was hoping they wouldn't be busy and they'd be able to squeeze me in, but we had no such luck. So I took like a 40 minute nap in the waiting room and then they felt bad so they put me back in a comfy bed with a warm blanket and pillows. I haven't said it yet, but I was really super nervous for the procedure. I really did not want to have to get general anesthesia because we were supposed to take family pictures when I got home and I would have had to stay at the hospital an hour longer after for "recovery" and I would have been sleepy, groggy and totally out of it for pictures if I could even make it! So that meant I would only get lidocaine numbing medicine at the surgery site and I would be awake, coherent and feeling pressure and tugging the whole time. I wanted so badly to be brave but I didn't know if I'd be able to.

Seen this look before? Its oddly familiar to me.

At 3:30 they finally took me back to the surgery room. My doctor was a pretty cool guy, quite the jokester. They numbed me up which hurt pretty bad, but I am used to getting painful burny shots because I have had to take a blood thinner shot every day for the past month since surgery (its just standard procedure after a major surgery). They also covered my head and chest with this plastic blanket thing and cut open a hole just where they needed to work, I guess it keeps everything sterile and safe. I had a little hole to peek out of the side of the blanket thing and I stared at the wall the whole time. With the numbing shots and sterilization process over they started hacking away at me! Okay, that might be an exaggerating :) To keep my mind off what was happening I stared at a red baseball cap that was hanging up on an IV tower by the wall. I also started chatting it up with the doctor. That helped A LOT. I ended up talking to the doctor the entire time. I mostly only felt a lot of pressure, at times I thought Dr. Huo was trying to break my rib! I told him if he did, that he better break my leg too because I was coming after him and he wouldn't like it. We laughed a lot and had a really nice time in there :) Eventually I thought my head was going to pop off because I had a really bad headache from being so tense and nervous, but then they finished up. Just a few more stitches here and there and they pulled the plastic tarp off me. It was kinda weird seeing my doctor's gloved hands covered in my blood.....but I didn't freak out too much. I got up off the table and walked out of the room!

I got dressed and my mom took me upstairs to the cafeteria to get some food. The trauma of the event (meaning I was still freaked out the whole time, just secretly) made me not quite as famished but I got a yogurt parfait and an apple juice. My mom gave me the bacon off her sandwich too so it made a decent dinner and I felt much better :) When I got home it started hurting a lot more and feeling really stiff. But I tried to suck it up and we drove up Little Cottonwood Canyon for our family pictures. The rain stopped just in time for us and the sun was peeking through the clouds. It was so beautiful up there, I can't wait to get our pictures back. My cousin Jessie is an incredible photographer and she did a great job and made it a lot of fun.

Today was one of my best friend's wedding. Yay!!! Monday is my first chemo treatment, I have appointments starting at 10am, the infusion starts at 1pm and it will probably take a little over 2 hours.