Healing at Home

I got to come home on Tuesday! Best day ever. It actually wasn't that good of a day, I was sick and sore and not feeling very well, but I'd much rather feel like that at home than in the hospital!

Leaving the hospital

It has taken me a long time to write a post about everything because I don't really have anything great to say about the hospital stay. It sucked. Being in the hospital sucks. It is miserable and uncomfortable and noisy. Yeah, the nurses are all super nice and they'd do anything for you. They try to make the stay as good as possible. But its just not fun. What was fun though was when my mom's dog Gizmo got to come visit me! He was a wuss and all nervous and weird being in the hospital but it was fun to have him come anyway.

Before I left, I also drew a picture for my friend Jennifer who got surgery the same day as me. She was two doors down. I thought we'd see a lot more of each other in the hospital but we both laid in bed too much instead haha.

I am so happy being at home in my own bed, on my own couch, with no one waking me up every 4 hours to check my blood pressure and heart rate. No more beeping IV bags saying "infusion complete". No more beautiful hospital gown. No more waking up at 5am to the prick of a needle so they can run blood tests on you (every single morning!). However, I did make it out of the hospital without having to get a bloody NG tube shoved down my nose and throat!!!!! That was the absolute best part of this surgery :)

I can't wait to get my puppy!! It seems like that is all I think about and everyone keeps asking me about it. I think we're going to pick him up next Saturday. He'll be almost 7 weeks old by then. He is soooo cute. Yesterday we went to visit him and it made me so happy. Then we bought him some puppy food and the cutest little Halloween Frankenstein sweater :) he he he. We also got him some shampoo cuz man he stinks! He's living in a barn with a bunch of other dogs right now so the first thing that's happening when he gets home is a bath.

Anyway, I am healing up nicely. Today I got my staples out! YES. I hated those things. Not only did they look hideous, but I feel so much better without them in. I am still sore and move around slowly, but I am not in a lot of pain. I finally was able to eat a decent amount of food Wednesday, and today I am eating pretty good. In all, I feel pretty good, but I can't wait until I can move around with no limitations. It is definitely harder coming out of this second surgery, last time was easier to go with the flow and not be so antsy and frustrated. I know I'll be better in no time though! Hopefully next week I can move around and not be sore every time I try to bend over or stretch my tummy.

Peace.

Staples are the New Zipper

HI. Today is my 4th day being in the hospital. It's hard to write posts in the hospital so sorry I haven't updated since surgery! Also I apologize now for spelling and grammatical errors....my brain is all fuzzy :)

The surgery on Tuesday went great! It was only about 3 hours long which was a little shorter than expected. The removed my uterus, ovary, all surrounding lining, 2 spots on my liver and a section of my diaphragm. The doctors feel very confident that they removed all visible evidence of cancer and that chemotherapy will take care if there is any remaining. And they remembered to take pictures!!! I have a picture of my liver, of them holding me open, and of my uterus and ovary in a bucket. It's pretty cool but I didn't think everyone would want to see them so I didn't put them on my blog. The doctors got quite a laugh out of my zipper tattoo, they really liked it.

Headed to the hospital

The chemo doctor hasn't quite decided what our future course of treatment may be. They will probably change one of the drugs I'm on to something else, and I will probably have 12 more weeks to finish instead of 9, but that could all very likely change. She also said that they can start chemo as soon as 2 weeks after surgery! But they will wait 3-4 for me

I have been kind of mobile. In the mornings I am pretty awake and alert and able to get out of bed or at least be awake and visit. But the past couple days by 2 I am completely wiped out and pretty much sleep the rest of the day!! So sorry to any visitors that have come and I was just sleeping the whole time. A lot of people have been asking my parents if they can come visit. Please just direct all questions to me or Sterling. We are fine to answer questions. I have been fine having visitors, but like I said I have slept through most of them.

me sleeping. All these pictures kind of look the same....sorry

Yesterday my beautiful cousin Shaeley came and we did a Halloween craft!!!! It was so much fun! I had such a good time, it was such a fun thing to do and easier than just trying to have conversation the whole time.

She spray painted mason jars and then we painted cool Halloween things on them.

Today I finally showered!! Well got washed with a washcloth...but it felt so good to get washed and put a clean gown on. I luckily haven'r been sick/nauseous at all yet which is awesome. And this morning my stomach was making gurgling noises which means it wants to start working! I have been able to eat popsicles and smoothies. I think I am doing much better than last time but I think I am in more pain. They cut me good! For those of you who haven't seen this picture on Facebook, here is a picture of my new scar. It stapled shut with 43 staples! Yikes, I can only imagine getting them taken out!

Hope I keep feelin' good and that I can go home soon! I CANT WAIT TO GET MY PUPPY!!!!!!

Zipped Up and Ready to Go

Well, today was my last day before surgery! I have to be to the Huntsman at SIX IN THE MORNING. Holy cow, who do these doctors think they are? At least I won't have to wait around all morning for it. Surgery is at 7:30.

I went for my last run for a couple months this morning. It was a balmy 30 degrees! It was really nice to get out one last time for a while. Sterling has been so awesome and has been running with me every day for a week or two.

Me and my best friend Try

I also got to go to lunch with my family. We ate at Corner Bakery. Then I had to finish up a ton of homework since I am still in online classes. I got it all finished though! Phew, such a relief.

Then I got to have FHE with one of my bestest friends Brooke. Her and her husband came to see our new house. It was fun to catch up.

So.....this is what the doctors are going to lift up my hospital gown and find:

The zipper will go over my current scar, and the dotted lines will go up to my sternum. The two notes say "Don't forget to take pictures!" and "Please don't let me have a colostomy bag!"  

hahaha, I wonder if they will think I am funny or if they will be annoyed because they have to clean it off. I will take a picture of my actually stomach tomorrow, but I didn't want the marker to smear in my sleep. In case you don't know, they are going to be doing a full hysterectomy, removing 2-3 spots on my liver and possibly a spot near my colon. The surgery is scheduled for 7:30am and will last anywhere from 4-6 hours. Well, they told me 4 but I'm sure it will be longer than that.

I am definitely dreading it A LOT more than last time since I know more what to expect this time. It is a lot harder going in knowing how miserable it is! But I also know better what to bring and I am more determined to get out of there fast! I have made it a goal to walk a mile every day, even if it takes me all day to do it. A mile is 12 laps around the hallway so I could go 2 laps every 6 hours.

Wish me luck! Think about me! They are cutting me open all the way to my sternum!!! Yucky :( :(

To Be a Mother

A few people have inadvertently made some kind of insensitive remarks to me and so I decided to write this post....This is a personal blog so this post is personal and honest...

By far the hardest part of this cancer journey for me has been when they told me that I didn't have an option, my uterus and other ovary needed to come out. This was especially hard because they had originally told me I would get to keep them so I was not at all prepared to hear this news. It's a really hard thing to hear that you will never be able to have children of your own. I know that in the past I have not been the biggest fan of children. I didn't want them for still like 5 more years....but I have always wanted them sometime. Its hard enough for me to love other people's children and I was really looking forward to having something grow inside me and give me 9 months to learn to love. There is something so special about that bond and to know that I will never get to have that now is really really hard for me. I don't like other people's kids, how am I supposed to just take someone's random baby they don't want and pretend it is my own? I know that when the time comes that it won't be like that, but right now, that is what it feels like to me.

I am not trying to make everyone feel bad for me, nor am I feeling sorry for myself. I just want to put this trial in perspective for myself and others so maybe people will understand how much certain comments hurt to hear. To have a child of your own seed is the greatest most beautiful blessing on this earth. It is the entire purpose of Heavenly Father's plan for us. And now to take away that one beautiful gift of being a woman is kind of like losing one's identity and purpose.

There are a lot of things that I will never get to experience. I will never get to send out cute "BUMP AHEAD" baby announcements. I will never get the joy and anticipation of getting an ultrasound and seeing the little alien inside me that is mine, created by ME! I will never get to know what my little children would look like with half Sterling DNA and half Kalina DNA. I won't get to be fat for 9 months or say "Oh, I'll have some more, I'm eating for two!". I'll never get to wear ugly maternity clothes or get stretch marks. When my bladder falls and I pee my pants every time I laugh I wont be able to blame my kids "I didn't have this problem till I got pregnant with you" hahaha. Oh there's a lot of super awesome things that I am really sad that I will never get to experience.

There are some things that seem like they'd be nice, like oh I won't have a period anymore, I won't have to worry about birth control, I won't get fat, but honestly I'd rather get to have all those things. You never know how great something is until you don't have it anymore. I definitely have a much more sacred understanding of motherhood than I ever did before. It makes me sorry that I was disrespectful and not very excited about having my own kids. But my trials have made me understand things that I didn't before and I have a much more mature and selfless attitude about the whole having a baby thing now.

I know though that there are so many incredible blessings in store for me. I've heard cool adoption stories and I know everyone says you love them as your own. I am sure I will believe them when I go through it, but I don't...not yet. 

I hate hearing adoption stories of "yeah she couldn't have kids forever so they adopted 5 and then one day she found out she was pregnant, isn't that amazing?!" No, that is not amazing because guess what, that won't happen to me! Thanks for rubbing it in. I also hate "well you didn't really want kids anyway so now you don't have to worry about it!" Oh....lucky me. Thank you.

Just saying :) I am not negative about the situation, just a little sad, and I know that good things will come of it. I know that I need this trial for some reason or another and I know that through it I will be blessed and I will be able to bless the lives of others. I will get to give a child a loving and nurturing home when they weren't going to have that option. I am not as sad as I was at first, and I am learning to accept it. But women out there that can have kids, you be so grateful. It is an amazing blessing. I am so jealous and I never ever thought I would say that.