New Normal

It has been AGES since I wrote a blog post. I know. I'm sorry. It's like my journal, I am sooooo good at it for months and months and then all the sudden I fall out of the habit and can't get back into it. Mostly I just got busy and then when I wanted to write about something I didn't have pictures for it so I thought it'd be too boring to write about. But this blog is my journal now and I know I'm going to want to write things down so I can read back over them later or maybe, just maybe, my future kids might want to read it. Who knows.

I got a job about 2 weeks ago! I only work Monday, Wedneday and Friday but I feel so busy and I haven't had time to write. Okay I obviously have all day on Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday or Sunday but......I feel like I have been busy haha. I am working as a physical therapy aide at Performance Rehab Clinic in Draper of 12300 S. I work from 7:30am to 2:30 or 3pm. Then I change into my running clothes and run from work and then I get home around 4:30ish. I have been having a ton of fun and I really am enjoying what I do. I definitely don't do it for the pay...but it is great experience and I like it which is important.

I wrote at the beginning of February that I was finally feeling back to normal......I must have forgotten what "normal" felt like because now at the beginning of March I am realizing that even just a month ago I was far from normal! I cannot believe how much different I feel now! I didn't realize it until I went skiing yesterday and I was able to ski all day, hard, without needing a break every 5 minutes or feeling like I was going to die. I didn't remember that you shouldn't feel like you are going to collapse after one really hard run. I didn't remember what it felt like to be able to breathe without feeling sick to my stomach. I didn't remember that when I go running I shouldn't feel like I'm going to pass out after 15 minutes. All of these things I am able to do lately and it is so incredible!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel AMAZING. I can wake up at 6:30 in the morning and function all day. I can stay up till midnight without becoming a zombie (I mean I'm still an early to bed kind of gal but if needed, I can stay up). I am back up to running 5 1/2 to 6 1/2 miles a day. Two Saturdays ago I ran for 7 miles! And I did 41 minutes without stopping. On Friday I ran the last three miles of my six mile run at an under 8 min/mile pace :) I seriously did not realize how tired I had been the past 8 months of my life. Maybe even longer. I think the cancer in me was making me fatigued even before I started chemo.

I am so incredibly grateful every single day for my health and my body and my energy. I sometimes want to cry because I feel SO much better I can't even comprehend it. My hair is finally a cute length. I can style it cute and in the next month or so I can probably even get a hair cut! Never thought I'd be excited to be able to have a hair cut haha.

I titled this post "new normal" because even though I am feeling "normal", normal will never be the same for me. I have really struggled with some of the after effects of cancer. Like having a 10 inch scar down my stomach that makes it all lumpy and misshapen. And having a weird belly button that I have to clean out (who cleans their belly button?) And having the metabolism of a post-menopausal lady. Just things that I am learning to live with and accept. Some days I do better than other days, just like anyone. Although I do think that surgeons should have to take a semester's worth of plastic surgery courses. Just sayin' ;)

My brother Josh has been in the MTC for 12 days now. He is really enjoying it and sounds so happy. I've only heard from him twice but both times he just sounded like he was enjoying it a lot. He got to give his first priesthood blessing this last week and he got to use my cancer story to help an investigator he was teaching :) I am glad he's doing well. He seems to really be flourishing. He leaves for the field in California on Tuesday. My sister-in-law leaves for her mission on Wednesday. SO crazy. She's really excited too.

Okay I have like 3 more posts I need to write this week so come back for more updates :) Sorry this post was so much talk and so little pictures, not as much fun to read, I know, but it's stuff I gotta say, at least for myself.

P.S. That last sentence had four commas. Pretty sure any English teacher would kill me.

Dancing with NED

Well the doctors have said I am NED! Ned means No Evidence of Disease. Woooo! Seems so crazy after almost 7 months of having cancer to be rid of it. Now the plan is just continue on the Avastin every 3 weeks. It is a short (30 minute) IV infusions at the Huntsman. I will meet with my surgeon every 3 months for 2 years and then after that every 6 months for 3 more years and then hopefully only once a year forever. 

I woke up this morning to this beautiful sunrise. I guess the smog is good for something! I don't know why, but the sunrise was so pretty and it really made me feel like it was the beginning not only of a new day, but of a new part of my life :)
                                              

I found this quote the other day and it says what I feel about running so perfectly I had to share.

Truly, I love running. It's who I am. It's a part of me. Even if I can only run for 10 minutes, I feel whole and happy. And if everything else is falling to pieces, I go for a run, and I feel like things are going to be okay.
--Johanna Olson, Olympic Marathon Trials runner who died of brain cancer at the age of 33 

I seriously love running. Not being able to run and then being able to only do a pathetic jog intermixed with lots of walking has really been hard for me. I am starting to be able to run a little better; a little longer with less breaks and sometimes even a little faster. It has definitely been something I've had to adjust to and deal with. People think that now I'm done with chemo I am all better and normal. My life is still definitely not normal. It will never go back to how it was before. I probably won't feel really recovered until I can actually run again like I used to. And who knows if that will even happen! It is definitely an adjustment going back to "normalcy". But I am excited to be able to move on with my life a little. It was nice to have Monday free this week and not spend it at the Huntsman (even though I am here now on Wednesday).

Yesterday my friend Aimee came over with her super cute 6 month old! Aimee and I have known each other since FIRST grade. How cool is that? It was fun visiting with her and even fun playing with Eliza. She is the cutest tiniest little person. I hope that my babies are as cute and tiny as her. And she didn't even cry when I held her. Most babies really hate me. Seriously. It made me feel happy that she let me play with her.

I forgot to write that Saturday I went night skiing with Sterling and my sis-in-law Ashlynn and our two Australian friends Kaila and Sierra. It was fun and not too terribly cold and really nice to get out of the nasty smog. I snowboarded instead of skiied because I hardly ever board and thought it would be better for the icy night conditions. Unfortunately the very first run I felt right on my tailbone soooooooooo hard I couldn't even move for a second. It still hurts. A lot. Otherwise it was pretty fun :)

It amazes me how attractive we are.

The Waiting Game

Friday I got my CT scan. At quarter to 5 I had to start drinking the delicious "berry smoothie" dye they provided me with. It has the consistency of glue and after the first swallow tastes like it too. It is awful! I had to drink 2 huge containers of it. Blgh.

 

After I was exploding with the lovely stuff the nurse finally came out to the waiting room to get me. I laid down on the slab and she connected the iodine dye to my port. The iodine dye is the stuff that makes you feel all hot and weird inside like you have lava coursing through your veins. The nurse left the room and went back to the controls to start the scan. She did the first half and then said "okay, here comes the iodine" and suddenly I felt a freezing cold wet feeling on my head the was quickly trickling down my neck and back. About a minute went by and the nurse comes out "Did you get all hot and tingly" "Um no, I think it leaked all over me!" And so it did. I sat up and had the dye all in my hair and down my back. Luckily it is a clear liquid, but unfortunately it is extremely sticky. We're talking like corn syrup sticky. The nurse felt really bad and gave me a washcloth to try and get it out of my hair and off my skin. I laid back down and she connected me again, this time making sure the tubes were all on securely and we tried it again. This time when she pressed the dye it worked. But since it was going through my port it felt incredibly weird. And it made me severely nauseous. I almost sat up and ran to the trash can to puke, but the feeling subsided in time. I liked the iodine through an IV better. Through my port it just made my core all hot and weird and was a really sickening feeling. 

In the waiting room trying to gag down my drink.

So that was my experience getting a CT scan this time. Now I have just been waiting. And waiting. And waiting. For Wednesday to come so I can meet with my doctors and hopefully hear good news!

I also got the necklace from my mom that she got me as my chemo grad present. It is super cute! You know all those pins you see on Pinterest "send your handwriting here and they will turn it into jewelry for you". Well the lady my mom ordered from, Lauren Nicole, did that exact thing!! Sooooo cool. She wrote "courage" on the front of a heart pendant and "love, mom" on the back in my mom's handwriting. There was also a monkey stamped pendant (I love monkeys) and a teal bead. Lauren wasn't sure which color teal my mom wanted so she included two different ones just in case. It was really sweet. If you ever want to give a personalized gift to somebody I would definitely recommend her jewelry. My mom said she is really great to work with. And her jewelry is really cute!

Well, can't wait till Wednesday! Check back for the results!

CHRISTMAS week.

Christmas is the best holiday ever! I love it. I love to be with family and give people presents and make people happy. We were so incredibly blessed this Christmas. There were so many people that were looking out for us and have been angels in our lives. Thank you to those people.

I don't have anything exciting to write about really. Christmas was so fun. Christmas Eve I received my last long treatment where I get all three drugs. It went well. It was really fun passing out the caramel popcorn I made to everyone. We gave all the nurses, patients and visitors a bag. It made lots of people really happy and that made me happy.

After chemo we had my family Christmas Eve party which is always fun. We ate lots of food, made crafts, played games and opened presents. It is my favorite part of Christmas.

Koda loved the Christmas party too

Making crafts

Christmas day we saw Les Misreables which was so incredible! I saw the play when I was like 14 and I didn't really like it because I didn't understand the story line very well. But the movie was very clear and it was so emotional and captivating.

Wednesday we were supposed to go skiing but I woke up feeling really chemo sick :/ I always forget that when I get all three drugs I feel a lot more tired and sick. I ended up staying in bed till noon-thirty.Thursday I still felt a little sick but we went skiing anyway. The snow was awesome! Deep powder and such. But it was freezing. And I was really tired and still kind of sick :/ lame-o. It was still fun though. And I got to see my friend Courtney after! Yay! She lives in New York so we only see each other once or twice a year. It was fun to get to visit with her.

Today I went sledding. I love doing things outside.

Koda did not like sledding. He is a cry-baby

My sis-in-law is funny

CRASH!

We caught a mouse sledding. His name was Rufus.

Now the week is almost over and that means New Year's is coming! Usually New Year's is not one of my favorite holidays seeing as I think it's late when I'm not in bed by ten, but this year I am extra excited. I'm excited because it is my END OF CHEMO PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean I'll still have one more treatment after New Year's but that is it! Can you believe it?! I actually can't. It doesn't seem real. Since June my life has been one Monday to the next. I live from Monday to Monday. But shortly it will all be over and I can live life as a semi-normal person. I will only have to go to the Huntsman every three weeks for an hour instead of every week for 4-6 hours. I'm most excited to have my hair grow back. The bald/super short hair thing was fine for a while, but I am ready for some hair.

Well....yep. Sometimes I don't know what to say at the end of a post. So um, bye.

Long.

This has been a really looooooooooooong week. I don't know why. I've done fun things. I haven't really been sick. But it has gone by SO slowly. Tuesday and Wednesday I had my math and chemistry finals. Finally! Although I have been graduated for a year now, next semester will be the first one in my life that I haven't been in school. Yay!!! Holy smokes it feels so good. I can get a job and have a semi-normal life. Minus all my check-ups and treatment every three weeks for a year.

Wednesday after my final I got to spend time with my high school chums Morgan and Cesia. We made ugly Christmas sweaters!! Way fun and they turned out so cute :)

Thursday I went skiing at Snowbird! It was pretty fun, but I went by myself and the snow wasn't all that great. But Friday I went skiing with my family at Brighton and it was super awesome!!! The snow was actually quite good and it was really fun spending time with my brother Josh and my parents. And Sterling of course. But I always spend time with him. I was surprised at how well I was able to do. We took breaks of course, but I mostly did really well. Even though the next day I could hardly walk up the stairs without breathing hard....haha.

Yesterday I got to finally sleep in. And I woke up to 5 inches of snow! I am so happy!! I love snow in December, it is so beautiful. My other best friend Brooke came over and we made gluten free brownies and Christmas cards :) I forgot to get pictures though :( Bummer. But it was really fun. She is still in school and running for UVU so I don't get to see her very often. Then we went to our old stomping grounds and hung out with our old neighbors! I really miss them. We had such great neighbors and a great ward. I especially miss this little munchkin.

Isn't it great how much hair I have?! I haven't lost hardly any head hair this time!! My eyebrows are almost gone and my arm hair is gone, but the important head hair is sticking around :)

Isn't he cute? Last night was our new ward Christmas party. It was fun, they have a lot of talented people in the ward! I got to play a violin duet with another lady, I loved it.

Speaking of playing violin, I decided when we ever move north of point of the mountain I really want to be in the orchestra at Temple Square! I think that would be such a fun experience. I need to find out when tryouts are for violas.

Tomorrow begins my last round of chemo! (Remember a round is three treatments). I really hope my white blood cell count is high enough! I've been trying to drink lots of carrot juice and not eat too much sugar. I really want to have my party on New Year's Eve. Keep praying for me and crossing your fingers!