Who I Am

In light of recent events I have had to do a lot of soul searching. When you are with someone for 4 years who start to lose your individual identity. Now that I'm on my own, I've had to get to know myself again. Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like? I have discovered that I am much happier now that I can be myself. Because I have found out, or been reminded, who "myself" is. I thought I'd write it down so I can look back at it in times of doubt.

Who I Am

I like chicken nuggets

I like chocolate

I like Nutella

I love frozen yogurt

I love to run

I have to run to stay sane

I like Lucky Charms and Reese's Puffs and Trix

I sometimes like to eat 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast

I like to eat cereal after dinner

I don't love to cook but I will do it

I don't mind having short hair

I love to dirt bike. I don't know why I let myself forget that and get all wussy about it 

I want to own a Harley someday

I'm not sure what my favorite color is anymore. I think maybe yellow or teal or light pink

I sometimes feel like my soul is really old. It is tired sometimes. (My soul that is)

I think that I will like being a mom

I'm starting to realize that babies are cute and precious. Probably because I can't have one.

I like Christian rock, country and punk rock

I like Florence and the Machine

I like public speaking

I like to take pictures and to be in pictures

I like to make crafts with my friends

I like to go hiking

I love the mountains

I love my dog

I love my family. Every single one of them- from my crazy aunts, to my quiet brothers, to my awesome grandparents

I like to be silly

I like to make cookies

I like to be outside

I love to read

Sometimes I like to be lazy

I secretly wish I could get a tattoo

I can keep a secret

I love playing Scrabble/Words with Friends

Lake Powell is my favorite vacation in the world. Next to Thailand

Okay actually Camp Mak-a-Dream is my favorite place in the world

I don't like tennis because I'm really bad at it

I like racquetball

I like perfume but I'm too cheap to buy it

I love picnics

I don't really like to shop

I LOVE monkeys

I love to read

I like surprises

I like humidity and hot weather 

Paul Walker is gorgeous

I am independent

I love playing the piano

I can do hard things

I am ME

Today the Sun Will Shine

I have one of the greatest friends. She gave me a gift and inside were a bunch of smaller gifts that all had perfect awesome quotes on them. The one from today was a short little poem. It is how I try to live each day. I thought that maybe other people could benefit from it besides just me, so I want to share.

It is called Today. I don't know who wrote it.

Outside my window, a new day I see
And only I can determine
What kind of day it will be.
It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,
or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.
My own state of mine is the determining key,
For I am only the person I let myself be.
I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,
Or be selfish and think just of myself.
I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,
or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.
I can be patient with those who may not understand,
or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.
But I have faith in myself, and believe what I say,
And I personally intend to make
The best of each day

And this. Because how can you be sad with a face like this?

Make the best of each day. You don't know how many you'll have. You never know how many people you can affect for good. Tell people how you feel.

Staples are the New Zipper

HI. Today is my 4th day being in the hospital. It's hard to write posts in the hospital so sorry I haven't updated since surgery! Also I apologize now for spelling and grammatical errors....my brain is all fuzzy :)

The surgery on Tuesday went great! It was only about 3 hours long which was a little shorter than expected. The removed my uterus, ovary, all surrounding lining, 2 spots on my liver and a section of my diaphragm. The doctors feel very confident that they removed all visible evidence of cancer and that chemotherapy will take care if there is any remaining. And they remembered to take pictures!!! I have a picture of my liver, of them holding me open, and of my uterus and ovary in a bucket. It's pretty cool but I didn't think everyone would want to see them so I didn't put them on my blog. The doctors got quite a laugh out of my zipper tattoo, they really liked it.

Headed to the hospital

The chemo doctor hasn't quite decided what our future course of treatment may be. They will probably change one of the drugs I'm on to something else, and I will probably have 12 more weeks to finish instead of 9, but that could all very likely change. She also said that they can start chemo as soon as 2 weeks after surgery! But they will wait 3-4 for me

I have been kind of mobile. In the mornings I am pretty awake and alert and able to get out of bed or at least be awake and visit. But the past couple days by 2 I am completely wiped out and pretty much sleep the rest of the day!! So sorry to any visitors that have come and I was just sleeping the whole time. A lot of people have been asking my parents if they can come visit. Please just direct all questions to me or Sterling. We are fine to answer questions. I have been fine having visitors, but like I said I have slept through most of them.

me sleeping. All these pictures kind of look the same....sorry

Yesterday my beautiful cousin Shaeley came and we did a Halloween craft!!!! It was so much fun! I had such a good time, it was such a fun thing to do and easier than just trying to have conversation the whole time.

She spray painted mason jars and then we painted cool Halloween things on them.

Today I finally showered!! Well got washed with a washcloth...but it felt so good to get washed and put a clean gown on. I luckily haven'r been sick/nauseous at all yet which is awesome. And this morning my stomach was making gurgling noises which means it wants to start working! I have been able to eat popsicles and smoothies. I think I am doing much better than last time but I think I am in more pain. They cut me good! For those of you who haven't seen this picture on Facebook, here is a picture of my new scar. It stapled shut with 43 staples! Yikes, I can only imagine getting them taken out!

Hope I keep feelin' good and that I can go home soon! I CANT WAIT TO GET MY PUPPY!!!!!!

Life's Greatest Lessons Aren't Learned in a Book (and other updates)

Friday, September 21st, I had the opportunity to speak at Bingham high school to a group of English students. It was a really awesome experience. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to speak to so many people about what I'm going through and how I've been able to deal with things. I also got to speak at Pleasant Grove High School on December 5th

If you want to read the speech I gave, here is a link to it https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hiRXA_nEm7xptqEdwvMix1i_s-Rnb_C948a5hqsUBBs/edit?usp=sharing
I wrote down my speech exactly like I would say it if I really were speaking so just read it as such and not like an essay or something.

I created this slideshow that I shared at the end. I think the video means more after you read/hear the speech:


The other update I know many people are dying to find out is how my doctor's appointments went on Friday. They went good. I met with the liver specialist first and after waiting for at least 5 years in the very comfortable exam room *insert dripping sarcasm* she finally came in to talk to us. She was pretty nice and cool. She basically just explained what she would be doing in surgery which is removing two or three (?) spots from my liver. They are both close enough to the surface that they will be easy to wedge out. She gets to pick up my liver and turn it around and cut spots out of it with a cauterizing tool. How cool is that? I asked her to take pictures. It seems so unfair that all these people get to sit around looking at my insides and touching all my organs and all I get from it is a huge scar and 2 weeks in the hospital. Selfish doctors. Oh and they are going to cut me all the way to my sternum. Yucky.

Then I met with my gynecological oncologist (female organ cancer surgeon). He was really nice and took a long time with us. We decided on surgery on Tuesday, October 9th (ninth). All I can say is if I have to get another NG tube, they are going to have to put me under anesthesia to do it.

And I have an awesomely funny idea of what I'm gonna do on surgery day :) But I'm not telling it yet.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was great. Went to Sterling's cousin's wedding all day Saturday, it was gorgeous. I have a bit of a cold which totally sucks :/ But otherwise, I am doing great. I hope the smog clears out so I can run outside again!

What You Should Know Before You Decide to Get Cancer

I'm sure a lot of you think that having cancer is really fun and rosy because that is the picture I often paint. Okay, so you probably don't really think that, but in case you were considering getting cancer so that you could have more friends and get free things, I thought I should warn you of the things that might not be so great.

I'm going to list the bad things first, but you have to read the good things that come after. There is always a good and bad to every situation.

Cons:

• Menopause: its not cool. Unless you are 50 and you are supposed to have it
• Hot flashes/night sweats: sometimes its so bad I can't sleep.
  
• Acne: awesome side effect of the steroid pre-drug I have to get
• Rash: also an awesome side effect of the steroid. Right now I only have it on my hands, but you can get it on your palms and the bottom of your feet
• Losing your hair: I mean it was fun for like 2 weeks but I'm kind of tired of being a fuzz monkey. 
• Losing your eyebrows/nose hair: patchy eyebrows look dumb. Having no nose hair? Your nose constantly is runny. And stuffy. Beats me how it can be both but it is.
• Bloody noses: the Avastin makes my blood not clot and no nose hairs makes my nose dry so I get at least one bloody nose a day that lasts for 20 minutes or longer
• Health insurance: like I will ever be able to get any in the future once I am 26 and kicked off my parents
• Running: I know lots of you still think I am fast, and compared to the general public I guess I sort of am. But to go from a collegiate athlete to barely making it three miles at what I consider a snail's pace....it is really really hard
  
• Not having a reproductive system: no kids. no female hormones. No hormone replacement options because my cancer is sensitive to estrogen and progesterone
• Surgery: one surgery I thought was kind of cool, I mean everyone needs the experience right? And I thought I was going to get awesome yummy food all day and lay in bed and it was going to be fun! It turns out surgery isn't all that fun and I was too sick to eat any yummy food and the big comfy bed isn't all that comfy after nine days.
• Getting sick: On Saturday the 8th I got a slight headache. Not so big a deal right? Everyone gets a headache once in a while. Wow, no. The slightest sickness of any kind is magnified like 6000x when your body is already weak from chemo. My slight headache turned into extreme hot flashes, cold sweats, runny nose, congested sinuses, a panic attack and a head that I thought was going to explode. Glad it only lasted the night.
• Butt stomach: even though I am small, having the scar on my stomach still creates an indent that makes me look like I have a butt stomach. Yuck.

Pros: 

I know it seems weird, but there are a lot of good things that have come from having cancer.

• Losing my hair: I get to experience every length of hair I want, and I get to wear cool wigs!
• I get to be an example to hundreds, maybe even thousands, of people. I have been so blessed to able to share my experiences with people and it helps me keep a good attitude knowing that people look up to me and are watching me.
• I get to be the recipient of the INCREDIBLE generosity of people. Its not so much that I like how generous people are, but mostly it is so humbling to feel the love that others have for me. I am humbled every day by how much people are willing to sacrifice, it really is incredible. It reminds me that Heavenly Father does watch over me and cares for me through other people.
  
• New friends: I have met so many new people through this experience. I really admire the other patients, especially Dove. I've talked about him before but he is an inspiration to me. Diagnosed with terminal cancer almost 6 years ago at age 30. He has an amazing attitude and never fails to serve those around him. Every time he comes for chemo he brings treats for all the other patients and he is constantly pulling pranks and making people laugh.
• Old friends: I have been able to re-become friends with a lot of people. It seems silly that it takes a huge thing like cancer to awaken us to reach out to our old friends, but its okay that it does. I am grateful for the people I've been reacquainted with, it has been a lot of fun.
• Service: I have had a lot of opportunities to serve others in various capacities. I have also been more desirous to seek out service opportunities. I've been so blessed and taken care of by people that I want to be able to give back just a little bit to those who also need it.
  
• Faith: Everyday my faith in my Heavenly Father gets stronger. I always thought I had a testimony before, but now it is 100x better. I would be blind if I didn't see how blessed I am. I am lucky that I have had opportunities to increase my faith and that I have been able to do so. It's funny how much this trial has helped me grow and yet other much easier trials have been such a struggle for me.
  "You don't know how strong you can be until being strong is the only choice you have"
  That quote is so true. Right now being sad or discouraged or whatever emotion I "should" be because I have cancer doesn't even seem like an option. It seems natural to be happy and positive and use this experience to grow. Being sad seems ridiculous almost.

So my con list is longer than my pro list. But the pros far outweigh the cons. The things I have been blessed with are so much more important and so much bigger than the things that kind of suck. However, don't run out and go get cancer. I would still strongly suggest against it. Instead, look at my list of pros. You can have all of those blessings in your life, you just need to seek them out. I will go through cancer, and you can take what I am learning and have those blessings without the crappy cancer side effects :) Seems like a pretty good deal to me. You don't have to have a huge trial in your life to be blessed. Every single person reading this can be an example to those around them. Just remember that especially when you are going through hard things, people are watching you. What an impact you can have even on just one person by being strong in a time of hardship. And how hard it it to call up an old friend today and tell them how much you appreciate them in your life? Even if you guys haven't talked in 5 or 10 years, I guarantee that they would be so happy to hear you tell them what a great friend they were and what an influence they had on your life. As far as making new friends? That one is super hard for me. But since I got cancer I have made it a goal to make one stranger happy a day. Sometimes it just takes a smile as you pass them on the sidewalk. Sometimes a short conversation in the grocery line. It is much easier than I thought to reach out to others. 

Here starts my 3rd round....

Today is chemo #7!! I have 18 treatments, so only 11 more after this! I am almost half way done, how exciting!

I talked to my chemo doctor and she wants to finish up all my chemo before they do surgery again. In three weeks they will do another PET scan to check how things are looking and then my chemo doctor and the surgeon will discuss when to do the second surgery.

On Saturday I finally convinced Sterling to run with me!!! Isn't that great?! That makes for a total of like 3 or 4 times in our life? haha

Cute and chipper before the run

Hot and tired after the run.

We ran almost 4 miles together and he was so nice and patient with me even though I had to stop and rest a lot.

And the 5k my family is putting together is coming together!! Registration should open up tomorrow or Wednesday. Remember, its September 29th, probably at 7:30am, in Cottonwood Heights UT. The title is Fallen in Chocolate, same as my blog :) So that means there will be chocolate served! Yummy. Basically it involves my three favorite things: monkeys, chocolate and running. Couldn't be more perfect huh! If you want to help but don't want to run/walk the 5k, we need volunteers along the course and stuff so contact me if you'd be willing to donate your time :)

Looks like a good week ahead of me, hope everyone else's Monday is going as good as mine! School starts for a lot of my friends, have fun in school! Glad I don't have to start classes today. But tomorrow I take the GRE and I sure haven't prepared very much :-/ yikes. There is a young girl here in the infusion center just like me :) I am too shy to meet her, but I haven't ever seen anyone under the age of 40 hardly so its kind of cool! Maybe I will get brave before I leave today. **UPDATE** I did! I got brave. Well her mom started talking to me in the bathroom so then I got to meet her hahaha. She is 18 and has a desmoid tumor....its super super rare, only 900 new cases a year in the US. They don't even know how to treat it, she's getting chemo, but it might not even work! That would be so crappy. But it is non-metastasizing so it isn't life threatening which is good. So now I have a new friend I will see every 3rd week! Yay!!! 

Have an awesome wonderful day! Enjoy the beautiful weather. Eat chocolate.

P.S.- I have been wanting to do something cute and nice for all the other patients in the infusion center when I come to get chemo. I can't think of something that is cute, not too cheesy, but nice. I was thinking of making cards with a sun on them and saying something like "Here is a little sun to brighten a day that isn't much fun". Do you guys have any suggestions or ideas for me?? It has to be cheap cuz I'm poor, but I want to meet other patients and maybe make them feel a little better. So many people here look so tired and worn out, it makes me sad for them.

Still chuggin' on

I was worried I'd be really sick this week since I got all three drugs on Monday and not just the one, but I actually have been doing really well!! Tuesday was great, no symptoms at all and my fastest run since surgery :) That was super exciting for me. Wednesday I still felt pretty good but running was a little harder. But I was running up the canyon and this guy when he passed me said "You're beautiful!" and it really made my day :) Cuz I wouldn't pass bald old me and think I'm pretty.

Today running was....well a nice jog with a lot of rests haha. It was partly hard because I went at 10:30 when it was already hot, but I think mostly it was hard because of the treatment. Luckily other than running being a lot harder and being pretty tired yesterday I haven't really had any other side effects! I still have my awesome fuzzy head :) Its kind of fun to play with, all soft and short. Wonder if having a completely bald head will be as much fun? Guess I will find out!

I forgot about these pictures I was going to include in my last post....

This had a really pretty sunset behind us, but it got lost :(

Wooo!!! Long hair! I took this the day we left for Powell

And of course I couldn't forget about Kiki! (That is Monkey's name now). She begged me to go to Lake Powell even pulled the "but you have to take me, I have cancer!!" So she got to come and she even got to drive the boat! She wasn't much good seeing as she can't even reach the steering wheel :)

Well, off to my for real last day of class! Can't wait to be done with it! Then I really will be free allllllll day :) Tomorrow I am speaking at my in-law's youth conference and then I'm going to my cousin's drag race! Saturday I'm thinking a pool party or something :) 

Monkey Goes Under the Knife. And lives!

Well guys, I decided that monkey needed a port and a laparotomy scar. He was totally up for it, he says he wants to get better from cancer too.

Here's how it went:

He tolerated the procedure pretty well, said he felt no pain and no nausea on coming out of anesthesia. There were no complications during surgery. The scar looks like it is healing up nicely and the port is placed perfectly for access to his superior vena cava. He has almost lost all his hair, so he has started wearing head scarves. 

Here he is after surgery, still happy and alive! We now have matching scars, wristbands and ports. What a great friend!

Chemo brain....it's real

So, I experienced my first chemotherapy treatment yesterday. I first got some labs drawn (they do this pretty much every visit) and it was the first time they got to use my port. I was pretty freaked out for this part because my chest is still sensitive from getting the port in. However, I had used numbing cream before I went and it hardly hurt all all when they used the special needle to access the port.
This is what my port looks like (the purple part) and the yellow thing is the special needle they use.

I also met with the doctor and we just discussed the treatment and she answered a lot of my dad's questions and also told me the results of my pap smear (uterine biopsy). They found evidence of endomertrial cancer in my uterus soooo looks like there really is no hope of saving it :( Darn.

Anyway, after the doctor we had lunch and then checked in for chemotherapy. We waited a loooong time before they let us back. I should have taken a picture of the place! Its pretty nice. All the chairs face the large glass windows that look out over the valley, so its really pretty and bright. I got to sit in a comfortable reclining lazy boy in front of a personal TV. They hooked me up first to Benadryl to prevent an allergic reaction to the chemo drugs, some anti-nausea drugs, Tylenol and Pepcid. All stuff to prevent me getting or feeling sick. The Benadryl made me feel super sleepy :( Then......they hooked me up to the Taxol first. After about 30 seconds I started realizing what people meant by chemo brain. I felt all fuzzy and weird. And then, in the blink of an eye, I got crazy nauseous, my face felt numb, I broke out in hives and I couldn't breathe at all! It was freaky!!! They quickly stopped the infusion and put me on oxygen until I could breathe. I had a severe allergic reaction to the Taxol, it was really scary. They let me sit and catch my breathe for a little bit then hooked me up to some more Benadryl. I had to pee and when I saw my face in the mirror it was crazy! My eyes were bloodshot and my cheeks were all puffy and splotchy, I was quite a sight to see :) The Benadryl started working, which for me sucks because I think I'm allergic to it too. It makes me all twitchy and feel super weird, but I have to have it. They let the Benadryl soak in for 30 minutes and then started me back up on the Taxol. This time they slowed the rate down to half as fast as it normally is. I felt much better the second try. I was extremely tired by this point from all the Benadryl the shoved in me so I fell asleep. I slept for most of the time. Every once in a while I would wake up and talk to Sterling or watch TV with him but then I got tired and would fall asleep again. They checked in every so often to get my vitals (blood pressure, heart rate and temperature).

Skull Candy donated headphones for all the first time chemo patients. So I got these super nice things for free!

FINALLY the Taxol was done. It took more than twice as long as it should have because my body freaked out. They then flushed my system with a little saline and hooked me up to the Carboplaten. Luckily I didn't have anymore freak outs. My temperature just spiked to 104 was all.....yucky. I didn't feel all that bad though and the last hour or so I was awake watching TV and eating yummy food. Like chocolate! And granola bars. And more chocolate. In fact, I was pretty darn hungry. And super hot since my fever was so high. Eventually the carboplaten ended and I was set to go!! Yay!!!! It was 6:15 by this point and we were thinking we'd probably be out of the hospital by 3 or 4....oops :) They de-accessed my port by pulling the needle out. It was a little scary and kind of hurt, but mostly it just felt weird. Then I was good to go! I was the last patient left. Lucky me :) All in all it wasn't too bad of an experience really. Just the 15 or so minutes where I freaked out and then was all twitchy and weird. The rest was fine! And today I feel great still. Not sick yet! I even ran this morning, although I am definitely slower than before I had my port, its kind of sore still I guess.

Right before they hooked me up to anything.

Before I got my chemo drugs, and I was just hooked up to the preventative meds I met this super awesome guy getting chemo too. He has been on chemo treatments for 4 1/2 years! Oh my gosh. And he has to be on them the REST OF HIS LIFE. His cancer is terminal and either the cancer is gonna kill him or the chemo is. Wow, it made me so sad for him. He has two cute little kids, an 8 year old and a 5 year old. And he was such a funny person! He has pulled so many pranks on the poor doctor and nurses and really just has fun with his situation. It was really awesome to meet him and made me realize my situation is NOTHING compared to his! He also made me want to pull funny pranks too because it sounds really fun :) He didn't explain in much detail, but I got the idea that one time he went streaking through the infusion room with his IV!!! Hahaha that is so awesome.

So there you have it, I lived through the first treatment and it wasn't so bad at all! I hear it gets a lot worse, so I'm glad I could start out slowly and happily. I will take more pictures next time!

My awesome best friend sent me this monkey pic from the San Diego zoo on her honeymoon while I was in treatment