Can It Be the "End"?

Today is supposedly my LAST AVASTIN TREATMENT!!!!! I say supposedly because after a year of doing it, for some reason it doesn't feel like it's really going to be the end. I don't think it will really feel over until after my PET scan in January. But this is such a great Christmas present!!! Even though Avastin doesn't have the extreme side effects as a full chemo drug, after a year+ of it, the small side effects start to wear on you. I will miss coming to the infusion center because I like meeting and talking to other cancer patients. I love bringing treats to share and I love making people smile during one of the most miserable times in their lives. I hope I make the time to come back to visit as a volunteer.

I got another certificate of completion and a penguin blanket. It's official and real!!

Pictures of: My first day of chemo, my most pathetic looking self, my last day of chemo, and my last day of treatment!

I am actually really going to miss my port! I won't get it out until after my scan, but little Gouda has come to be a part of me. I don't even remember I have him most of the time. But its a great conversation killer :) If I ever want to make someone feel awkward, all I have to do it make them ask "what is that?" "Oh, its just my port. I had cancer" .....silence.....awkward stammering.....mention of how they know someone who went through cancer......silence.....change of subject. Hahaha. Am I evil that I think this recurring conversation is great? Probably.

I was thinking about life the other day. I have a passion for it. A passion for life I mean. I love living. I LOVE adventures. I love the unknown. I love change. Have I always been this way? Did I have the same passion for life before cancer and divorce? As I pondered these questions, I concluded that, yes, I have always had a passion for life. However, I have not always been as expressive or true to myself as I am now. Going through the fire and brimstone the past two years have brought me has strengthened my sense of self and lowered how much I care what other people think of me. I am not afraid to be myself anymore because I don't care if people think I'm weird or not cool. Because I am weird sometimes! Weird and crazy and funny and reserved and adventurous and silly.

Case in point. I found a wand. An icicle to some. A wand to me. 

Go, live your dream! Beeeeeee yourself! Let it go, don't hold back anymore.

Just a few tidbits of Disney advice :) (Tangled, Aladdin, Frozen) If you haven't seen Frozen yet, SEE IT NOW. It was soooooo good. I liked it almost as much, maybe even equal to Tangled. And you all know how much I love Tangled. The music was amazing. The princesses were beautiful and spunky. And the "prince charming" was actually a man you'd want your daughter to marry. I loved the message of the song "Let it Go". All her life Elsa has been holding herself back, forcing herself not to feel--hiding her emotions. I feel like I've done a lot of that in my life. I think most people have. But holding back and suppressing herself like she has done her whole life only leads to trouble. It's only when she finally lets go that things work out and she is finally happy. So let go! Be yourself. 

Another way to say it is YOLO! This is the motto of the new generation--You Only Live Once. While it is silly and trendy, it's true. You do only live once. So enjoy it! I have a severe case of wanderlust: strong longing or impulse toward wandering and/or travel. I finally am at a point in my life that I can do the things I want. I loved being an athlete at UVU, but it was quite a commitment. Now I am committed to nothing and to nobody. It's great. I love being in charge of myself. I am still planning on traveling to Thailand for at least a month or two or maybe three or four. Or if my friend commits to it, we will backpack southeast Asia together for 5 weeks. Either way, it is going to be quite the adventure!

      

To end, here is a good article that kind of describes what it's like to be a "cancer person". Maybe it will give people a little insight into what it's like.
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jeff-tomczek/cancer-advice_b_1628266.html

You never know what you are capable of until you try

Wanna Know a Secret?

Wanna know a secret? Life rocks. Like really rocks. I love my life. I loved summer. I love fall. I love traveling. I love crafts and running and being outside and the mountains and my dog and my friends and my family.

Frolicking. I love crunching leaves.

I've been busy living the past couple months which is why its been over two months since I last posted! I mean with Instagram and Facebook these days most people have a day to day update of my life. But those social media platforms are not the place for sharing feelings and in depth details so, for my future posterity's sake, I am going to update this public journal of mine (because yes I do believe my children will read my blog someday and see how awesome and amazing and fun I am....hahahaha. Insert funny meme here).

Rainbows are one of my favorite things in this world. Last summer I was having a REALLY hard day. I prayed for help and strength and courage and peace and when I looked up there was one of the brightest rainbows I've ever seen. And the most peaceful, warm feeling enveloped me like a hug and since then rainbows have been very special in my life. This particular rainbow is from hiking King's Peak in September/

Summer was amazing. I worked a lot but I also played a lot. I got really into rock climbing. I LOVE to boulder. I even am getting kind of good at it! I mean for a beginner anyway. I got to hike King's Peak, the highest peak in Utah which was super awesome!!! It was so much fun and I realized that I love backpacking. A lot. I also realized that all the outdoor things I love to do are extremely expensive because you have to get all sorts of gear and such! How lame. I am still working at Zion's as a teller which even though it sounds like a lame dumb job is really fun. I get to meet and talk to all sorts of crazy and interesting people. I love it. I love the sweet elderly people that come in and want to stay and talk to me forever because they are probably lonely and going to the bank is their social interaction for the day.

I recently got back from a five day trip to New York. First of all, I am a mountain girl. I would die without them. But there is something about New York City that I absolutely love. I could definitely live there and be a real city girl. For like a year probably. It's my favorite favorite big city. But I actually spent most of the time in upstate New York in the teeny tiny town of Chestertown. It was SO incredibly beautiful I can't even describe. Every single time my eyes were open my breath was taken away at the beauty of my surroundings. Like dang, Heavenly Father is the most incredible artist there has ever been. Obviously. But still. It amazes me. I was a bridesmaid in a long-time (since middle school) friend's wedding. It was so fun! I got to wear a super cute dress and walk down the aisle and see her and meet a ton of new friends and cool people. 

Forgive me, its a selfie while I was running.

Is it ridiculous that I feel extremely overwhelmed and sad that there are so many amazing and cool people in this world that I will never get to meet? I met lots of awesome people and friends at the wedding that I would have never met without it and I realized that there are so many incredible people that I'd love to meet and might not ever get to! That's why I might have to become a hippie bum traveler. A new age nomad. "Hold me fast cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer" [lyrics from one of my favorite bands, Mumford & Sons]

I felt like a real grown-up traveling all by myself. Especially on the last day when I got to wander NYC alone. I went to my favorite gluten-free bakery, my favorite dessert place, ate lunch in central park, and of course wandered aimlessly around times square area....checking out cheap clothes. And of course I spent a while in a bookstore. Sorry for my Facebook friends that have already seen all these pictures....but I had to put them on the blog too!

Cancer......its a funny thing. People ask me all the time, "so....like....is it gone now? Like, are you good?" Well, I mean, yes, there is no evidence of cancer in my body but is cancer really ever gone? I don't feel that I can just walk around saying, "I don't have cancer" because I think I'll always "have" it. Cancer isn't something that just goes away. Maybe the dumb little cells that multiply and destroy the insides of your body will stop growing, but the side effects and the doctors visits and the small voice of worry that you pretend isn't there never go away. Especially since I'm still finishing up my maintenance/preventative drug Avastin, I don't feel like I'm done with the whole cancer thing. I still go to the hospital every three weeks. I still sit there for at least an hour, hooked up to an IV tower. I still see my doctors. I still have cancer friends. My mom is trying to get me into a clinical trial that is working on developing a vaccine-like treatment. I would travel to either Dallas, TX or Buffalo, NY once a month to get the drug. So is my cancer gone? No. It's not. It never will be. It will always be a part of me. There's a lot of long-term side effects to chemo that nobody thinks about. Being done with chemotherapy doesn't mean everything is happy daisies and rainbows and you are a normal healthy person all the sudden. Fortunately for me, I am very healthy and happy and have very minimal lasting side effects. Some of my friends aren't so lucky. It's just something we cancer people deal with that others don't understand. I think that's my point of this rambling--to maybe help others understand that cancer isn't like a broken bone. It's not something that heals and then goes away and is something you remember when trying to think of a good story to tell. Maybe in twenty years I'll feel differently, who knows?

Banana man....this is my friend Dov that I've mentioned a few times here on the blog. He is the ultimate example of bravery, courage and humor when it comes to dealing with life, and cancer in particular. Talk about never ending, he's been in treatment for six years. This is his way of dealing with it. Not only does it help lighten things up for him, it really inspires and helps other people. He gets nervous on scan days so naturally dressing up as a sexy banana makes it easier to handle :)

I only have three treatments left though! My last treatment is scheduled for December 10th :) And sometime after that I will get my port taken out! I think I might miss my little Gouda buddy. I've gotten so used to having it now that its going to be sad to take it out. I mean like just a little sad. 

So the next thing on my bucket list that I'd like to do is fly to the cheapest destination that is offered for the weekend. Just randomly pick up and go. My next weekend off I'm going to do it. Not sure how you search for "cheapest airline ticket right this second" but I'm going to figure it out. Even if I end up somewhere random like the middle of Kansas. Won't that be fun! 

I found this song on Pandora a while ago and fell in love! One day I wanted to listen to it, so naturally I searched for it on Youtube. Turns out its the cutest Youtube video in world history and now I'm even more in love! I had to share. If at least only for my Camp friends to enjoy :)

Also, this quote from general conference gave me real hope in the boys of this world. Love like this must exist somewhere. Can you imagine a love like this?

I realized as I've been working and meeting lots of people that there are quite a few angry people in this world. I think I have a lot of legitimate reasons to be a pretty angry person. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I was truly angry. Annoyed yes. Bugged yes. Indignant once. But like blow up-yelling-wanting-to-punch-something angry? Nah. Not my style. I have a forgiving disposition. And man is my life so much the better for it. It's a lifestyle I think more people should adopt. To the lady that got F-word-in-my-face angry at me at the bank for miscounting her money....I'm really really sorry. It was an accident. I'm not a money counting robot. If only you knew what has gone on behind my fohawk and name tag. And if only I knew what you were going through. Then maybe we'd have more compassion and kindness to each other.

I think that if I could have one sentence said about me on my headstone it'd be that because of me, someone didn't give up. I hope that I can be a tool in God's hands to inspire others. Even just a tiny bit. Even just one person. Then everything I've been though, the cancer, and the getting un=married thing, then it would be worth it. Actually, I think it already has been worth it. I understand life and God's plan and feel His love more than I ever could have without my experiences.

I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.

Loon Lake, New York

Salt Lake City, UT

Lastly, (for now), I learned how to use a chainsaw and an axe recently! I'm not very good with an axe so I'm crossing axe murderer off my list of possible career choices, but I was quite decent with a chainsaw so chainsaw massacre-ist is still in the running. If only I had a picture of these monumentous events of my life.

Till next time, au revoir. Peace love and happiness. 

I dare you to do something brave today.

1 Year, 2 Surgeries, 18 Chemo Treatments

One year ago today I was diagnosed with Stage IV Ovarian cancer. Little did I know it would be the easier of my upcoming trials for the year. I sure have learned a lot and grown in ways I would have never imagined. I'm more grateful for life and less afraid of expressing myself. I have learned to tell people that I care about them and to make time to spend with friends and family. I've been more blessed than I could have dreamed. Life is sure hard sometimes. I know I've said it before but the only way to handle hard things is to live life one day at a time. Make the most of every moment you have. I'm grateful for the growth I've experienced this year. I've had some really hard things but I know that everything happens for a reason.

To celebrate my 1 year since diagnosis anniversary, I of course am spending it at no better place than the good old Huntsman Center getting my maintenance drug infusion. I'm lucky to have such a sweet mom that is willing to spend her Friday morning sitting around with me. Later today we will be heading to Logan for the Little Red Riding Hood bike ride. I did it last year less than 2 days after my diagnosis and before my first surgery. It really means a lot to me to be able to ride,  this year cancer free. We are planning on doing seventy miles!

Last night I got to have a girl's night with the most adorable little girl, my sweet cousin. We had lots of fun together. We went swimming,  painted pictures,  played with dolls, watched Tangled, made brownies and ate them warm with ice cream. How precious little children are. So sweet and just think the world of you. Even playing dolls was fun :)

And I always have to include a picture of Koda....I got him a new frisbee without a center so he can pick it up easier. He loves it. And loves to wear it haha. I love the little guy.

Wish me luck on the bike ride tomorrow!!! I'm a little nervous, 70 miles is pretty far! But I did run NINE miles yesterday without dying so I think I'm getting back in shape :)