I Am Lovely

I've debated sharing this for a really long time....but I think it's time.


I love the lyrics in this song-- I feel lovely just the way that I am

In a way, this post is a love letter to myself. A lot of people might think I have the best self-esteem in the world. I mean, I have everything going for me so of course I think I'm great, right? Not always so. I've battled body image issues since high school. At times it has been worse than others. Particularly my last two years of college. I was married and a highly competitive college athlete (which alone spells disaster for body image problems). I got really sick for a while and dropped a ton of weight. Then it went to my head. I loved it. And then since I was working out so much and so hard, the weight stayed off even when I got better and started eating gluten free. Also, I think subconsciously I knew I wasn't as happily married as I thought I was. Obviously I didn't see it at the time. But as time wore on, the view I had of myself became more and more warped. I was freaking out when I started to gain weight my senior year of college (Spring 2012). Then I was diagnosed with cancer. They removed 3 huge tumors and I was in the hospital for 9 days not eating anything because I was so sick. I dropped all that weight again. It was great. Then I found out about my husband's infidelity. Now I am NOT blaming him for my eating disorder or my body image problems. To his credit he tried to do all he could to make me like my body. However, hating myself and my body became the way I dealt with the problems and stress in my life. I was happy in every other way. I was dealing with cancer and treatment and making the most of life. I was working through marital problems best I could. But my body became the thing I took out my stress and anger on. It got to the point that I couldn't think about anything else except how fat my legs were and how skinny every other girl's legs looked. I let it consume me. I tried everything I could to be anorexic (now I say try because 1. I love food 2. I love to run 3. You can't run well on no food and 4. I have very little willpower). I tried everything I could to be bulimic. [Un]Fortunately, I guess I have been blessed with a gag reflex of steel because not a thing in the world could make me throw up (except being in the hospital for 9 days).

I hated myself. Literally. It was terrible. Finally, I broke away from the unhappy situation I was in. I moved home. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I didn't have to deal with anything. I had a broken heart and time on my hands. My family embraced me. I did things with them. I did things with my girlfriends. And most importantly I went to cancer camp. I had friends who loved me more than I've ever had a friend love me. They loved me because of my smile, my happy attitude, my love for life and adventure. And suddenly my body wasn't me. I was me. My character was me. It didn't matter what I looked like or where I came from.

It's still taken time, I still would love to have skinnier legs (and no, no matter what you tell me, your words cannot change my perception of myself). See that's the problem with having a body image disorder, it doesn't matter what people think or say to you. Every person in the world could have told me I was the prettiest, skinniest girl they knew and it wouldn't have changed my view of myself. It's hard because when I felt that way, I wanted everyone to look at me and think "wow, she's so skinny" and yet I wouldn't believe it if someone told me. Or if I did hear it, I would force myself to fulfill that expectation and it would just perpetuate a vicious cycle. I had someone tell me "wow, you've really gained a lot of weight haven't you?" It just about killed me. I knew they meant that I didn't look sick from chemo anymore. But my brain heard those words as "you are a huge fat whale. FAT FAT FAT".

In our world today, hearing about one's body is inevitable. It's nice to hear someone say you have a nice body or nice legs or you are pretty or whatever. Everyone likes those compliments. No one likes "you've put on some weight, you're looking good" no matter how kind the intent is behind it. Well I bet some people do like that actually. I don't. At all.

I don't know exactly what has happened that has helped me love myself. I think a lot of has to do with getting out of a destructive and loveless relationship.(Like I said before, it wasn't his fault. My own problems were just exacerbated by the problems in my life). A lot of it is that I'm not competing as a college athlete in a situation where my body is everything; where you constantly compare yourself to every girl that is faster and come to the conclusion that if you were just a few pounds skinner you'd be able to shave an extra 10 seconds off your mile. A lot of it is that I have learned to be independent again. I'm not relying on someone else to make me happy. You can never rely on someone else to provide for your happiness. Especially in a marriage relationship. You HAVE to be happy all by yourself before you can be happy with someone else. A spouse should add to your happiness. Not create it.

For whatever reason, for the first time in my life, what other people think of me doesn't affect how happy I am. This is why we have trials. This is why you hear cliche phrases like "trials are blessings in disguise", "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and "God gives us trials in order for us to become more like Him". Everyone has to learn to stand on their own feet no matter how many times the storm knocks you down. That's why every person's storm is different. We each have to go through the storm that will teach us the lessons we personally need to learn and that we couldn't learn any other way.

What inspired me to finally admit and talk about my struggle? I looked in my swimsuit drawer today and saw my old bikinis (yep, sorry I am very immodest. Judge away). When I had surgery I thought I would never wear them again. When I had my second surgery I KNEW I would never wear them again. My stomach was hideous. It was lumpy and misshapen with a weirdo belly button and a huge nasty scar. But today I looked at those skimpy pieces of clothing in my drawer and I pulled them out. I tried them on. I looked in the mirror. And I didn't hate what I saw. I didn't see a nasty hideous stomach. I still saw just me. Just little old me who is the same no matter what I'm wearing. (Of course time has smoothed out my weird lumps and bumps and my belly button has gotten a little more normal so that helps :) haha). Just to try and give you an idea of the extent of how much I hated my scar and my stomach, I have to admit that I chewed out my surgeon for making me so ugly. Like literally. I told him, "you did a terrible job on my scar. Why couldn't you have made me less bumpy with a prettier belly button. I need plastic surgery to fix it". He replied "well that wasn't very nice" and immediately I felt like the meanest most horrible person in the world. Because I had been planning that retort for months. And I thought for sure I'd be getting plastic surgery. Can you believe how vain I am?

I never ever thought in a million years I would let people look at my stomach. Remember this first picture from my first surgery? It was a battle scar I was proud of. Now, more than a year later I am ready to show off my second battle scar. Because this scar is proof that I survived something crazy. This picture is proof to myself that I am okay.

#1

#2

So, Self: You are awesome. Your life is great. Your Father in Heaven LOVES you. He's given you so many trials because He knows that you can be great and He wants to help you get there.

I know this is the exact same quote as the cat/lion one, but this picture is so dang adorable!

A few people I've gained inspiration from:
This article: http://www.beautyredefined.net/to-the-mom-who-taught-me-everything-a-body-image-breakthrough/
Lindsey Stirling: this interview in particular. Also watch her "I'm a Mormon" video on the sidebar of the article
Andrea Bolles: she gave a short talk in relief society one night about overcoming an eating disorder and now she's started this cool blog, Creating a Life I Love
And a few others I won't mention because I think I might embarrass people.

Oh holy crap, I just realized.....Today, January 7 is exactly ONE YEAR since my LAST CHEMOTHERAPY treatment!!!! Oh my gosh that is the craziest thing ever!!! HAPPY CHEMOVERSARY TO ME!!!!!!!

Note: I've been very hesitant about sharing this very personal struggle of mine, in part because I don't want people to comment things like "Oh Kalina you are so beautiful and skinny, I wish I could be you" or whatever silly something someone might say. I don't want my family to make comments to me about my body. Any of my family. But I know I'm not the only one who has struggled with body image. I think every girl to some degree deals with it every day. I think admitting this so publicly is a huge step in overcoming it. At times when I am really struggling I want to be able to look back and be able to read this and remind myself that it is possible to not be consumed by the desire to be thin.

Who I Am

In light of recent events I have had to do a lot of soul searching. When you are with someone for 4 years who start to lose your individual identity. Now that I'm on my own, I've had to get to know myself again. Who am I? What do I like? What do I not like? I have discovered that I am much happier now that I can be myself. Because I have found out, or been reminded, who "myself" is. I thought I'd write it down so I can look back at it in times of doubt.

Who I Am

I like chicken nuggets

I like chocolate

I like Nutella

I love frozen yogurt

I love to run

I have to run to stay sane

I like Lucky Charms and Reese's Puffs and Trix

I sometimes like to eat 4 bowls of cereal for breakfast

I like to eat cereal after dinner

I don't love to cook but I will do it

I don't mind having short hair

I love to dirt bike. I don't know why I let myself forget that and get all wussy about it 

I want to own a Harley someday

I'm not sure what my favorite color is anymore. I think maybe yellow or teal or light pink

I sometimes feel like my soul is really old. It is tired sometimes. (My soul that is)

I think that I will like being a mom

I'm starting to realize that babies are cute and precious. Probably because I can't have one.

I like Christian rock, country and punk rock

I like Florence and the Machine

I like public speaking

I like to take pictures and to be in pictures

I like to make crafts with my friends

I like to go hiking

I love the mountains

I love my dog

I love my family. Every single one of them- from my crazy aunts, to my quiet brothers, to my awesome grandparents

I like to be silly

I like to make cookies

I like to be outside

I love to read

Sometimes I like to be lazy

I secretly wish I could get a tattoo

I can keep a secret

I love playing Scrabble/Words with Friends

Lake Powell is my favorite vacation in the world. Next to Thailand

Okay actually Camp Mak-a-Dream is my favorite place in the world

I don't like tennis because I'm really bad at it

I like racquetball

I like perfume but I'm too cheap to buy it

I love picnics

I don't really like to shop

I LOVE monkeys

I love to read

I like surprises

I like humidity and hot weather 

Paul Walker is gorgeous

I am independent

I love playing the piano

I can do hard things

I am ME

The End.... is Often Just the Beginning in Disguise

You may have noticed the lack of a certain person in my blog and pictures as of late. And as those of you on Facebook have noticed,  my status has changed to single. I know people are going to wonder and gossip and I want the truth told in as few words as possible so as not to publicly humiliate or make it look like I am trying to be vindictive. I have had so many ask where my husband is, that is makes it uncomfortable for me and for them. Remember how I said I have been going through a really hard time lately? Well, truth is my marriage has ended because my spouse has struggled with fidelity issues for quite some time which has ultimately led him to choosing others over me and not wanting to be married to me anymore. Which left me with no option but to end our marriage. Let me tell you, this has been the hardest trial of my life. Much harder than going through cancer.

Sometimes life sucks. Like really sucks. And there's nothing you can do it about but just square up your shoulders and press on. Like I said in the title of this post....the end of something good is often the beginning of something great. I would not be able to handle my life if it wasn't for my faith in God. I don't share my testimony very often, but in this case, I really have to. I know that I'm going to be okay. I know without a doubt that my God has something incredible in store for me. Something so great I can't even comprehend it. I know that He wants me to be happy even more than I want myself to be happy. I don't know why I've had to experience the trials I've been given. With cancer the blessings were often immediate and easy to see. With this, the blessings are still in hiding :) But I do have faith that when I'm 95, on a long run on a beautiful morning, I will look back on my life and be so grateful that things turned out the way they did. For a while I decided that happy endings were a myth, a lie people have made up. But its not true. I still believe in Happily Ever After. I believe in Happily Ever Now. I don't have to wait for the future to be happy. I can be, and I am, happy right now. Believe me, I have hard days. But I have more good days than hard days. I will always be a fighter, I will never give up.

Life can try to swallow me up, but like this awesome little frog, I'll choke it's neck until it spits me back out again :) Haha.

Put your shoulder to the wheel......push along, with a heart full of song. It'd be stupid to give up. To give in to sadness and let life pass me by? That'd be such a waste of a great life! President Thomas S. Monson, prophet of the LDS church, said, "The future is as bright as your faith". Man are those words true. I have faith. I need faith. You can't always see what lies ahead of you. Sometimes that is really hard. But God can, and He knows how much joy the future will bring me. I definitely trust Him. He knows what he's doing.

So I've buckled up, grabbed my safety goggles, put my helmet on and I'm ready for the ride. There are so many opportunities out there for me now that I never could have had before. I am so young. I have my whole life ahead of me. And I want to do great things. On my bucket list is the item "Do something really great". I'm trying to accomplish that. When I wrote it on my list I was imagining something big and flashy like saving a life or going to a foreign country and building a school or something. But I've learned over the past year that the greatest people are the ones who live their life doing simple things every day that help people. Being great isn't one big huge act. It's living every day in a way that blesses others.

Today is the day I have been given. Yesterday is over. And you never know if you will be given tomorrow. So I'm choosing to make today the best I can. Sometimes I fail :) But I have an incredible family, awesome friends, and an amazing ward family that stands by my side. There have been things about this whole situation that have been harder than others. But when it comes down to it I have to remind myself that it doesn't matter what anyone in this world thinks of me, it really only matters what God thinks of me. And if I feel that He is okay with me, then I know I'm alright.

"Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men, which would make them sure and steadfast, always abounding in good works, being led to glorify God." Ether 12:4, Book of Mormon

This quote is perfect, since I just celebrated my "Michael Jordan" birthday :)

I know when I've told people what's going on they get super awkward and don't know what to say or how to act or what to do. Honestly, you can say whatever you want. If you want to bring it up and ask me how I'm doing that is just fine. If you'd rather ignore it and talk about other things in life, that is fine too. Mostly I just need people to hug me and tell me they're sorry for me and let me know its going to be okay.

Today the Sun Will Shine

I have one of the greatest friends. She gave me a gift and inside were a bunch of smaller gifts that all had perfect awesome quotes on them. The one from today was a short little poem. It is how I try to live each day. I thought that maybe other people could benefit from it besides just me, so I want to share.

It is called Today. I don't know who wrote it.

Outside my window, a new day I see
And only I can determine
What kind of day it will be.
It can be busy and sunny, laughing and gay,
or boring and cold, unhappy and gray.
My own state of mine is the determining key,
For I am only the person I let myself be.
I can be thoughtful and do all I can to help,
Or be selfish and think just of myself.
I can enjoy what I do and make it seem fun,
or gripe and complain and make it hard on someone.
I can be patient with those who may not understand,
or belittle and hurt them as much as I can.
But I have faith in myself, and believe what I say,
And I personally intend to make
The best of each day

And this. Because how can you be sad with a face like this?

Make the best of each day. You don't know how many you'll have. You never know how many people you can affect for good. Tell people how you feel.

Dancing with NED

Well the doctors have said I am NED! Ned means No Evidence of Disease. Woooo! Seems so crazy after almost 7 months of having cancer to be rid of it. Now the plan is just continue on the Avastin every 3 weeks. It is a short (30 minute) IV infusions at the Huntsman. I will meet with my surgeon every 3 months for 2 years and then after that every 6 months for 3 more years and then hopefully only once a year forever. 

I woke up this morning to this beautiful sunrise. I guess the smog is good for something! I don't know why, but the sunrise was so pretty and it really made me feel like it was the beginning not only of a new day, but of a new part of my life :)
                                              

I found this quote the other day and it says what I feel about running so perfectly I had to share.

Truly, I love running. It's who I am. It's a part of me. Even if I can only run for 10 minutes, I feel whole and happy. And if everything else is falling to pieces, I go for a run, and I feel like things are going to be okay.
--Johanna Olson, Olympic Marathon Trials runner who died of brain cancer at the age of 33 

I seriously love running. Not being able to run and then being able to only do a pathetic jog intermixed with lots of walking has really been hard for me. I am starting to be able to run a little better; a little longer with less breaks and sometimes even a little faster. It has definitely been something I've had to adjust to and deal with. People think that now I'm done with chemo I am all better and normal. My life is still definitely not normal. It will never go back to how it was before. I probably won't feel really recovered until I can actually run again like I used to. And who knows if that will even happen! It is definitely an adjustment going back to "normalcy". But I am excited to be able to move on with my life a little. It was nice to have Monday free this week and not spend it at the Huntsman (even though I am here now on Wednesday).

Yesterday my friend Aimee came over with her super cute 6 month old! Aimee and I have known each other since FIRST grade. How cool is that? It was fun visiting with her and even fun playing with Eliza. She is the cutest tiniest little person. I hope that my babies are as cute and tiny as her. And she didn't even cry when I held her. Most babies really hate me. Seriously. It made me feel happy that she let me play with her.

I forgot to write that Saturday I went night skiing with Sterling and my sis-in-law Ashlynn and our two Australian friends Kaila and Sierra. It was fun and not too terribly cold and really nice to get out of the nasty smog. I snowboarded instead of skiied because I hardly ever board and thought it would be better for the icy night conditions. Unfortunately the very first run I felt right on my tailbone soooooooooo hard I couldn't even move for a second. It still hurts. A lot. Otherwise it was pretty fun :)

It amazes me how attractive we are.

He's going to Disneyland!!!! And other things.

On Wednesday my brother Josh got his mission call! I am so incredibly proud of him. It was such a blast to watch him open the call. I was so excited and antsy all day, and I'm sure he was 10x more so.

I know he was a little disappointed right when he opened the call, but I was so incredibly excited, and I know everyone else there was too. He is going to be an awesome missionary and do a great job in the Anaheim California mission.

Josh, I just want to let you know that I am incredibly glad to be your sister. I wish I could go back to when I was a bratty little child and I was so mean to you. It makes me feel really sad that I was a mean little kid. I love you and I think you are awesome. I hope you know that I really believe in you. You are a hard worker when you want to be, and even though you are a quiet and reserved person, you will be blessed to have the courage to approach people and share your testimony with them. I know that there will be many people who will be touched by the testimony that you have to share. You will be able to be influential to people in a way no one else has been able to. You will be able to change lives. Even if you don't baptize anyone, people will be changed for the better if you strive to always do your best and work hard.

At our Thanksgiving dinner my in-laws shared advice to my sister-in-law Ashlynn as she also prepares for a mission. I want to share that advice with you Josh.

• Perfect obedience: if you strive to live the mission rules with a PERFECT obedience you will be blessed with the Spirit always. It is a rule that one companion is supposed to help the other back out of a parking stall by standing outside and backing them up. Even if it is pouring rain and there is not a single other car in the parking lot, obey the rule. An elderly lady saw this exact situation happen and because of the missionaries' obedience she was converted. People are always watching.
• Love: love the people, love the culture (yes California has a different culture), love the food, love the work, love the Gospel. When you are filled with love for the people, you can better serve them.
• Study: study like you have never studied before. Know the Gospel the best you can. Read the Book of Mormon. Make sure you get your own testimony before you go.
• Work hard: work as hard as you possibly can. Every day will be the hardest day of your life, but it will also be your best. Don't give up or slack because it is too hard. Nothing is too hard when you have Heavenly Father on your side.
• Listen: listen to the Spirit because He will guide you and help you find people. He will comfort you when you are frustrated. He will help you love your companion when you want to kill him.

He leaves February 27th. I'll miss the little guy!

Chemo today went well. My white blood cell count more than tripled this week!!! Thanks to an awesome teammate who helped me find ways to increase my count. I drank lots of carrot juice and took some super powerful probiotics. I think it definitely helped. So glad I could get treatment! I also got to see my friend Haley and talk to her for a while. It is just so much more fun to have a friend my own age to talk to, even though we have totally different cancers.

It is weird, I haven't started losing my head hair yet!! My eyebrows have started falling out again :( and so have my arm hairs, but the hair on my head seems to be nice and stuck! I am so happy. I really am sick of being all the way bald. Its nice to have a little fuzz. 

I didn't write a Thanksgiving post because I don't want to be all cliche and so many people were doing it that I figured people were bored of reading them. But I am SO incredibly grateful for so many things I could never ever name them all. Maybe that was another reason I didn't want to do a thankful post....it would be way too long. I am grateful for life, to be alive. I am grateful that I have been able to be a blessing to others because of my cancer. I am grateful for a supportive husband that takes care of me and a mother-in-law that cooks dinner every night. I'm grateful for a mother that spends every Monday sitting in the chemotherapy room by my side and spends countless hours researching the newest and best treatment for me. I'm grateful that my brother has chosen to serve the Lord on a mission. I'm grateful for the days that I have energy to run. 

And the list goes on and on and on.

Sorry there were no pictures today. I did a horrible job this weekend taking pics.

Yesterday a lady in my ward said this comment and I really really loved it, so I will leave you with this thought:

"Often your worthiness is not measured by the blessings you receive, but by the trials you endure"

Pedal On

Today I rode my bike for 35 whole minutes on Sterling's bike trainer (its cold outside....I'm not that adventurous yet). The first 3 minutes were awesome! I was like, "Dang, I am doing better than I thought!" And then.....boom, I felt like death. Can you believe that?! After only 3 minutes I felt like I was going to die! But with all exercise and for people of all fitness levels, all you have to do is push through it. It doesn't necessarily get much easier, but it doesn't get much harder either. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to make it ten minutes, but I took it in chunks and made it 35 :)

It felt so good to get my body going again! I am so antsy to go running (only 7 more days by the way). It seems so contradictory when I am feeling exhausted and tired that a little exercise can really make me feel so much better! I think that a little bit of exercise helps me have way more energy than I would have otherwise. I believe that is true for anyone. I can see why it is so incredibly hard for people to get up off the couch and start exercising. It is hard to get started and when you feel tired, the last thing you want to do is spend energy exercising. But in the long run, you feel SO much better! Even in the short run!

Tomorrow is opening day at Snowbird. Guess where I'm gonna be? Bundled up on the slopes :)

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

HA! I showed chemo who's boss. ME. I am boss of chemo. Friday I finally started feeling back to myself and I ate lots. I ate at In-n-Out twice! How's that for protein? The rest of the weekend was awesome, I've felt so good (comparatively). Just in time to get chemo again tomorrow. Hopefully it will go better this week since I am a little tiny bit more healed.

And our puppy is making leaps and bounds! He slept almost the whole night last night and today he walked to the door when he needed to go potty. So proud of the little stinker.

People always say time flies or where has the time gone? You wouldn't think those statements would apply to me at this time in my life, but when Heavenly Father assures us that our trials will be "but a small moment" He really means it. It seems like just yesterday that I was diagnosed. And although there have been times that have gone very slowly, in the long run they are but a small moment of my life. It has been just over 5 months that I have been a cancer fighter. When you think that I have been alive for 270 months and my treatments will end about 7 months after diagnosis, that's barely 2.5% of my life! I hope that in my future trials I can remember that they WILL be short in the eternal perspective. Concentrating on each day individually has really helped me. Instead of focusing on the future and how long it may seem, how far away the end may look right now, I focus only on today. Today I am feeling good. Today I have enough energy to play with my puppy. Today I looked cute. Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow has yet to be, but today I am alive and happy and very blessed.

Life's Greatest Lessons Aren't Learned in a Book (and other updates)

Friday, September 21st, I had the opportunity to speak at Bingham high school to a group of English students. It was a really awesome experience. I am so grateful that I have had the opportunity to speak to so many people about what I'm going through and how I've been able to deal with things. I also got to speak at Pleasant Grove High School on December 5th

If you want to read the speech I gave, here is a link to it https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hiRXA_nEm7xptqEdwvMix1i_s-Rnb_C948a5hqsUBBs/edit?usp=sharing
I wrote down my speech exactly like I would say it if I really were speaking so just read it as such and not like an essay or something.

I created this slideshow that I shared at the end. I think the video means more after you read/hear the speech:


The other update I know many people are dying to find out is how my doctor's appointments went on Friday. They went good. I met with the liver specialist first and after waiting for at least 5 years in the very comfortable exam room *insert dripping sarcasm* she finally came in to talk to us. She was pretty nice and cool. She basically just explained what she would be doing in surgery which is removing two or three (?) spots from my liver. They are both close enough to the surface that they will be easy to wedge out. She gets to pick up my liver and turn it around and cut spots out of it with a cauterizing tool. How cool is that? I asked her to take pictures. It seems so unfair that all these people get to sit around looking at my insides and touching all my organs and all I get from it is a huge scar and 2 weeks in the hospital. Selfish doctors. Oh and they are going to cut me all the way to my sternum. Yucky.

Then I met with my gynecological oncologist (female organ cancer surgeon). He was really nice and took a long time with us. We decided on surgery on Tuesday, October 9th (ninth). All I can say is if I have to get another NG tube, they are going to have to put me under anesthesia to do it.

And I have an awesomely funny idea of what I'm gonna do on surgery day :) But I'm not telling it yet.

Anyway, the rest of the weekend was great. Went to Sterling's cousin's wedding all day Saturday, it was gorgeous. I have a bit of a cold which totally sucks :/ But otherwise, I am doing great. I hope the smog clears out so I can run outside again!

My First Lecture about a Last Lecture

I was recently asked to be a guest speaker for the 11th grade English students at Bingham High School. There will be about 180 sixteen to seventeen year old kids that are all listening intently to every word I say. Well at least the ones they hear in between sending text messages to each other ;)

The book the students are reading. It's about a guy with terminal cancer and his advice to people. The teacher though I was a good real life example of the words in this book. 

I am speaking on Friday and although I have been contemplating and pondering my speech for at least a week and a half, I have made very little headway. I have never given a speech or talk longer than 10 minutes.

Here's where you guys come in. I have received so many texts, emails and comments about how much you guys appreciate my blog and my willingness to share my story. Is there something specific about what I've said that has been helpful or inspiring? I don't feel inspiring because I am just being me. I just write about whatever I feel like, but I guess when you have cancer even normal things are spotlighted. I would really appreciate if you guys gave me some specifics about what to you has been inspiring. Not because I am looking for compliments, trust me, that is not what this is about, but because I really want to do the best job I can to reach out to these teenagers. It wasn't very long ago that I sat in a high school auditorium wondering where my life would take me and thinking how invincible I was. I want to say things that won't be cliche or unrelatable.

Thanks friends :)