I Am Lovely

I've debated sharing this for a really long time....but I think it's time.


I love the lyrics in this song-- I feel lovely just the way that I am

In a way, this post is a love letter to myself. A lot of people might think I have the best self-esteem in the world. I mean, I have everything going for me so of course I think I'm great, right? Not always so. I've battled body image issues since high school. At times it has been worse than others. Particularly my last two years of college. I was married and a highly competitive college athlete (which alone spells disaster for body image problems). I got really sick for a while and dropped a ton of weight. Then it went to my head. I loved it. And then since I was working out so much and so hard, the weight stayed off even when I got better and started eating gluten free. Also, I think subconsciously I knew I wasn't as happily married as I thought I was. Obviously I didn't see it at the time. But as time wore on, the view I had of myself became more and more warped. I was freaking out when I started to gain weight my senior year of college (Spring 2012). Then I was diagnosed with cancer. They removed 3 huge tumors and I was in the hospital for 9 days not eating anything because I was so sick. I dropped all that weight again. It was great. Then I found out about my husband's infidelity. Now I am NOT blaming him for my eating disorder or my body image problems. To his credit he tried to do all he could to make me like my body. However, hating myself and my body became the way I dealt with the problems and stress in my life. I was happy in every other way. I was dealing with cancer and treatment and making the most of life. I was working through marital problems best I could. But my body became the thing I took out my stress and anger on. It got to the point that I couldn't think about anything else except how fat my legs were and how skinny every other girl's legs looked. I let it consume me. I tried everything I could to be anorexic (now I say try because 1. I love food 2. I love to run 3. You can't run well on no food and 4. I have very little willpower). I tried everything I could to be bulimic. [Un]Fortunately, I guess I have been blessed with a gag reflex of steel because not a thing in the world could make me throw up (except being in the hospital for 9 days).

I hated myself. Literally. It was terrible. Finally, I broke away from the unhappy situation I was in. I moved home. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I didn't have to deal with anything. I had a broken heart and time on my hands. My family embraced me. I did things with them. I did things with my girlfriends. And most importantly I went to cancer camp. I had friends who loved me more than I've ever had a friend love me. They loved me because of my smile, my happy attitude, my love for life and adventure. And suddenly my body wasn't me. I was me. My character was me. It didn't matter what I looked like or where I came from.

It's still taken time, I still would love to have skinnier legs (and no, no matter what you tell me, your words cannot change my perception of myself). See that's the problem with having a body image disorder, it doesn't matter what people think or say to you. Every person in the world could have told me I was the prettiest, skinniest girl they knew and it wouldn't have changed my view of myself. It's hard because when I felt that way, I wanted everyone to look at me and think "wow, she's so skinny" and yet I wouldn't believe it if someone told me. Or if I did hear it, I would force myself to fulfill that expectation and it would just perpetuate a vicious cycle. I had someone tell me "wow, you've really gained a lot of weight haven't you?" It just about killed me. I knew they meant that I didn't look sick from chemo anymore. But my brain heard those words as "you are a huge fat whale. FAT FAT FAT".

In our world today, hearing about one's body is inevitable. It's nice to hear someone say you have a nice body or nice legs or you are pretty or whatever. Everyone likes those compliments. No one likes "you've put on some weight, you're looking good" no matter how kind the intent is behind it. Well I bet some people do like that actually. I don't. At all.

I don't know exactly what has happened that has helped me love myself. I think a lot of has to do with getting out of a destructive and loveless relationship.(Like I said before, it wasn't his fault. My own problems were just exacerbated by the problems in my life). A lot of it is that I'm not competing as a college athlete in a situation where my body is everything; where you constantly compare yourself to every girl that is faster and come to the conclusion that if you were just a few pounds skinner you'd be able to shave an extra 10 seconds off your mile. A lot of it is that I have learned to be independent again. I'm not relying on someone else to make me happy. You can never rely on someone else to provide for your happiness. Especially in a marriage relationship. You HAVE to be happy all by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. A spouse should add to your happiness. Not create it.

For whatever reason, for the first time in my life, what other people think of me doesn't affect how happy I am. This is why we have trials. This is why you hear cliche phrases like "trials are blessings in disguise", "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God gives us trials in order for us to become more like Him". Everyone has to learn to stand on their own feet no matter how many times the storm knocks you down. That's why every person's storm is different. We each have to go through the storm that will teach us the lessons we personally need to learn and that we couldn't learn any other way.

What inspired me to finally admit and talk about my struggle? I looked in my swimsuit drawer today and saw my old bikinis (yep, sorry I am very immodest. Judge away). When I had surgery I thought I would never wear them again. When I had my second surgery I KNEW I would never wear them again. My stomach was hideous. It was lumpy and misshapen with a weirdo belly button and a huge nasty scar. But today I looked at those skimpy pieces of clothing in my drawer and I pulled them out. I tried them on. I looked in the mirror. And I didn't hate what I saw. I didn't see a nasty hideous stomach. I still saw just me. Just little old me who is the same no matter what I'm wearing. (Of course time has smoothed out my weird lumps and bumps and my belly button has gotten a little more normal so that helps :) haha). Just to try and give you an idea of the extent of how much I hated my scar and my stomach, I have to admit that I chewed out my surgeon for making me so ugly. Like literally. I told him, "you did a terrible job on my scar. Why couldn't you have made me less bumpy with a prettier belly button. I need plastic surgery to fix it". He replied "well that wasn't very nice" and immediately I felt like the meanest most horrible person in the world. Because I had been planning that retort for months. And I thought for sure I'd be getting plastic surgery. Can you believe how vain I am?

I never ever thought in a million years I would let people look at my stomach. Remember this first picture from my first surgery? It was a battle scar I was proud of. Now, more than a year later I am ready to show off my second battle scar. Because this scar is proof that I survived something crazy. This picture is proof to myself that I am okay.

#1

#2

So, Self: You are awesome. Your life is great. Your Father in Heaven LOVES you. He's given you so many trials because He knows that you can be great and He wants to help you get there.

I know this is the exact same quote as the cat/lion one, but this picture is so dang adorable!

A few people I've gained inspiration from:
This article: http://www.beautyredefined.net/to-the-mom-who-taught-me-everything-a-body-image-breakthrough/
Lindsey Stirling: this interview in particular. Also watch her "I'm a Mormon" video on the sidebar of the article
Andrea Bolles: she gave a short talk in relief society one night about overcoming an eating disorder and now she's started this cool blog, Creating a Life I Love
And a few others I won't mention because I think I might embarrass people.

Oh holy crap, I just realized.....Today, January 7 is exactly ONE YEAR since my LAST CHEMOTHERAPY treatment!!!! Oh my gosh that is the craziest thing ever!!! HAPPY CHEMOVERSARY TO ME!!!!!!!

Note: I've been very hesitant about sharing this very personal struggle of mine, in part because I don't want people to comment things like "Oh Kalina you are so beautiful and skinny, I wish I could be you" or whatever silly something someone might say. I don't want my family to make comments to me about my body. Any of my family. But I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with body image. I think every girl to some degree deals with it every day. I think admitting this so publicly is a huge step in overcoming it. At times when I am really struggling I want to be able to look back and be able to read this and remind myself that it is possible to not be consumed by the desire to be thin.

Wanna Know a Secret?

Wanna know a secret? Life rocks. Like really rocks. I love my life. I loved summer. I love fall. I love traveling. I love crafts and running and being outside and the mountains and my dog and my friends and my family.

Frolicking. I love crunching leaves.

I've been busy living the past couple months which is why its been over two months since I last posted! I mean with Instagram and Facebook these days most people have a day to day update of my life. But those social media platforms are not the place for sharing feelings and in depth details so, for my future posterity's sake, I am going to update this public journal of mine (because yes I do believe my children will read my blog someday and see how awesome and amazing and fun I am....hahahaha. Insert funny meme here).

Rainbows are one of my favorite things in this world. Last summer I was having a REALLY hard day. I prayed for help and strength and courage and peace and when I looked up there was one of the brightest rainbows I've ever seen. And the most peaceful, warm feeling enveloped me like a hug and since then rainbows have been very special in my life. This particular rainbow is from hiking King's Peak in September/

Summer was amazing. I worked a lot but I also played a lot. I got really into rock climbing. I LOVE to boulder. I even am getting kind of good at it! I mean for a beginner anyway. I got to hike King's Peak, the highest peak in Utah which was super awesome!!! It was so much fun and I realized that I love backpacking. A lot. I also realized that all the outdoor things I love to do are extremely expensive because you have to get all sorts of gear and such! How lame. I am still working at Zion's as a teller which even though it sounds like a lame dumb job is really fun. I get to meet and talk to all sorts of crazy and interesting people. I love it. I love the sweet elderly people that come in and want to stay and talk to me forever because they are probably lonely and going to the bank is their social interaction for the day.

I recently got back from a five day trip to New York. First of all, I am a mountain girl. I would die without them. But there is something about New York City that I absolutely love. I could definitely live there and be a real city girl. For like a year probably. It's my favorite favorite big city. But I actually spent most of the time in upstate New York in the teeny tiny town of Chestertown. It was SO incredibly beautiful I can't even describe. Every single time my eyes were open my breath was taken away at the beauty of my surroundings. Like dang, Heavenly Father is the most incredible artist there has ever been. Obviously. But still. It amazes me. I was a bridesmaid in a long-time (since middle school) friend's wedding. It was so fun! I got to wear a super cute dress and walk down the aisle and see her and meet a ton of new friends and cool people. 

Forgive me, its a selfie while I was running.

Is it ridiculous that I feel extremely overwhelmed and sad that there are so many amazing and cool people in this world that I will never get to meet? I met lots of awesome people and friends at the wedding that I would have never met without it and I realized that there are so many incredible people that I'd love to meet and might not ever get to! That's why I might have to become a hippie bum traveler. A new age nomad. "Hold me fast cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer" [lyrics from one of my favorite bands, Mumford & Sons]

I felt like a real grown-up traveling all by myself. Especially on the last day when I got to wander NYC alone. I went to my favorite gluten-free bakery, my favorite dessert place, ate lunch in central park, and of course wandered aimlessly around times square area....checking out cheap clothes. And of course I spent a while in a bookstore. Sorry for my Facebook friends that have already seen all these pictures....but I had to put them on the blog too!

Cancer......its a funny thing. People ask me all the time, "so....like....is it gone now? Like, are you good?" Well, I mean, yes, there is no evidence of cancer in my body but is cancer really ever gone? I don't feel that I can just walk around saying, "I don't have cancer" because I think I'll always "have" it. Cancer isn't something that just goes away. Maybe the dumb little cells that multiply and destroy the insides of your body will stop growing, but the side effects and the doctors visits and the small voice of worry that you pretend isn't there never go away. Especially since I'm still finishing up my maintenance/preventative drug Avastin, I don't feel like I'm done with the whole cancer thing. I still go to the hospital every three weeks. I still sit there for at least an hour, hooked up to an IV tower. I still see my doctors. I still have cancer friends. My mom is trying to get me into a clinical trial that is working on developing a vaccine-like treatment. I would travel to either Dallas, TX or Buffalo, NY once a month to get the drug. So is my cancer gone? No. It's not. It never will be. It will always be a part of me. There's a lot of long-term side effects to chemo that nobody thinks about. Being done with chemotherapy doesn't mean everything is happy daisies and rainbows and you are a normal healthy person all the sudden. Fortunately for me, I am very healthy and happy and have very minimal lasting side effects. Some of my friends aren't so lucky. It's just something we cancer people deal with that others don't understand. I think that's my point of this rambling--to maybe help others understand that cancer isn't like a broken bone. It's not something that heals and then goes away and is something you remember when trying to think of a good story to tell. Maybe in twenty years I'll feel differently, who knows?

Banana man....this is my friend Dov that I've mentioned a few times here on the blog. He is the ultimate example of bravery, courage and humor when it comes to dealing with life, and cancer in particular. Talk about never ending, he's been in treatment for six years. This is his way of dealing with it. Not only does it help lighten things up for him, it really inspires and helps other people. He gets nervous on scan days so naturally dressing up as a sexy banana makes it easier to handle :)

I only have three treatments left though! My last treatment is scheduled for December 10th :) And sometime after that I will get my port taken out! I think I might miss my little Gouda buddy. I've gotten so used to having it now that its going to be sad to take it out. I mean like just a little sad. 

So the next thing on my bucket list that I'd like to do is fly to the cheapest destination that is offered for the weekend. Just randomly pick up and go. My next weekend off I'm going to do it. Not sure how you search for "cheapest airline ticket right this second" but I'm going to figure it out. Even if I end up somewhere random like the middle of Kansas. Won't that be fun! 

I found this song on Pandora a while ago and fell in love! One day I wanted to listen to it, so naturally I searched for it on Youtube. Turns out its the cutest Youtube video in world history and now I'm even more in love! I had to share. If at least only for my Camp friends to enjoy :)

Also, this quote from general conference gave me real hope in the boys of this world. Love like this must exist somewhere. Can you imagine a love like this?

I realized as I've been working and meeting lots of people that there are quite a few angry people in this world. I think I have a lot of legitimate reasons to be a pretty angry person. But honestly, I can't remember the last time I was truly angry. Annoyed yes. Bugged yes. Indignant once. But like blow up-yelling-wanting-to-punch-something angry? Nah. Not my style. I have a forgiving disposition. And man is my life so much the better for it. It's a lifestyle I think more people should adopt. To the lady that got F-word-in-my-face angry at me at the bank for miscounting her money....I'm really really sorry. It was an accident. I'm not a money counting robot. If only you knew what has gone on behind my fohawk and name tag. And if only I knew what you were going through. Then maybe we'd have more compassion and kindness to each other.

I think that if I could have one sentence said about me on my headstone it'd be that because of me, someone didn't give up. I hope that I can be a tool in God's hands to inspire others. Even just a tiny bit. Even just one person. Then everything I've been though, the cancer, and the getting un=married thing, then it would be worth it. Actually, I think it already has been worth it. I understand life and God's plan and feel His love more than I ever could have without my experiences.

I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.

Loon Lake, New York

Salt Lake City, UT

Lastly, (for now), I learned how to use a chainsaw and an axe recently! I'm not very good with an axe so I'm crossing axe murderer off my list of possible career choices, but I was quite decent with a chainsaw so chainsaw massacre-ist is still in the running. If only I had a picture of these monumentous events of my life.

Till next time, au revoir. Peace love and happiness. 

I dare you to do something brave today.

Out of the Darkest Nights Come the Brightest Mornings

Last week I had the opportunity to attend Camp Mak-a-Dream in Goldcreek, Montana where I spent the best week of my life. It was a young adult camp (YAC) for 18-40 year old cancer survivors/patients. It was seriously so incredible. I can't even begin to describe how fun and amazing it was. I didn't realize how much I needed some cancer friends.

When I first arrived at the Missoula Montana airport on Sunday June 2, I was scared to death and feeling extremely shy and awkward. I basically haven't really needed social skills for the past 3 1/2 years so I was unsure if I had any or not. However, that feeling quickly changed. As we got settled in for our first night at camp I quickly made friends. By the third day at camp I felt like I had known everybody for ages. It was amazing to me how quickly we all connected with one another. I guess there is just something about having cancer that connects people on a deeper level. The people there were the most inspiring, kindest and understanding people I've ever met. When you have to look your life in the face knowing it could be taken from you any minute something in you changes. The people there didn't judge you. You were just immediately accepted and loved and encouraged to do/be anything you wanted. I love every single person I met there and I miss them all a lot.

In the evenings we would have Fireside Chats which weren't really by the fire but inside, either with the people in our cabin or the whole group (there were 43 campers I think). It was really incredibly to hear people's stories. I loved that when we would talk about camp people would say things like,
       "This is the only time all year that I feel completely 100% myself."
       "I feel more at home here than I do at my own house."
       "You guys are family to me."
       "At home people are always telling me 'You can't', but here everybody tells me 'You CAN' and whether I actually can or not you guys are there supporting me and helping me do my best and pushing me to push myself."
       "I feel closer to the friends I make here than I do most of my friends back home, even ones I've known my whole life"
       "When I come here I'm not 'that kid with cancer' I'm just a normal kid. I can be me again."

I write these quotes because every single one of them is true for me too. I was afraid that I would get homesick, but I didn't. Not even for a second. I really did feel like I was home being there. It felt like I belonged. And for the first time in a long, long time, I was truly and completely happy. I can't remember the last time I felt so happy and whole.

There was so much to do there. In the mornings I would wake up before breakfast and go running. It was beautiful. Out in the middle of nowhere, there was like 3 roads to choose from, but it was just beautiful mountain country.

There was an Art Barn that had basically every single type of craft you could ever dream of doing. It was so amazing! I love doing crafts! The first two days were cold and rainy so I spent a lot of time in there. They had jewelry making, ceramics, tie dye, every kind of drawing medium, wood working, dream catcher making, yarn, fabric, things to paint....you name it, I bet it was an option. The first craft we all had to make was a Warm Fuzzy Bag. We all decorated a brown paper lunch sack and then hung it up on the bulletin board in the main lodge. Throughout the week people would write nice notes to you and drop them in your warm fuzzy bag. Reading the warm fuzzies you got from people was always super exciting :) Everyone is so nice and makes you feel so good about yourself! Camp was definitely a self-esteem boost. Especially after what I've been going through the past nine months.

I'm no artist, but I was proud of this oil pastel drawing I did

There was also a ropes course, a rock climbing wall, horses, zip line, mini golf, basketball, volleyball, hot tub, swimming pool, foos-ball and pool table, archery...so much to do! And since we were adults it was fairly unstructured so you got to choose what you wanted to do. They had a few guest speakers come and present workshops. One evening we had a drum circle that was super awesome! This awesome hippie drummer guy taught us a bunch of cool rhythms on these sweet African drums.

One morning we did a hike. There is a butte/peak right behind the camp that they hike. Me and my friend Ian made it up pretty quickly and there were a few people right behind us. But what was incredible was that every person that started the hike, made it to the top. One girl has to walk with the aid of a cane. She made it. One boy had a brain tumor and has had to re-learn how to walk and everything. He made it. One boy has really bad joint damage and said that a year ago he was confined to a wheelchair and his doctors told him he may never be able to walk normally again. But last year at camp inspired him and this year he made it to the top! It was the most inspiring thing to watch these incredible young people who have been through so much make it to the top of this peak. The last half of the hike is not easy. Its quite steep. I was so humbled watching them.

We made masquerade masks out of leather one night for the masquerade dance. That was way cool. We started with a flat plain piece of leather and cut out the design we wanted. Then we got the leather wet and molded it to shape and dried it. Then we could decorate it however we wanted. I airbrushed mine. On county fair night we had a fruit sculpting contest. My group won, of course! Woo woo Haley and Jimmy, best fruit sculpters around!

On Wednesday we drove into town (Missoula) and got lunch and walked around downtown. We got to ride the carousel which I was told is the fastest one in the US or something? Who knows, but it was super fun to act like a kid and be totally goofy. The funnest part was the weird hippie dancers in the middle of the park doing the weirdest dance moves. Me and two of my friends, Ian and Courtney, decided to join them. It was awesome! There was a whole crowd watching and it was totally weird, but really funny :)

The hippie dancer guy and his wife.

The dance was super fun. Everyone was goofy and crazy. The last night we stayed up all night long and took our sleeping bags out in the grass and watched the stars. It was a big ol' cuddle puddle of awesomeness! One of the funnest nights ever.

And I've even kept in contact with a lot of the people still! We've had two Google Hangouts (like Skype but with more people) and we text every day :) Thank heavens for technology! I really really really hope I get to go back next year. I miss my friends a ton.

The amazing thing about Camp Mak-a-Dream is that it is offered free of charge to anybody diagnosed with cancer. You just have to pay your transportation to get there. They couldn't do it without donations from people. A lot of the staff up there was volunteer, and there were so many supplies and fun things they provided us that have all been donated. WOW. THANK YOU to anybody who has ever donated to them. And to anybody who is looking for a charity to donate to, they would be the ones. Every person that goes there comes back a changed and happier person. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity I had to go there. I really needed it. A really cool testament to how amazing camp is was a statement from my friend. She looked through all the pictures posted on Facebook from camp and we were talking about it and she said, "Everyone just looked so happy in all the pictures." It's true. Everyone there is just so happy.

My amazing cabin leader Sarah. She was the funnest girl in the world. She was also from Salt Lake. She got her cool pants in Africa and I got mine in Thailand. Someone asked us "so are those cool pants like a Utah thing or something?" It was super funny

The saddest part about camp was when we had a Celebration of Life. Early one morning those who wanted to, gathered by the memorial wall and spent some time honoring those who couldn't make it to camp this year. It was heartbreaking to know that some of the people my friends knew hadn't lived to make it back to camp. It made having cancer so much more real to me. I couldn't stand to lose anybody I met this year. It's hard to believe that some people don't make it. Everyone at camp is so full of life. So bright and happy. But I guess that's why everyone there is so much more loving. We have all learned to appreciate life so much more. You learn that life is to be cherished and there isn't time to do anything but love people and live in the moment. Every person there has learned to live in the moment and be grateful for what they have. If you wanted you could light a floating candle to honor someone who had passed on.

I am so glad I got to go to this camp. It allowed me to find myself and remember who I am. It allowed to me be happier than I can remember being. It was truly a testament to me that after the hardest darkest times in your life will always come incredible times of joy. There will always be opposition, but the happy times remind you that its all worth it :)