Can It Be the "End"?

Today is supposedly my LAST AVASTIN TREATMENT!!!!! I say supposedly because after a year of doing it, for some reason it doesn't feel like it's really going to be the end. I don't think it will really feel over until after my PET scan in January. But this is such a great Christmas present!!! Even though Avastin doesn't have the extreme side effects as a full chemo drug, after a year+ of it, the small side effects start to wear on you. I will miss coming to the infusion center because I like meeting and talking to other cancer patients. I love bringing treats to share and I love making people smile during one of the most miserable times in their lives. I hope I make the time to come back to visit as a volunteer.

I got another certificate of completion and a penguin blanket. It's official and real!!

Pictures of: My first day of chemo, my most pathetic looking self, my last day of chemo, and my last day of treatment!

I am actually really going to miss my port! I won't get it out until after my scan, but little Gouda has come to be a part of me. I don't even remember I have him most of the time. But its a great conversation killer :) If I ever want to make someone feel awkward, all I have to do it make them ask "what is that?" "Oh, its just my port. I had cancer" .....silence.....awkward stammering.....mention of how they know someone who went through cancer......silence.....change of subject. Hahaha. Am I evil that I think this recurring conversation is great? Probably.

I was thinking about life the other day. I have a passion for it. A passion for life I mean. I love living. I LOVE adventures. I love the unknown. I love change. Have I always been this way? Did I have the same passion for life before cancer and divorce? As I pondered these questions, I concluded that, yes, I have always had a passion for life. However, I have not always been as expressive or true to myself as I am now. Going through the fire and brimstone the past two years have brought me has strengthened my sense of self and lowered how much I care what other people think of me. I am not afraid to be myself anymore because I don't care if people think I'm weird or not cool. Because I am weird sometimes! Weird and crazy and funny and reserved and adventurous and silly.

Case in point. I found a wand. An icicle to some. A wand to me. 

Go, live your dream! Beeeeeee yourself! Let it go, don't hold back anymore.

Just a few tidbits of Disney advice :) (Tangled, Aladdin, Frozen) If you haven't seen Frozen yet, SEE IT NOW. It was soooooo good. I liked it almost as much, maybe even equal to Tangled. And you all know how much I love Tangled. The music was amazing. The princesses were beautiful and spunky. And the "prince charming" was actually a man you'd want your daughter to marry. I loved the message of the song "Let it Go". All her life Elsa has been holding herself back, forcing herself not to feel--hiding her emotions. I feel like I've done a lot of that in my life. I think most people have. But holding back and suppressing herself like she has done her whole life only leads to trouble. It's only when she finally lets go that things work out and she is finally happy. So let go! Be yourself. 

Another way to say it is YOLO! This is the motto of the new generation--You Only Live Once. While it is silly and trendy, it's true. You do only live once. So enjoy it! I have a severe case of wanderlust: strong longing or impulse toward wandering and/or travel. I finally am at a point in my life that I can do the things I want. I loved being an athlete at UVU, but it was quite a commitment. Now I am committed to nothing and to nobody. It's great. I love being in charge of myself. I am still planning on traveling to Thailand for at least a month or two or maybe three or four. Or if my friend commits to it, we will backpack southeast Asia together for 5 weeks. Either way, it is going to be quite the adventure!

      

To end, here is a good article that kind of describes what it's like to be a "cancer person". Maybe it will give people a little insight into what it's like.
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html

You never know what you are capable of until you try

Diamond from the Rough

You know the saying that diamonds are just pieces of charcoal that handled pressure extremely well? Well I am planning on becoming one dang beautiful perfect huge sparkly diamond. Yep. That's the plan.

On a side note, I have been way busy and having so much fun! I don't know how anybody has a full time job; how do people have time to socialize and do fun things?? I have the greatest friends and family.

I really hate being cliche so I'm not going to write a whole post about my incredible mom even though she absolutely deserves it! But I will give her a little shout out. I have such an awesome mother. She takes such great care of me and does SO much for me. She has helped me so much, especially lately. She was the most amazing care-giver any cancer patient could ever ask for and she continues to spend so much time doing things for me. This year I gave her a really special Mother's Day present. My uncle Dave Despain (pianist for The Salamanders...awesome band, you should check them out on Facebook) helped me record a CD for my mom of a bunch of her favorite songs! I played viola and he accompanied me on piano. It was so much fun and turned out amazing. It was really fun to give it to her :) We did songs from Phantom of the Opera, Les Misreable, Sound of Music, some church hymns, etc. This is the picture I put on the cover :) She was patient with me for so long as a kid, forcing me to practice and making me stick with it. I'm so glad she did! Thank you Mom for teaching me not to give up. It's a lesson I've definitely needed in my life.

The best Mother's Day present for all of us was getting to talk to our missionary Josh! He is doing so well. He has grown up a lot and is so responsible and happy and outgoing. It was really fun getting to talk to him. He is serving in the Anaheim California mission and is currently located in the Yorba Linda area. Such a stud.

So Friday it rained. I love the rain. Like really truly LOVE the rain. It was the most perfect kind of rain there is. The sun was still shining through the clouds, it was warm, and there was a beautiful vibrant rainbow shining the whole time. It was a lovely evening at the park. I'm grateful for rainbows. I know that they are God's way of telling us that everything is going to be okay. I know that everything IS going to be okay.

I took this on my phone at the park.

I got to go dirt-biking with my dad and brother at a motocross track in North Salt Lake. It is super fun to go to because there are huge jumps. I forgot how much I like to dirtbike. It's been a really long time since I went!

I also got to go to the Tulip Festival at Thanksgiving Point. It was pretty! 

One night I even went rock climbing! It was awesome. By the end I thought my arms were going to fall off. I couldn't even grab the rocks anymore. I wish it was cheaper to do it because it is so much fun. I need to find someone that will take me in the outdoors that already has equipment ;)

Everyone was pooped.....especially Zack :) hahaha. We all felt like he looks.

My cousin Rachel graduated in Psychology from the University of Utah!!! Yay! We got to go to her graduation and out to dinner at Taggart's after. Graduating is the best. No more school! At least for a while....

Apparently Taggart's has a peacock theme. Never seen a peacock in real life so close before!

And this is my awesome Aunt Debbie. I am going to visit her in Las Vegas this weekend, I am SOOO excited. Hot sunny days by the pool and nothing to worry about. I can't wait.

This past weekend we went to my dad's lake. It was a perfect day and we had a ton of fun. Koda especially liked it. I guess he likes to swim :) Such a cute little bugger.

He's getting real big. I love him. And Koda and Gizmo are starting to get along better now. They even snuggled on the couch tonight.

One of the coolest things I've done lately was get to see Cassadee Pope in concert! It was a tiny little event with maybe 30 people. We got to meet her after and talk to her and hug her. She is adorable and the nicest person ever! For those of you who have no idea who she is, she won The Voice last season. She played her new music for us and we got to hear the single she's going to release on June 4th on The Voice! It was incredible. My cousin Brittany was dying; it was so fun. Plus I have always wanted to meet a famous person and now I have!

She is seriously so pretty.

And we were totally freaking out. At least I was. Obviously. I'm such a nerd.

I have her SIGNED poster hanging in my closet :)

Also, I have become hooked on Gilmore Girls. It has saved my life. Thank you to Lorelai Gilmore for teaching me how to me social and funny. Her and Rory are the best date night buddies :)

My cousin Brittany let me borrow her whole collection. Like I said, I have awesome friends and family.

Well I know reading about my normal mundane life is pretty boring so here is a cancer related sentence or two. I am feeling pretty good. My hair just keeps growing like a weed, I even think I'm needing a haircut. So if anybody knows a really good hairstylist that can cut short hair well please recommend them to me! I'm scared to just go to anyone. I really want a cute pixie and I'm nervous to have someone ruin it if they aren't good at short hair. I had a cold about 2 weeks ago and it took me a while to recover from that but I think I finally am feeling good again. I've been running and even trying to go to the gym. I guess I have osteoporosis now :/ pretty weird for an (almost) 23 year old, but such is life! I just have to keep lifting weights and running and try to eat healthy!

New Normal

It has been AGES since I wrote a blog post. I know. I'm sorry. It's like my journal, I am sooooo good at it for months and months and then all the sudden I fall out of the habit and can't get back into it. Mostly I just got busy and then when I wanted to write about something I didn't have pictures for it so I thought it'd be too boring to write about. But this blog is my journal now and I know I'm going to want to write things down so I can read back over them later or maybe, just maybe, my future kids might want to read it. Who knows.

I got a job about 2 weeks ago! I only work Monday, Wedneday and Friday but I feel so busy and I haven't had time to write. Okay I obviously have all day on Tuesday or Thursday or Saturday or Sunday but......I feel like I have been busy haha. I am working as a physical therapy aide at Performance Rehab Clinic in Draper of 12300 S. I work from 7:30am to 2:30 or 3pm. Then I change into my running clothes and run from work and then I get home around 4:30ish. I have been having a ton of fun and I really am enjoying what I do. I definitely don't do it for the pay...but it is great experience and I like it which is important.

I wrote at the beginning of February that I was finally feeling back to normal......I must have forgotten what "normal" felt like because now at the beginning of March I am realizing that even just a month ago I was far from normal! I cannot believe how much different I feel now! I didn't realize it until I went skiing yesterday and I was able to ski all day, hard, without needing a break every 5 minutes or feeling like I was going to die. I didn't remember that you shouldn't feel like you are going to collapse after one really hard run. I didn't remember what it felt like to be able to breathe without feeling sick to my stomach. I didn't remember that when I go running I shouldn't feel like I'm going to pass out after 15 minutes. All of these things I am able to do lately and it is so incredible!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel AMAZING. I can wake up at 6:30 in the morning and function all day. I can stay up till midnight without becoming a zombie (I mean I'm still an early to bed kind of gal but if needed, I can stay up). I am back up to running 5 1/2 to 6 1/2 miles a day. Two Saturdays ago I ran for 7 miles! And I did 41 minutes without stopping. On Friday I ran the last three miles of my six mile run at an under 8 min/mile pace :) I seriously did not realize how tired I had been the past 8 months of my life. Maybe even longer. I think the cancer in me was making me fatigued even before I started chemo.

I am so incredibly grateful every single day for my health and my body and my energy. I sometimes want to cry because I feel SO much better I can't even comprehend it. My hair is finally a cute length. I can style it cute and in the next month or so I can probably even get a hair cut! Never thought I'd be excited to be able to have a hair cut haha.

I titled this post "new normal" because even though I am feeling "normal", normal will never be the same for me. I have really struggled with some of the after effects of cancer. Like having a 10 inch scar down my stomach that makes it all lumpy and misshapen. And having a weird belly button that I have to clean out (who cleans their belly button?) And having the metabolism of a post-menopausal lady. Just things that I am learning to live with and accept. Some days I do better than other days, just like anyone. Although I do think that surgeons should have to take a semester's worth of plastic surgery courses. Just sayin' ;)

My brother Josh has been in the MTC for 12 days now. He is really enjoying it and sounds so happy. I've only heard from him twice but both times he just sounded like he was enjoying it a lot. He got to give his first priesthood blessing this last week and he got to use my cancer story to help an investigator he was teaching :) I am glad he's doing well. He seems to really be flourishing. He leaves for the field in California on Tuesday. My sister-in-law leaves for her mission on Wednesday. SO crazy. She's really excited too.

Okay I have like 3 more posts I need to write this week so come back for more updates :) Sorry this post was so much talk and so little pictures, not as much fun to read, I know, but it's stuff I gotta say, at least for myself.

P.S. That last sentence had four commas. Pretty sure any English teacher would kill me.